Dead Like Me

So today I have spent the majority of my time watching a tv series recommended to me by 2 people called Dead Like Me.

I have seriously been enjoying it and it has actually made me feel better. The main character dies in the pilot episode (don't worry, I didn't spoil anything) and so far has spent the rest of her time questioning why what happened to her happened to her and why she has to do what she has to do. She keeps trying to cheat the system, to put things in her life back the way they were or just to try to make things better, but every time she tries something goes drastically wrong. Her "mentor" lets just say continues to support her but by telling her that things are the way they are and sometimes you just can't change it but have to accept it and live with it.

Not sure if you all get why this has helped me, but I guess part of it is coming to accept my life for what it is now, not for what it was a month ago or what it was supposed to be like now. I'm still not happy with the way things are, obviously and neither is Georgia (main character) but I'm learning to cope with it and accept it for what it is.

Just now in the episode I'm watching there's a quotation I'd like to share.

"You want to be a bowling pin your whole life? Just standing there, perfectly content to be knocked down time and time again? Or would you rather be the ball? I gotta tell ya, being the ball feels a hell of a lot better."

That's all. For now at least.

it's ME again!

I'm posting like a crazy maniac these days. But I'm drunk again so that calls for a post!

Dude I'm looking at an MSN ad for "TomKat's sexy dance" apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did some sort of benefit dance...

Weird because I used to be half of "TomKat".

So after my post last night etc I was planning on going out tonight (actually been planning to for awhile now but yea). So I was all in a down mood because I knew Tom was going out too (to the same place course) and after yesterday's fiasco and then my sudden cutoff I just was not looking forward to seeing the fucker.

But then, after work, something very unexpected happened.

The fucker called me. And I didn't know who it was cuz I deleted his contact info so it just popped up with the number lol. He hasn't called me in forever, except for the one time when he called me back cuz he accidently hung up on me.

He wanted to tell me that he finally decided on a good reason for dumping me (since he obviously wasn't telling the truth about not wanting to be seeing anyone etc). It is because he thinks we have no future, that my life is going in a different direction, and that it would be easier to end it now than in 6 months so thats why he did it.

Meantime I was thinking, wtf? Did you finally come up with an excuse that won't backfire on you? And if that was really the reason then why didn't we just talk about it and come to some sort of mutual decision instead of you just making assumptions and concluding stuff on your own?

Not really sure how I actually responded.

Think I was mostly just incredulous.

Then we talked for awhile after, and the weirdest thing was that it wasn't weird. It was just us talking, about random shit and even about some of the drama, but I was finally rational and not letting my emotions rule my actions and so it was a nice conversation.

Eventually he had to hang up, and then I was left feeling... weird. I had come to a decision right, but then he threw me a curve ball and now all I wanted to do was talk about his new reason for having dumped me and why it was a stupid reason and why we should give it another try. Which was in complete conflict with my firm resolve to just get over the asshole because he's not worth the shit I've been through the past 3 weeks. He had said we could finish the conversation tonight, because we were both going out, but I still didn't know what conversation with him I wanted to have.

He didn't see a future with me because he saw me leaving and wanted to dump me now before I dumped him later. That's what I got from what he told me. Of course this is his what, 3rd? reason for dumping me so even though I believe him part of me wonders if I should.

I'm still confused. It doesn't matter what I say or do anymore, it's clear he doesn't want me back, but I still want to convince him he was wrong. That if that is his real reason, he was a fool. I never hid the fact that I wanted something more in my life, that I wanted to get out and travel and maybe even move somewhere warmer. But I said that same thing when I was looking at colleges and ended up in St. Peter, MN (love GAC but it wasn't quite the school in FL I was looking at for awhile).

All my actual future plans revolved around him. Pathetic yes, but he made me happy and that's all I care about right now. I just want to be happy with my life. He always told me to not plan my career or my life around him and really I didn't but when balancing out the good and the bad with my job and my life in Minneapolis, the good of being with Tom outweighed any of the bad weird situation with my coworkers and the freezing cold MN weather. Obviously I didn't do a very good job showing that.

My future plans involved watching him play softball this summer, going to see some Twins games at Target Field with him, helping him tear down the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper and paint the room, even moving in with him in either a house or an apartment. I told him I had to wait until we'd been together at least 6 months before we did and that was my plan... to talk to him about it after 6 months...

Still not sure what I'm thinking right now. I'm not super emotional which is good, but I just don't know what to think.

There's still this big gaping hole that's begging me to do whatever it takes to win him back, even though I have no idea what that could possibly be.

Anyway, back to my life. Went out tonight with Liisa and we totally got to the bar at least an hour before karaoke was supposed to start and like 2 hours before most of the people we knew showed up (other than Rachael of course). So we got a big booth next to the stage (we figured as people came they could pile into the booth) and then ordered some nachos and waited for the party to start.

Rachael arrived and got busy setting up and we talked to some of her friends. Then at some point I noticed some familiar looking faces at a table across the bar - Lori and some other people I'd seen around. Then Tom and his new roommate Carlos walked in. And headed straight for Lori's table. Feelings of isolation crept in and so Liisa and I moved to a smaller booth next to their table and were still completely ignored. I had already nursed one beer down and so then I ordered another and Liisa timed me to see how fast I could chug it (57 seconds woot). Then I was feeling better and so just walked up to the table and started chatting with Tom, Carlos, and Lori. Eventually Tom and I went out to get my stuff out of his car and put it in Liisa's.

I was definitely tipsy at this point, and thought it was the perfect opportunity to talk to Tom about his newfound "reason" and of course why it was complete BS and couldn't he see how happy he'd be with me again? I think he saw it coming though (hell I can't keep a secret when I'm sober much less intoxicated). So he managed to evade my prying questions and keep focussed on the task at hand.

I went back to my booth and he back to his table and I felt lonely again. Liisa was busy texting people and Matt the Cowboy wanted to tell me all about his baby mama drama but all I wanted to do was talk to Tom. So instead I waited for drinks to drop in price (happy hour?) and then had another beer.

Liisa wanted to get outside for some fresh air so I went with her just as Tom went up to sing his song (it wasn't planned but how fortuitous). <-- I just used "fortuitous" in a sentence while intoxicated. I totally rock.

So we were hanging out outside by the fireplace when Liisa nudges me and goes "Tom's looking for you." And I looked and in fact Tom was poking his head out of the front door and then turned, went back in, and came out onto the patio where we were. Granted he just borrowed a cig from Liisa and that's probably all he wanted but it again made me happy. Like when he called me. Unexpected little happy shots. And we all chatted outside for awhile until I had to go to the bathroom too badly to wait any longer.

I might be mixing up the timeline of events here, because I'm pretty sure the patio scene happened after I chugged the 2nd beer (57 seconds! still proud of that time), but whatever, it doesn't matter.

I spent a good bit of the night chatting with Carlos (he's pretty cool) and "sexy" (I gave her the sexy title on Saturday) Lori (also pretty cool but I think she'd rather avoid me). Went back to Liisa at some point, but was kind of zoned by then and didn't really focus on much. Went back up to Tom's table because he and Carlos were about to head out and tried to convince them to stay longer.

Eventually they left though, but not before I finally got back the hat Tom had given me (and then took back). My aquarium full of stuff is sitting on my floor, I'm going to have to ask Tom about the McD's coke glass (he broke one of mine and offered to give me his instead, at the time I said don't worry about it because I was still operating under the assumption that we'd be moving in together and so it wouldn't matter if I had it or he did, but I sort of want it now since I have so few big glasses).

I'm really tired right now. I didn't end up singing any karaoke tonight, but I'm guessing it will happen sooner rather than later!

My conclusion for the night is that I still like Tom. Well okay I still love Tom. And I still want him back. But if I can't then I'll be okay. I would be happier with, but I can deal without.

I still think if we tried again it would make me and him both happier people. And I still think that if we tried and it failed again at least I would know why and not be so caught up with all the nonessential and unreal and unbelievable reasons for why what happened happened. I think I could handle it better, knowing that at least I did my best and it wasn't meant to be.

It still feels unfinished, because I still feel that the 2nd try is warranted. That we deserve a 2nd try.

But I probably just need to face reality and move on.

It's hard to come to a conclusion when you're own self is so conflicted.

I'm DONE

I'm slightly inebriated now (such a lightweight) and so I'm not sure how I'll feel about this post tomorrow but hey whatever.

I love Tom. That is a fact. Another fact is that he does not love me.

I pretty much assaulted him after work today demanding to know the truth and all I got were half-truths and silence. Instead of making him man up and tell me the truth I broke down and pretty much begged him to take me back. Even though he's already dating someone else. Even though he doesn't give a shit about anyone, including himself, least of all me. Even though I care about him more than he possibly realizes. Where was I going with this?

Oh right. He finally managed to escape, running away as always, and then I was broken again. And alone.

So I called Megan and Jackie and balled to them, telling them my story and how all I wanted was to get him back no matter how illogical and irrational it was.

Luckily today was my first kickball game on Jordan's team. So after my hours of crying, going through half a kleenex box at least, Jordan and Megan and I went out to the field (about 10 blocks away). Unfortunately the umpire didn't show and there weren't any real bases on the field so the other team elected to go out to the bar instead. Our team, the Thirsty Camels, just split into two and played against ourselves. It was freezing cold and windy though, but it was still fun.

Afterwards about half or a third of the team headed out to the local bar that sponsors the team (Cloggy's?? something like that) and had a few beers. I had 2 ... hence the slight inebriation.

During the game, I made the decision to cut Tom out of my life. All he's doing now is making me miserable, first giving me the hope that I could win him back and then spitting on the hole that used to be my heart by seeing someone else mere days after dumping me.

So I deleted his contact information from my phone. Yet I still have his number because on December 27, 2009 he sent me two text messages that made me so happy I locked them and can't bear to delete them even now.

I should defriend him, cut down on the FB stalking, but I'm not sure I can handle it. Even now I'm halfway to tears.

Part of me is still convinced this is all a nightmare, that will just keep getting worse because I'm about to wake up and realize my life hasn't changed so drastically. But then I realize that I am awake, and this is my life. I can either live it or waste it crying over someone who couldn't care less about me. And why should I cry over him when he's treating me like yesterday's garbage? Just because I love him? Just because I thought he loved me?

Just talked to my mom on the phone about a car she found for me... I feel bad but I wasn't really thrilled about it. Almost started crying though... alcohol really is a depressant isn't it?

Why is it that you don't realize what you have until you've lost it?

This post was supposed to be about me taking charge of my life and my emotions and getting over Tom but I guess it's just not that easy still.

I texted him about bringing me the rest of my stuff that I left at his house (just replied to his text that I had locked... have locked... I'll delete it someday I'm sure). I wanted him to bring it to me at work tomorrow. His response? "I'm not going home tonight." Thank you for twisting the knife. Because I don't feel bad enough, you have to rub it in that you're staying at this new girl's place? Assuming that's what it is, and my last assumption proved correct so I guess I'm probably safe assuming things. I guess I should have known, our relationship moved quickly enough it stands to reason his next would follow suit.

It does dull the pain though, the alcohol. I mean I'm pretty sure I would be balling my eyes out going through the rest of my tissues if I hadn't had those 2 beers.

It's so unfair. Why do people treat each other like this? How do you claim to care about someone for 5 months and then treat them like horse shit? Where does that change come from? How can you act like two entirely separate people to someone who loves you and cares about you and would do anything for you?

I need to take a shower.

I did it, defriended him. No going back now.

I hope I manage to get some sleep tonight.

not quite figured out yet... sorry

I was riding an emotional high this morning, courtesy of my mostly fun night last night.

It was perpetuated when I met Hannah and we walked to DQ, then through the park, then back to my house to watch Matrix Reloaded. We got through most of it before we had to jump back on the light rail so she could get to work and I could get bedding for Kaylee and Mal's cage.

And then on the light rail home... the crash hit.

I'm sorry! I thought I could be fine and move on but... well I guess I'm not ready yet.

So y'all can stop reading if you want, I just have to purge my emotional baggage somewhere, and better here than... well somewhere else.

I guess I know now why it was so easy for him to break up with me, and to get over me. He must have had someone waiting in the wings, maybe multiple someones, just ready and willing to step into my spot. He won't have to deal with both the heartache and the loneliness. Apparently he's already moved on.

I may have made light of that fact in my earlier post (I still can't believe I'm posting twice in one day). But it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I don't know why I believed him when he said he just didn't want a relationship. Obviously he was trying to spare my feelings or hide the fact that he was just an ass. I really believed him though, maybe because I wanted to. Maybe because I believed I still had a chance.

I still want to believe that, what's wrong with me?

I've got the conflicts of brain and emotions again, although the brain was given a lot more ammo last night.

I hurt a lot right now.

How can someone just throw 5 months down the drain? Okay, 5 months isn't that long, but we spent practically every day together...

ouch

my heart hurts

i regret nothing

so after being a complete slug yesterday, my friend Liisa (who i met through tom coincidentally) finally convinced me to go hang out with her at the cardinal. Rachael was doing karaoke and Liisa offered to buy me a drink so I hopped on the lightrail and went up.

right when i walked in the door Liisa runs up and hugs me and pulls me outside, on the way informing me that tom had brought a date. he was there with a girl. we sat out on the patio making meaningless conversation while i tried to digest that bit of information. i couldn't believe it. for some reason i thought tom had told me the truth when he said, and i quote, 'it's not like i'll be jumping back into a new relationship in the next few weeks or anything.'

part of me is hoping that she was just one of tom's many female friends... but my realistic rational side is attempting to convince me otherwise.

after we were sitting out there for awhile, who but tom himself comes out, pulls out a brand new pack of cigarettes, and lights up. that was about the time i wanted to start laughing. he's falling back into his bad old habits because he no longer gives a damn. i remember when we first started dating he told me that all of his friends noticed a positive change in him thanks to me. well maybe he'll realize how much better off he was with me, but it probably won't be happening anytime soon.

anyway, after that i pulled Liisa inside to make good on that offer of a drink. originally, since i don't drink, it was going to be a soda. instead, it became a glass of white wine, which i downed in about 3 seconds. and then it was another glass, and then that was gone as well. then Liisa informed me that she had purchased a pitcher of some kind of beer. guess who drank most of it and a good part of the next one? that's right, ladies and gentlemen, i drank beer. and got hammered. it was wonderful.

i sang karaoke (with someone and i couldn't tell you which song), i danced, i flirted shamelessly with everyone in my radius, etc and so on. i woke up on Liisa's couch this morning with 2 of her three dogs on top of me and felt great.

managed to get home via the lightrail, talked to Jordan about joining his kickball team, and am soon to be heading back to the lightrail to meet Hannah for some DQ.

all in all the night was both horrible and amazing.

but no hangover!

up down up down up down

So lets start with what I've been up to physically the past few weeks.

On Friday April 16 I went home to Rochester. Spent the night not doing much but watching Finding Nemo with Sara and the parents.

Saturday was also low key, until dad and I took the boat out to Lake Zumbro. Dad caught the first fish, a very small walleye, then I caught the second (a male perch that "milked" all over me). Then I caught the third and final fish, a small rock bass. It was windy and cold and we didn't stay out too terribly long. On the drive to the lake we lost one of the boat cushions and I actually spotted it on the side of the road on the way back, which was awesome.

On Sunday the parents and I headed up to the cities. They dropped me off at work and then went to Target field to try to get Twins tickets. I had to dose some mice with their drug and then jumped on the Lightrail to meet up with the parents. By the time I got there they had managed to get tickets so we went in and watched them lose (but it was still a lot of fun).

I don't much remember what happened during the week. Other than on Wednesday night Sara and my dad came up to have Jordan fix his car. We all took the Lightrail up to Target field again and again managed to get tickets (more expensive but closer seats).

Pretty sure I did absolutely nothing over the weekend. On Friday I went to Target and bought Avatar and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. So I watched both of those, as well as Van Helsing and some movies on TV. Also on Friday I rescued a mouse from work, his name is Mal (as in Malcolm from Firefly) and so far he and Kaylee seem to be getting along. On Sunday I met Hannah at Target and then to her house and watched The Matrix.

Tuesday went to Sybylla's and helped make a delicious chocolate cake and watched Troy.

Cleaned my room in preparation for a friend coming to visit this weekend (backed out at the last minute because of illness).

Tonight I talked to some people on the phone and cried.

Which brings me to what I've been up to emotionally these past few weeks.

Maybe some of you readers have noticed that a lot of my posts here lately have been negative, expressing frustrations about my life and certain people in my life. I think part of the reason I have done that is because the negative incidences stood out so much more than all the small positive ones. But because I was so focussed on the negatives, the biggest negative of all came and ripped out my heart into bloody shreds.

Bit graphic, but I'm pretty down right now and attempting to explain why.

I let small frustrations build up and up and instead of expressing them and letting it go I took it out on Tom. I'm admitting that for the world to know because I realize finally how much I was letting small things get to me, and how poorly I was dealing with it.

On Wednesday, April 14th I cancelled plans with Sybylla and Vicki in order to go see Tom's first softball game. Things had gotten a little weird between us and I was hoping to start to remedy that by becoming more interested and accepting of his friends (that I hadn't been getting along with due to my own misjudgments). Instead, we had a serious conversation. We finally expressed our issues, and I felt a big weight of relief lift once I was done opening up and hearing him open up. And then I realized that things were much more serious than I expected. I had been waiting, seeing the storm build on the horizon, and knew a fight was brewing. What I didn't expect was how bad things appeared on his end of things. For him, things had gotten bad to the point that he didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was no longer a positive part of his life.

I couldn't belief it, didn't want to and so I didn't accept it. It didn't help that he had to run to get to his softball game. To be honest I still can't accept it. I just don't want to think that I can't get a second chance. Right, back to chronological order...

Talked again on Thursday for a very brief talk and his decision was again reiterated.

That's why I had to go home on Friday, I couldn't handle being alone in Minneapolis over the weekend.

That weekend is when I realized how shitty I'd been treating him. Since I discovered that, I managed to convince myself that he'd accept my realization and apology and take me back. I thought, foolishly perhaps, that reminding him I loved him would remind him that he loved me.

I spent so much time remember all the fun I had with Tom, how much I love talking to him, watching movies and tv, hanging out, even going out and watching him sing karaoke. Remembering how just seeing him walk into a room or in my line of sight would make me smile involuntarily.

I wanted to tell him what I discovered as soon as possible, because I missed him. He said he needed time to think, to take a break, but I was so sure that what I had to say would change his mind I couldn't wait to tell him. So I badgered him until he finally agreed to talk to me on Thursday. I left him alone then, until Thursday, and prepared my "argument." I even went so far as to write an outline. I was so convinced it was foolproof!

Obviously, from the way I've phrased the previous statements, it was not foolproof. Maybe I pressured him too much, with my needing to meet so soon, maybe his mind had been made up long before I even began to formulate my argument, maybe maybe maybe.

His decision, or verdict, or whatever was that he was better off not in a relationship. Not with me, not with anyone. I couldn't tell him how much I wanted to make it better, how much I thought I could make his life better and stop making it worse if he'd just give me a chance.

This is the most revealing emotional post I've ever made, but I feel bad crying to my friends all the time and this is just as good of an outlet with less guilt (since I'm not forcing anyone to read it).

I digress.

Heartbroken.

Right, keep going here.

I managed to leave him alone for a whole week. I was planning on having a friend come stay the weekend and attempt to not contact him for a whole two weeks. But then the friend cancelled, and I got impatient. And bored. And really, really lonely and depressed. So I asked if he wanted to hang out next week, because he said earlier that he'd like to still be friends.

I don't want to be friends, I want him. I want to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him. But I've hung out with him so much over the past 5 months that if I can't have that, I at least want some of what made my life good.

So I again pressured him, made him talk to me today after work. It made me so happy just to talk to him, and yet I could tell the whole time he was just uncomfortable and trying to get rid of me. Can you understand the intense conflict of feelings I was experiencing? On the one hand, talking to someone you are comfortable with in the extreme, that you used to spend part of every day talking to, that you still love and want to be with, that just makes you happy. So all of that = happy feelings. Then realizing that that person isn't comfortable talking with you anymore, that something vital has changed and possibly forever, that you don't know when the next time you'll get this happiness again or if you ever will again, that you did something so terrible, so horrible, so unforgiveable that you won't ever get a second chance or an opportunity to fix it. In case that wasn't clear, those feelings = heartbreaking.

So there's all the down parts of this emotional rollercoaster I've been riding. Or at least the biggest ones. The steepest drops and valleys.

I've had occasional moments during which my rational side takes over and attempts to convince me that my life will be much better without him in it. I don't believe it, but it had some convincing arguments.

A good friend offered to set me up on a date with a friend of hers that she thinks I'll get along with. Initially I told her I wasn't ready, but later today I told her to go for it. Then tonight I spent some time thinking about all the other people in the world that I could potentially get along with even better than him, that will appreciate who and what I am and what I do for them, and with whom I wouldn't ever have these problems.

That was about the time my emotions took over again and reminded me again of how happy I was with Tom, especially when everything was new and wonderful. And started crying again.

I just don't know what to do. My brain is telling me to move on and get over it but my heart is convinced I still have a chance, and that I won't be able to move on or get over it without literally, physically moving away.

I hate emotions. I wish I could turn mine off with a switch. What good have they done me? Showing them gets me nothing but heartache.

So there's the explanation for the need for cuddling and the posting of the song.

Still both true.

What I wouldn't give for my life to go back to December 27, 2009 when I got a text message reminding me how wonderful I was to someone I love.

Enough of this sobfest.

Fin.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

I liked this song when I first heard it... I didn't know it would soon become the story of my life.

Things aren't yet okay...

I just hope they will be soon