Hey June

I can't believe it's already June. I'd like to say I've been neglecting to update because I already had more posts than were necessary in May, but in reality I've just been avoiding it.

I'm finding it hard to draw the line between just chatting about my life and having a complete emotional release via this blog and so I just avoided the temptation altogether.

Because sadly enough, ladies and gentlemen, I'm still not great.

Let's get the non-emotional stuff sorted first so those who don't want to deal with it can just stop reading at a certain point and move on.

Basically, I've been doing everything I can to fill up my days with things to do. It's been really difficult at work because there's so little to do and I have zero motivation to do the mundane things that could be done but don't really need to be. So I spend a lot of time at work hiding in bathrooms or just sitting around thinking. All the thinking is dangerous for me, because it generally makes me sad, but I digress.

After work starts the desperate need to DO something, anything. Kickball helps, but doesn't last nearly long enough. So far, since I've been on the team we've won every single game. Just this past week we played in costumes (pirate for me of course) because the other team's uniform was also orange. We were down 1-0 until about the second to last inning when I managed to kick Jordan in to score. Then we went into overtime and ended up winning. It seemed like mostly luck because the team we played against was all athletic-looking and slightly more serious than we were.

Beyond kickball, I just pester and annoy people to do things with me, or give up go home and mope in my room all night. That and of course going home on many random weekends in the hopes that being in Rochester with my family will distract me enough to stop thinking. It sometimes works, at least moreso than being in Minneapolis.

About 2 weeks ago I started the big push to buy a car. I mean I always absent mindedly checked craigslist for cars but never really got serious until about 2 weeks ago. I had friends, Jordan, and parents all looking for me and eventually my parents found a few that they test drove for me and seemed to like. It eventually led to the purchase of my new baby, a white 2005 Hyundai Elantra. The woman I bought it from however was slightly crazy. I went down on Friday afternoon (not 3 days ago but the Friday before) and was going to test drive it and then buy it from the lady. So mom and I went down and waited for her to get out of work. She said be there by 4 so we'd have plenty of time to hit the license center to sign the title over afterwards (it closed at 5:30). So we were there a little early. She didn't come out until like 4:45 (although she did call and let us know she was running late). So then I drove it pretty much around the block, decided it was good enough (was seriously desperate for a car by now) and just said let's do it. So all she really needed to do was sign the form and then mom and I could take it to the license center and figure it out from there but she insisted on coming with and then insisted we go to the license center that was not on the way home but in the opposite direction. We got there and then discovered it was already closed so then we had to turn around and drive all the way back to the one mom and I originally wanted to go to. During all this driving, mom followed in her rented car (the bug was in the shop) and the lady rode with me - in the back seat for most of it! Weirdness. Anyway so we got to the license center around 5:05 and started getting it signed over when the woman behind the counter informed us that the car lady needed to take care of the lean agreement before she could sign the car over (which makes sense, she needed to finish paying off the car before she sold it... duh?). For some reason that had never occurred to the lady that she'd have to do before selling the car. So then I had to speed drive her to her bank (up by my house coincidentally), wait for the slow teller to figure out what it was we needed her to do, and then speed drive back to the license center. Got into the parking lot and an old woman was trying to park her car and backed out unexpectedly and was literally inches away from hitting me. A good sign, nearly getting hit moments before purchasing the car. Ran into the license center at about 5:28 - mom had stayed behind to hold down the fort I guess and make sure they stayed open. Finally got the title signed over, paid the taxes and the updated tags for the plates, and drove home. In my car. It's so nice to say I finally have a car!

I ended up staying overnight on Friday and then driving myself back up to Minneapolis on Saturday afternoon, on my own schedule and at my own pace. It was wonderful. Don't quite remember what I did the rest of that weekend, other than drive anywhere I wanted to whenever I wanted to.

Last week I drove in to work every day. It was pretty lame, and I said I'd just give myself one week of doing it, but then I drove again today because I was running behind (Harley was whining so I let him out and he threw up and then didn't want to come back inside). But that's getting ahead of myself of course.

Then again, I already said what happened this Wednesday (costumed kickball in case you forgot) so the chronology of this post is way off anyway.

Saw some movies (Iron Man 2 and Robin Hood), read some books (I should say re-read for the most part), watered Sybylla's plants this week (she was down in Kansas for a wedding), drove myself to Target, burned some CDs for my car (which reminds me, I need to make more), and overall accomplished very little other than spending lots of money (buying a car does that). Had plans fall through a lot this long weekend, which made it seem very long indeed.

Still haven't decided if I prefer the weekends or the week nowadays. I like the whole sleeping in thing for the weekends, but it also tends to leave me with more downtime to think, which as I've already mentioned can be quite dangerous.

This weekend I did go to a wedding on Saturday, knowing neither the bride nor the groom but enjoying the free food.

I think that's enough of my outside life, time to delve into the maelstrom of deeper thoughts and feelings. So feel free to tune out now.

I have done a much better job of acting okay lately. And sometimes I do it so well I even convince myself that I'm okay. And maybe I am okay. I'm certainly eating again (possibly overeating in fact which is a mite worrisome), I might be sleeping better although my dreams are becoming more frequent, and I don't spend every minute of the day thinking about certain things. What it feels like, in fact, is a wound that's healing. Like I got stabbed, and at first the pain was unbearable and I was screaming and writhing in pain with nothing able to stop it or distract me from it. Now, it's more like a gaping, nasty wound that looks terrible and throbs and hurts when I look at it or think about it but I can be more numb to it, even forget about it for brief moments.

Every once in awhile though, the pain rushes back, crippling me, and I can't help crawling into bed and crying into my pillow. Assuming I'm home that is, otherwise I have to find a bathroom somewhere. That's less than fun.

Sometimes in the morning I wake up and don't believe it's happened. I think that it was just a bad dream surely and things are the way they should be again, but obviously that's never the case.

I feel bad whining about it so much, so I've tried to stop. And really, like I've described, things are getting better, I think. Or at least different. I have a car now and more experience with alcohol (and no I'm not a stinking alcoholic I just don't run and hide from it like I used to and happen to be a lightweight). My outlook on a lot of things has changed and I feel more like the person I always thought I was but was too shy to discover. I don't think I'm entirely there yet, but I'm making progress (if this doesn't make sense I understand, but it makes sense in my brain). I haven't gone so far as to dye my hair (was on the list) or get a tattoo (also on the list) but maybe I will soon. Summer is always a good time to reinvent yourself.

I also want to move out of Jordan's house. Not that he's not a great roommate, I just don't know that I feel comfortable there anymore. There's always the overwhelming feeling that it's his house. Which it is, but I want to try an apartment or somewhere that I feel I'm an equal participant or whatever. Where I don't have to feel guilty that I left out some pizza boxes overnight. Where no one is bothered by rodent smells.

Speaking of which, Mal is back at work, living with some other mice sneakily until he's discovered. Kaylee is not doing so well, and I'm not sure if it's because she's lonely or just sick. She got another ear infection (I assume) because she was all loopy and unbalanced and then one morning I woke up to her squeaking because she had gotten her leg trapped around the wheel. I had to take it apart to get her out and now she's seriously limping on that leg and I'm afraid she may have broken it. I was going to take her into work to xray it but she's been so unbalanced and pathetic looking I'm afraid that if I put her out to get xrayed she might not wake back up. So I moved her water to the lower level and make sure she has plenty of food and cleaned out her cage an extra time, but I'm not sure what else to do for her. I thought about finding a pet store and getting another female rat for her to live with but I'm afraid that the other would just get sick as well. I'm not sure if stress is contributing to her illness or anything. Right now I'm just letting whatever is going to happen happen, but I really don't want her to die. It would sort of fall in with the rest of the luck I've been having lately, but I'm dreading it.

I can't believe how long it's been. How long I've been living like this, throwing myself into outside activities but still in pain. Time seems unreal. Part of me wants to just pack everything I can fit into my car and just drive away. Empty out my bank accounts and just drive as far as I can make it, and start a new life. But of course I have no balls, otherwise I'd be living in Australia right now.

I can't believe how long I've worked here with just Katie and Joe. I can't believe how long it's been since I had real genuine fun with Tom (because looking back honestly I know it's been longer than since he broke up with me). I can't believe how long it's been since I was honest to goodness happy with my life.

Right now I'm settling. I'm settling for having a job that pays the bills and living somewhere close to work because of that reason only (and the month to month lease is nice too). I need to grow up. I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life and get out there and do it. I need to find a job that doesn't remind me every day of what I lost and find a place to live that doesn't remind me every night of what I lost.

I need to move on, but I don't want to. It's like I had a rose, but the flower died and all I'm left with is the thorny stem. I should just throw it away and move on, but instead I hold onto it, and occasionally clutch it tight, digging the thorns into my hand, just to remind me of the beauty of the rose that was.

Back 2 Good

There's a music video at the end of this post. Okay the video is weird, but focus on the music and the lyrics. At least most of the lyrics, some are strangely unrelated.

Despite how the lyrics go, and the fact that part of me is still, like this morning, aching to get things "back to good" a bigger part of me has found acceptance (yet again). Of course this could just be me going through another high (I did work out again tonight) but I'll take it while I can get it.

Work today was less than thrilling, the most exciting thing we did was xray the cognition/fracture mice that are still around for unknown reasons.

After work, I was supposed to go to Minnehaha Falls with Sybylla and Vicki, but we had to reschedule due to the rain and freezing cold. So I was getting really down and depressed (see previous post) and was wandering around Facebook when I started chatting with Amanda (former coworker at the VA). And she totally understood what I was going through and offered to meet me after work so we could hang out and chat. I gladly accepted and so after work we met at the Cardinal (after she got a bit lost on the way). We ate food (mini corn dogs and nachos) and had a beer or two (I had 1 thanks) and chatted about all sorts of things.

Ok, let's be honest, I chatted about my feelings and about the shit that's fucked up in my life and why Tom was treating me like a big pile of dog shit. Because he is. Because you don't care for someone, say you need a break but you won't be seeing anyone, and then turn around and start dating someone else. Even if you wanted to start dating someone, if you respected the person who's heart you just broke, you would wait until, I don't know, at least a month had passed. Not a week or two. And she understood that rationally I know I should hate him, but I don't. She understood that I'm still at the stage where I would do anything, anything, to have him back, even after the bullshit. She's the only person so far that gets it, and it was such a relief to be able to talk to someone about it. Everyone else has tried to speak only to my rational side, trying to convince my emotional side that it should just shut up and go hide in a corner, she's the only one who really knew what I was going through and that it was just going to take some time to move on.

Okay so I'm like singing her praises here, it's not that the rest of the people I've talked to don't care or haven't helped, it's just none of them have been in a similar situation. That experience, coming from someone else, was just really helpful.

After that I had her drop me off at the VA and then I grabbed my stuff and went to the employee fitness center and again took out frustrations on the exercise equipment while watching the Twins game. It sucked because sometime between leaving the Cardinal and arriving at the VA they went from winning 1-0 to losing 1-5, and never managed to recover (they scored one more run but lost 2-5).

After that I rode my bike home (I had the lights on and the streets are well lit!) and came upstairs and started writing in here (the song from the video was the last one that played on my MP3 player and just felt really right).

Mid writing, I discovered something. I am feeling the pains of a broken heart, and the even sharper pains of realizing that the one who broke it neither misses me nor cares about what they did. That wasn't the entire realization, the rest was that this is so new and painful to me because I've always been lucky enough to be on the breaking side of things rather than the broken. I mean I've felt like my heart was broken, felt pain even if I was doing the breaking, but never really truly understood it until now. It is a horrible realization to discover that the one you love doesn't feel that way about you anymore, and if you're the one who no longer feels that bond you don't realize how strong it remains in the other person. I guess I just assumed that, with time, their bond would lessen as mine had and they would move on and become whole again.

Sometimes I'm sure that's how it works.

But not always.

I hope that's not me, for my own sake. I guess I'm a selfish creature at heart, I want my life back to how it was because I see now how much better it was. I don't really care if he's happier without me, because my mind can't fathom how it could be so. If I really cared about him, the way some people cared about me, I would want him to be happy even if it wasn't with me.

Maybe someday I'll get to that point, it's just too soon.

Much much too soon.

So for all you avid readers out there I hope you enjoyed my latest realization, I'm still in a phase but it will pass eventually (if I'm lucky).

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6 months

6 months ago today I was excitedly waiting for the work day to end so I could go on my first date with the cute guy I met at orientation. My coworkers and I were excited about it and they were giving me tips as to how I would tell if it was a date or not, how to gauge his reaction to the date, whether or not I should offer to pay, etc and so on. I was also a bit nervous, but mostly excited and most likely spent a good part of the day texting my upcoming date.

Today has not been quite so fun. While attempting to act lighthearted and happy, inside all I can think about is why can't I go back to 6 months ago? My coworkers are gone so there's no one I can chat with about these sorts of things, it's raining outside, my roommate wants me to get rid of Mal, and Tom no longer wants to talk to me, see me, love me, be with me. Not to mention I haven't been sleeping or eating well lately. Yay depression!

Yesterday after work I went to the VA employee fitness center and took out my frustrations on the exercise equipment there. It gave me a good endorphin high right up until the time my roommate told me I had to get rid of my mouse, and then I crashed again. Seriously this emotional roller coaster is grinding away at my nerves!

I wish today I could go on another first date with Tom, change the TV show and the movie maybe, but just start over with him and watch it work out better this time.

Don't hate me for that please. I know all of you are sick and tired of me whining about how I want Tom back and everyone has attempted to convince me that we need time and space and if it's meant to work out it will, but today was supposed to be a special day. And all I want is that back. I want to make a taco ring and snuggle up on the couch with him and watch TV together as it rains outside.

Whatever I want to do, is the wrong thing to do. What my emotions are telling me to do will only further hurt myself and the others who have to deal with the broken version of me.

It must be nice to have a rebound ready to go when you end it with someone. Then you can transfer all your feelings and emotional ties from the old to the new and not have to deal with the heartbreak and loneliness in between.

I miss his smile. I miss his being happy and excited to talk to me.

Why can't someone invent me a time machine already?

Happy Mother's Day

Friday night I went out with Vicki and Sybylla to meet a bunch of people from college and have dinner at a fancy Italian place at the MoA. It was mostly in honor of Sarah (who lives in Seattle) coming into town to visit GAC on Saturday. It was a late dinner but really delicious (I had cheese ravioli).

On Saturday Megan picked me up around noon and we headed down to Rochester to surprise mom for Mother's Day. Got home, walked in, and dad didn't even flinch. We hadn't told anyone we were coming but he barely even reacted lol. Then we went down to the basement (where mom was) and she saw us and we hugged and she got so emotional she cried a little. Which means we win (coming home was a good surprise). Sara was getting ready for prom and then they went out to go to the Grand March and take pictures and dad and I went out around Rochester looking at cars. Unfortunately no one was open but we found a couple that looked good from the outside. Eventually we headed to a restaurant and waited for mom and Megan to get back from picture taking. We all then ate (delicious) and then went home. Megan and mom were supposed to stop at a Redbox or something like it and get Iron Man to watch but it was all out so instead they got Nine (musical movie thing). It was so long and boring, it was over halfway done and I was still waiting for the plot to start! Afterwards we watched SNL with Betty White and it was pretty funny. Still not a fan of some of the skits but she was pretty funny.

Sunday I slept in, and woke up to dad making us breakfast (eggs and bacon and toast). Mostly wasted away the morning, until Megan and I and dad moved up the 2 twin beds up to my room (or as it's now known as the spare bedroom). Strangely enough Jackie had decided to come up to Rochester from Chicago this weekend as well so she came over to say hi to Belle and the fam and then we went out to our usual Dairy Queen and chatted, it was good but cut too short because I was under the impression our fam was doing something for Mother's Day and she had some errands to run with her fam. Short but sweet visit, and a probably much needed pep talk as well.

Megan drove me back up to Minneapolis and then Vicki picked me up around 6pm to go see Avatar at the Riverview with her, Sybylla, and Sybylla's mom. Good movie, as always, and again better to see on the big screen.

Got home and have wasted most of my night doing who knows what.

As far as my emotional state goes, well that's my business again and you'll have to talk to me to find out :P

Dead Like Me

So today I have spent the majority of my time watching a tv series recommended to me by 2 people called Dead Like Me.

I have seriously been enjoying it and it has actually made me feel better. The main character dies in the pilot episode (don't worry, I didn't spoil anything) and so far has spent the rest of her time questioning why what happened to her happened to her and why she has to do what she has to do. She keeps trying to cheat the system, to put things in her life back the way they were or just to try to make things better, but every time she tries something goes drastically wrong. Her "mentor" lets just say continues to support her but by telling her that things are the way they are and sometimes you just can't change it but have to accept it and live with it.

Not sure if you all get why this has helped me, but I guess part of it is coming to accept my life for what it is now, not for what it was a month ago or what it was supposed to be like now. I'm still not happy with the way things are, obviously and neither is Georgia (main character) but I'm learning to cope with it and accept it for what it is.

Just now in the episode I'm watching there's a quotation I'd like to share.

"You want to be a bowling pin your whole life? Just standing there, perfectly content to be knocked down time and time again? Or would you rather be the ball? I gotta tell ya, being the ball feels a hell of a lot better."

That's all. For now at least.

it's ME again!

I'm posting like a crazy maniac these days. But I'm drunk again so that calls for a post!

Dude I'm looking at an MSN ad for "TomKat's sexy dance" apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did some sort of benefit dance...

Weird because I used to be half of "TomKat".

So after my post last night etc I was planning on going out tonight (actually been planning to for awhile now but yea). So I was all in a down mood because I knew Tom was going out too (to the same place course) and after yesterday's fiasco and then my sudden cutoff I just was not looking forward to seeing the fucker.

But then, after work, something very unexpected happened.

The fucker called me. And I didn't know who it was cuz I deleted his contact info so it just popped up with the number lol. He hasn't called me in forever, except for the one time when he called me back cuz he accidently hung up on me.

He wanted to tell me that he finally decided on a good reason for dumping me (since he obviously wasn't telling the truth about not wanting to be seeing anyone etc). It is because he thinks we have no future, that my life is going in a different direction, and that it would be easier to end it now than in 6 months so thats why he did it.

Meantime I was thinking, wtf? Did you finally come up with an excuse that won't backfire on you? And if that was really the reason then why didn't we just talk about it and come to some sort of mutual decision instead of you just making assumptions and concluding stuff on your own?

Not really sure how I actually responded.

Think I was mostly just incredulous.

Then we talked for awhile after, and the weirdest thing was that it wasn't weird. It was just us talking, about random shit and even about some of the drama, but I was finally rational and not letting my emotions rule my actions and so it was a nice conversation.

Eventually he had to hang up, and then I was left feeling... weird. I had come to a decision right, but then he threw me a curve ball and now all I wanted to do was talk about his new reason for having dumped me and why it was a stupid reason and why we should give it another try. Which was in complete conflict with my firm resolve to just get over the asshole because he's not worth the shit I've been through the past 3 weeks. He had said we could finish the conversation tonight, because we were both going out, but I still didn't know what conversation with him I wanted to have.

He didn't see a future with me because he saw me leaving and wanted to dump me now before I dumped him later. That's what I got from what he told me. Of course this is his what, 3rd? reason for dumping me so even though I believe him part of me wonders if I should.

I'm still confused. It doesn't matter what I say or do anymore, it's clear he doesn't want me back, but I still want to convince him he was wrong. That if that is his real reason, he was a fool. I never hid the fact that I wanted something more in my life, that I wanted to get out and travel and maybe even move somewhere warmer. But I said that same thing when I was looking at colleges and ended up in St. Peter, MN (love GAC but it wasn't quite the school in FL I was looking at for awhile).

All my actual future plans revolved around him. Pathetic yes, but he made me happy and that's all I care about right now. I just want to be happy with my life. He always told me to not plan my career or my life around him and really I didn't but when balancing out the good and the bad with my job and my life in Minneapolis, the good of being with Tom outweighed any of the bad weird situation with my coworkers and the freezing cold MN weather. Obviously I didn't do a very good job showing that.

My future plans involved watching him play softball this summer, going to see some Twins games at Target Field with him, helping him tear down the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper and paint the room, even moving in with him in either a house or an apartment. I told him I had to wait until we'd been together at least 6 months before we did and that was my plan... to talk to him about it after 6 months...

Still not sure what I'm thinking right now. I'm not super emotional which is good, but I just don't know what to think.

There's still this big gaping hole that's begging me to do whatever it takes to win him back, even though I have no idea what that could possibly be.

Anyway, back to my life. Went out tonight with Liisa and we totally got to the bar at least an hour before karaoke was supposed to start and like 2 hours before most of the people we knew showed up (other than Rachael of course). So we got a big booth next to the stage (we figured as people came they could pile into the booth) and then ordered some nachos and waited for the party to start.

Rachael arrived and got busy setting up and we talked to some of her friends. Then at some point I noticed some familiar looking faces at a table across the bar - Lori and some other people I'd seen around. Then Tom and his new roommate Carlos walked in. And headed straight for Lori's table. Feelings of isolation crept in and so Liisa and I moved to a smaller booth next to their table and were still completely ignored. I had already nursed one beer down and so then I ordered another and Liisa timed me to see how fast I could chug it (57 seconds woot). Then I was feeling better and so just walked up to the table and started chatting with Tom, Carlos, and Lori. Eventually Tom and I went out to get my stuff out of his car and put it in Liisa's.

I was definitely tipsy at this point, and thought it was the perfect opportunity to talk to Tom about his newfound "reason" and of course why it was complete BS and couldn't he see how happy he'd be with me again? I think he saw it coming though (hell I can't keep a secret when I'm sober much less intoxicated). So he managed to evade my prying questions and keep focussed on the task at hand.

I went back to my booth and he back to his table and I felt lonely again. Liisa was busy texting people and Matt the Cowboy wanted to tell me all about his baby mama drama but all I wanted to do was talk to Tom. So instead I waited for drinks to drop in price (happy hour?) and then had another beer.

Liisa wanted to get outside for some fresh air so I went with her just as Tom went up to sing his song (it wasn't planned but how fortuitous). <-- I just used "fortuitous" in a sentence while intoxicated. I totally rock.

So we were hanging out outside by the fireplace when Liisa nudges me and goes "Tom's looking for you." And I looked and in fact Tom was poking his head out of the front door and then turned, went back in, and came out onto the patio where we were. Granted he just borrowed a cig from Liisa and that's probably all he wanted but it again made me happy. Like when he called me. Unexpected little happy shots. And we all chatted outside for awhile until I had to go to the bathroom too badly to wait any longer.

I might be mixing up the timeline of events here, because I'm pretty sure the patio scene happened after I chugged the 2nd beer (57 seconds! still proud of that time), but whatever, it doesn't matter.

I spent a good bit of the night chatting with Carlos (he's pretty cool) and "sexy" (I gave her the sexy title on Saturday) Lori (also pretty cool but I think she'd rather avoid me). Went back to Liisa at some point, but was kind of zoned by then and didn't really focus on much. Went back up to Tom's table because he and Carlos were about to head out and tried to convince them to stay longer.

Eventually they left though, but not before I finally got back the hat Tom had given me (and then took back). My aquarium full of stuff is sitting on my floor, I'm going to have to ask Tom about the McD's coke glass (he broke one of mine and offered to give me his instead, at the time I said don't worry about it because I was still operating under the assumption that we'd be moving in together and so it wouldn't matter if I had it or he did, but I sort of want it now since I have so few big glasses).

I'm really tired right now. I didn't end up singing any karaoke tonight, but I'm guessing it will happen sooner rather than later!

My conclusion for the night is that I still like Tom. Well okay I still love Tom. And I still want him back. But if I can't then I'll be okay. I would be happier with, but I can deal without.

I still think if we tried again it would make me and him both happier people. And I still think that if we tried and it failed again at least I would know why and not be so caught up with all the nonessential and unreal and unbelievable reasons for why what happened happened. I think I could handle it better, knowing that at least I did my best and it wasn't meant to be.

It still feels unfinished, because I still feel that the 2nd try is warranted. That we deserve a 2nd try.

But I probably just need to face reality and move on.

It's hard to come to a conclusion when you're own self is so conflicted.

I'm DONE

I'm slightly inebriated now (such a lightweight) and so I'm not sure how I'll feel about this post tomorrow but hey whatever.

I love Tom. That is a fact. Another fact is that he does not love me.

I pretty much assaulted him after work today demanding to know the truth and all I got were half-truths and silence. Instead of making him man up and tell me the truth I broke down and pretty much begged him to take me back. Even though he's already dating someone else. Even though he doesn't give a shit about anyone, including himself, least of all me. Even though I care about him more than he possibly realizes. Where was I going with this?

Oh right. He finally managed to escape, running away as always, and then I was broken again. And alone.

So I called Megan and Jackie and balled to them, telling them my story and how all I wanted was to get him back no matter how illogical and irrational it was.

Luckily today was my first kickball game on Jordan's team. So after my hours of crying, going through half a kleenex box at least, Jordan and Megan and I went out to the field (about 10 blocks away). Unfortunately the umpire didn't show and there weren't any real bases on the field so the other team elected to go out to the bar instead. Our team, the Thirsty Camels, just split into two and played against ourselves. It was freezing cold and windy though, but it was still fun.

Afterwards about half or a third of the team headed out to the local bar that sponsors the team (Cloggy's?? something like that) and had a few beers. I had 2 ... hence the slight inebriation.

During the game, I made the decision to cut Tom out of my life. All he's doing now is making me miserable, first giving me the hope that I could win him back and then spitting on the hole that used to be my heart by seeing someone else mere days after dumping me.

So I deleted his contact information from my phone. Yet I still have his number because on December 27, 2009 he sent me two text messages that made me so happy I locked them and can't bear to delete them even now.

I should defriend him, cut down on the FB stalking, but I'm not sure I can handle it. Even now I'm halfway to tears.

Part of me is still convinced this is all a nightmare, that will just keep getting worse because I'm about to wake up and realize my life hasn't changed so drastically. But then I realize that I am awake, and this is my life. I can either live it or waste it crying over someone who couldn't care less about me. And why should I cry over him when he's treating me like yesterday's garbage? Just because I love him? Just because I thought he loved me?

Just talked to my mom on the phone about a car she found for me... I feel bad but I wasn't really thrilled about it. Almost started crying though... alcohol really is a depressant isn't it?

Why is it that you don't realize what you have until you've lost it?

This post was supposed to be about me taking charge of my life and my emotions and getting over Tom but I guess it's just not that easy still.

I texted him about bringing me the rest of my stuff that I left at his house (just replied to his text that I had locked... have locked... I'll delete it someday I'm sure). I wanted him to bring it to me at work tomorrow. His response? "I'm not going home tonight." Thank you for twisting the knife. Because I don't feel bad enough, you have to rub it in that you're staying at this new girl's place? Assuming that's what it is, and my last assumption proved correct so I guess I'm probably safe assuming things. I guess I should have known, our relationship moved quickly enough it stands to reason his next would follow suit.

It does dull the pain though, the alcohol. I mean I'm pretty sure I would be balling my eyes out going through the rest of my tissues if I hadn't had those 2 beers.

It's so unfair. Why do people treat each other like this? How do you claim to care about someone for 5 months and then treat them like horse shit? Where does that change come from? How can you act like two entirely separate people to someone who loves you and cares about you and would do anything for you?

I need to take a shower.

I did it, defriended him. No going back now.

I hope I manage to get some sleep tonight.