not quite figured out yet... sorry

I was riding an emotional high this morning, courtesy of my mostly fun night last night.

It was perpetuated when I met Hannah and we walked to DQ, then through the park, then back to my house to watch Matrix Reloaded. We got through most of it before we had to jump back on the light rail so she could get to work and I could get bedding for Kaylee and Mal's cage.

And then on the light rail home... the crash hit.

I'm sorry! I thought I could be fine and move on but... well I guess I'm not ready yet.

So y'all can stop reading if you want, I just have to purge my emotional baggage somewhere, and better here than... well somewhere else.

I guess I know now why it was so easy for him to break up with me, and to get over me. He must have had someone waiting in the wings, maybe multiple someones, just ready and willing to step into my spot. He won't have to deal with both the heartache and the loneliness. Apparently he's already moved on.

I may have made light of that fact in my earlier post (I still can't believe I'm posting twice in one day). But it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I don't know why I believed him when he said he just didn't want a relationship. Obviously he was trying to spare my feelings or hide the fact that he was just an ass. I really believed him though, maybe because I wanted to. Maybe because I believed I still had a chance.

I still want to believe that, what's wrong with me?

I've got the conflicts of brain and emotions again, although the brain was given a lot more ammo last night.

I hurt a lot right now.

How can someone just throw 5 months down the drain? Okay, 5 months isn't that long, but we spent practically every day together...

ouch

my heart hurts

i regret nothing

so after being a complete slug yesterday, my friend Liisa (who i met through tom coincidentally) finally convinced me to go hang out with her at the cardinal. Rachael was doing karaoke and Liisa offered to buy me a drink so I hopped on the lightrail and went up.

right when i walked in the door Liisa runs up and hugs me and pulls me outside, on the way informing me that tom had brought a date. he was there with a girl. we sat out on the patio making meaningless conversation while i tried to digest that bit of information. i couldn't believe it. for some reason i thought tom had told me the truth when he said, and i quote, 'it's not like i'll be jumping back into a new relationship in the next few weeks or anything.'

part of me is hoping that she was just one of tom's many female friends... but my realistic rational side is attempting to convince me otherwise.

after we were sitting out there for awhile, who but tom himself comes out, pulls out a brand new pack of cigarettes, and lights up. that was about the time i wanted to start laughing. he's falling back into his bad old habits because he no longer gives a damn. i remember when we first started dating he told me that all of his friends noticed a positive change in him thanks to me. well maybe he'll realize how much better off he was with me, but it probably won't be happening anytime soon.

anyway, after that i pulled Liisa inside to make good on that offer of a drink. originally, since i don't drink, it was going to be a soda. instead, it became a glass of white wine, which i downed in about 3 seconds. and then it was another glass, and then that was gone as well. then Liisa informed me that she had purchased a pitcher of some kind of beer. guess who drank most of it and a good part of the next one? that's right, ladies and gentlemen, i drank beer. and got hammered. it was wonderful.

i sang karaoke (with someone and i couldn't tell you which song), i danced, i flirted shamelessly with everyone in my radius, etc and so on. i woke up on Liisa's couch this morning with 2 of her three dogs on top of me and felt great.

managed to get home via the lightrail, talked to Jordan about joining his kickball team, and am soon to be heading back to the lightrail to meet Hannah for some DQ.

all in all the night was both horrible and amazing.

but no hangover!

up down up down up down

So lets start with what I've been up to physically the past few weeks.

On Friday April 16 I went home to Rochester. Spent the night not doing much but watching Finding Nemo with Sara and the parents.

Saturday was also low key, until dad and I took the boat out to Lake Zumbro. Dad caught the first fish, a very small walleye, then I caught the second (a male perch that "milked" all over me). Then I caught the third and final fish, a small rock bass. It was windy and cold and we didn't stay out too terribly long. On the drive to the lake we lost one of the boat cushions and I actually spotted it on the side of the road on the way back, which was awesome.

On Sunday the parents and I headed up to the cities. They dropped me off at work and then went to Target field to try to get Twins tickets. I had to dose some mice with their drug and then jumped on the Lightrail to meet up with the parents. By the time I got there they had managed to get tickets so we went in and watched them lose (but it was still a lot of fun).

I don't much remember what happened during the week. Other than on Wednesday night Sara and my dad came up to have Jordan fix his car. We all took the Lightrail up to Target field again and again managed to get tickets (more expensive but closer seats).

Pretty sure I did absolutely nothing over the weekend. On Friday I went to Target and bought Avatar and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. So I watched both of those, as well as Van Helsing and some movies on TV. Also on Friday I rescued a mouse from work, his name is Mal (as in Malcolm from Firefly) and so far he and Kaylee seem to be getting along. On Sunday I met Hannah at Target and then to her house and watched The Matrix.

Tuesday went to Sybylla's and helped make a delicious chocolate cake and watched Troy.

Cleaned my room in preparation for a friend coming to visit this weekend (backed out at the last minute because of illness).

Tonight I talked to some people on the phone and cried.

Which brings me to what I've been up to emotionally these past few weeks.

Maybe some of you readers have noticed that a lot of my posts here lately have been negative, expressing frustrations about my life and certain people in my life. I think part of the reason I have done that is because the negative incidences stood out so much more than all the small positive ones. But because I was so focussed on the negatives, the biggest negative of all came and ripped out my heart into bloody shreds.

Bit graphic, but I'm pretty down right now and attempting to explain why.

I let small frustrations build up and up and instead of expressing them and letting it go I took it out on Tom. I'm admitting that for the world to know because I realize finally how much I was letting small things get to me, and how poorly I was dealing with it.

On Wednesday, April 14th I cancelled plans with Sybylla and Vicki in order to go see Tom's first softball game. Things had gotten a little weird between us and I was hoping to start to remedy that by becoming more interested and accepting of his friends (that I hadn't been getting along with due to my own misjudgments). Instead, we had a serious conversation. We finally expressed our issues, and I felt a big weight of relief lift once I was done opening up and hearing him open up. And then I realized that things were much more serious than I expected. I had been waiting, seeing the storm build on the horizon, and knew a fight was brewing. What I didn't expect was how bad things appeared on his end of things. For him, things had gotten bad to the point that he didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was no longer a positive part of his life.

I couldn't belief it, didn't want to and so I didn't accept it. It didn't help that he had to run to get to his softball game. To be honest I still can't accept it. I just don't want to think that I can't get a second chance. Right, back to chronological order...

Talked again on Thursday for a very brief talk and his decision was again reiterated.

That's why I had to go home on Friday, I couldn't handle being alone in Minneapolis over the weekend.

That weekend is when I realized how shitty I'd been treating him. Since I discovered that, I managed to convince myself that he'd accept my realization and apology and take me back. I thought, foolishly perhaps, that reminding him I loved him would remind him that he loved me.

I spent so much time remember all the fun I had with Tom, how much I love talking to him, watching movies and tv, hanging out, even going out and watching him sing karaoke. Remembering how just seeing him walk into a room or in my line of sight would make me smile involuntarily.

I wanted to tell him what I discovered as soon as possible, because I missed him. He said he needed time to think, to take a break, but I was so sure that what I had to say would change his mind I couldn't wait to tell him. So I badgered him until he finally agreed to talk to me on Thursday. I left him alone then, until Thursday, and prepared my "argument." I even went so far as to write an outline. I was so convinced it was foolproof!

Obviously, from the way I've phrased the previous statements, it was not foolproof. Maybe I pressured him too much, with my needing to meet so soon, maybe his mind had been made up long before I even began to formulate my argument, maybe maybe maybe.

His decision, or verdict, or whatever was that he was better off not in a relationship. Not with me, not with anyone. I couldn't tell him how much I wanted to make it better, how much I thought I could make his life better and stop making it worse if he'd just give me a chance.

This is the most revealing emotional post I've ever made, but I feel bad crying to my friends all the time and this is just as good of an outlet with less guilt (since I'm not forcing anyone to read it).

I digress.

Heartbroken.

Right, keep going here.

I managed to leave him alone for a whole week. I was planning on having a friend come stay the weekend and attempt to not contact him for a whole two weeks. But then the friend cancelled, and I got impatient. And bored. And really, really lonely and depressed. So I asked if he wanted to hang out next week, because he said earlier that he'd like to still be friends.

I don't want to be friends, I want him. I want to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him. But I've hung out with him so much over the past 5 months that if I can't have that, I at least want some of what made my life good.

So I again pressured him, made him talk to me today after work. It made me so happy just to talk to him, and yet I could tell the whole time he was just uncomfortable and trying to get rid of me. Can you understand the intense conflict of feelings I was experiencing? On the one hand, talking to someone you are comfortable with in the extreme, that you used to spend part of every day talking to, that you still love and want to be with, that just makes you happy. So all of that = happy feelings. Then realizing that that person isn't comfortable talking with you anymore, that something vital has changed and possibly forever, that you don't know when the next time you'll get this happiness again or if you ever will again, that you did something so terrible, so horrible, so unforgiveable that you won't ever get a second chance or an opportunity to fix it. In case that wasn't clear, those feelings = heartbreaking.

So there's all the down parts of this emotional rollercoaster I've been riding. Or at least the biggest ones. The steepest drops and valleys.

I've had occasional moments during which my rational side takes over and attempts to convince me that my life will be much better without him in it. I don't believe it, but it had some convincing arguments.

A good friend offered to set me up on a date with a friend of hers that she thinks I'll get along with. Initially I told her I wasn't ready, but later today I told her to go for it. Then tonight I spent some time thinking about all the other people in the world that I could potentially get along with even better than him, that will appreciate who and what I am and what I do for them, and with whom I wouldn't ever have these problems.

That was about the time my emotions took over again and reminded me again of how happy I was with Tom, especially when everything was new and wonderful. And started crying again.

I just don't know what to do. My brain is telling me to move on and get over it but my heart is convinced I still have a chance, and that I won't be able to move on or get over it without literally, physically moving away.

I hate emotions. I wish I could turn mine off with a switch. What good have they done me? Showing them gets me nothing but heartache.

So there's the explanation for the need for cuddling and the posting of the song.

Still both true.

What I wouldn't give for my life to go back to December 27, 2009 when I got a text message reminding me how wonderful I was to someone I love.

Enough of this sobfest.

Fin.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

I liked this song when I first heard it... I didn't know it would soon become the story of my life.

Things aren't yet okay...

I just hope they will be soon

not-okay-ness

i really need a cuddle right now

frustration

This won't be a long post, just have to vent a few frustrations.

I suppose I could give a little update as well, for posterity's sake.

On Tuesday, the night that Rachel (Tom's karaoke friend) did karaoke at McMahon's usually a bunch of people (myself and Tom included) went outside McMahon's and just gathered to commiserate and sort of honor those who died there, especially Ryan the bartender. Afterwards we headed to the Cardinal where they let Rachel set up her karaoke stuff (even though she usually just does it there on Saturdays) and everyone (save myself and one other) proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated. Crazy hijinks ensued. It ended up being a very late night and then I had to get up for work early the next day to do 40 mouse cell injection surgeries (the most we'd done previously to Wednesday was 30 and even that was a lot).

So got in to work on Wednesday at 7:30 and did all those surgeries. To be honest we only did 39 because one of the mice we got was waaay too small to do surgery on (the average size was about 24 grams and this guy was only 17.5!). So we didn't do anything to that little guy and I'm considering adopting him (he's so freakin cute and tiny!). Left work a bit early on Wednesday because I was just exhausted (little sleep the night before). Went home and napped and then did a bunch of work on a "schematic" (aka drawing or figure) for work (about 3-4 hours of work).

Today (Thursday) I went to work and Katie and I did some practice surgeries on really old mice. I'm getting better at coring (getting the needle in through the knee into the marrow space in the femur - harder than it looks!). Still not great at plugging the hole with amalgam though (that's the stuff dentists use to fill cavities). After lunch then Joe informed me that all of my work on the schematic was to waste because Pat (boss) wanted a totally different style now. Yep. I wanted to curse a lot but managed to restrain myself. Sigh, so I get to start all over with that little project. I think I'll work on it this weekend if I get motivated - it's really difficult for me to work on it at work because I have to use a computer with no internet and crappy mouse. At home I have the internet (for minor distractions or to look up stuff) and my awesome stylus/tablet thing to draw with.

Tomorrow (Friday), Sybylla and Vicki are meeting me at Arby's for a night of fun. We're going to eat at Arby's, get ice cream at Dairy Queen, and then go see Sherlock Holmes at the Riverview theater. It promises to be a really fun night - I hope that's how it turns out!

That's all - the frustration is for the schematic really. That and some other minor things that just really aren't worth mentioning here.

Happy Easter

So a lot's been going on and I've been really lazy. My bad.

Last weekend (3/26-3/28) was kind of fun. On Thursday before that weekend my 2 sisters and dad went down to Florida for spring break. So mom came up to the cities on Friday. I got out of work a little bit early and mom brought Belle up. We went from the VA to the dog park at Minnehaha and Belle had a blast. She got soo dirty because the river was high and then she was rolling around in the dirt with other dogs. She also found a gigantic stick, more of a tree actually, and kept wanting to bring it to mom and I. I took some pictures on my phone while laughing hysterically. Sent them to the rest of the fam down in Florida and they sent back pics of them on the beach... unfair! Went back home, tied Belle to the end of my bed, and then went out to see Alice in Wonderland. I really liked the movie - I think the low expectations helped. When we got back Belle was loose in my room after chewing through the leash. Went to bed, after retying Belle's shorter leash to her collar.

A few hours later Belle had finished chewing through the leash again and decided to join us in bed. Instead of just curling up she wanted to play, lick our faces, bat her paws at our heads, etc. Eventually I managed to retie her again but mom and I didn't get much sleep.

Saturday morning we got up and mom took Belle on a walk. Around 10:30 we put Belle in one of Jordan's spare kennels in the basement and headed over to Chanhassen to go to see Footloose the musical/dinner theatre thing. It was a really fun show but there was a lot of sitting around and waiting and our seats had sort of a terrible angle (one set piece was waay too big) but it was still a fun show. It ran really long though and by the time we got back, poor Belle had had a big accident in her kennel. And had been laying in it (ew). So after cleaning her up we packed up and started heading down to Rochester. Thats about when mom discovered her phone was missing. After a little digging we realized she had left it at the Chanhassen dinner theatre. So we drove back and picked it up and then finally headed down to Rochester.

Once back at home mom worked on Sara's prom dress (which she's sewing) and I baked chocolate chip cookies. Fun family time.

Sunday I started going through my "box of stuff" from my school days. I managed to throw enough away to actually close the lid on the box, and that trip down memory lane was fun. Eventually I drove the red car (one Sara drives to school) back up to Minneapolis.

Spent that week driving to work and being generally lazy.

On Friday, at work I learned that a terrible thing had happened that morning. At 6am a fire started in one of the apartments above McMahons - the Irish pub that Tom's friend Rachel does karaoke at every Tuesday. The entire building was up in flames, and tragically 6 people died. One was a bartender at the bar that Tom and his friends all knew fairly well.

http://www.startribune.com/local/89764002.html?elr=KArksi8cyaiUqCP:iUiacyKU7DYaGEP7vDEh7P:DiUs

Basically, it was a horrible tragedy. So that night Tom, Rachel, and all that crowd (and I) got together at the new place Rachel just started running karaoke at. So many people showed up to commiserate, including Tom's ex-wife, Char. That was awkward in the extreme and really put me on edge the entire night. Other than the awkwardness it was pretty good.

Saturday was a lazy day, sleeping in and then going to BWW's for lunch with Tom. Eventually I packed up a bit and headed to Hannah's apartment to pick her and Commissioner Gordan (her cat) up and then drove down to Rochester. Had a good night at home doing mostly nothing but hanging out with the sisters (they got back from FL this Thursday).

Sunday got up, showered, and headed to church. Afterwards Megan, Sara, and I had to find plastic Easter eggs hidden in the house by our mom. She hid them indoors this time so we wouldn't be embarrassed by the neighbors like last year... yep. I was the last one to find all my eggs (as usual) but hey the candy inside was totally worth it. Eventually mom and Sara drove me back to Minneapolis. Spent the rest of the afternoon being bored.

Which brings me to today, boredom.

Topped off with some more boredom.

Wanted to go get some stuff at Target but it looked like it was about to rain after work so instead I just came home. And sat around doing ABSOLUTELY nothing.

Lame.