On Friday April 16 I went home to Rochester. Spent the night not doing much but watching Finding Nemo with Sara and the parents.
Saturday was also low key, until dad and I took the boat out to Lake Zumbro. Dad caught the first fish, a very small walleye, then I caught the second (a male perch that "milked" all over me). Then I caught the third and final fish, a small rock bass. It was windy and cold and we didn't stay out too terribly long. On the drive to the lake we lost one of the boat cushions and I actually spotted it on the side of the road on the way back, which was awesome.
On Sunday the parents and I headed up to the cities. They dropped me off at work and then went to Target field to try to get Twins tickets. I had to dose some mice with their drug and then jumped on the Lightrail to meet up with the parents. By the time I got there they had managed to get tickets so we went in and watched them lose (but it was still a lot of fun).
I don't much remember what happened during the week. Other than on Wednesday night Sara and my dad came up to have Jordan fix his car. We all took the Lightrail up to Target field again and again managed to get tickets (more expensive but closer seats).
Pretty sure I did absolutely nothing over the weekend. On Friday I went to Target and bought Avatar and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. So I watched both of those, as well as Van Helsing and some movies on TV. Also on Friday I rescued a mouse from work, his name is Mal (as in Malcolm from Firefly) and so far he and Kaylee seem to be getting along. On Sunday I met Hannah at Target and then to her house and watched The Matrix.
Tuesday went to Sybylla's and helped make a delicious chocolate cake and watched Troy.
Cleaned my room in preparation for a friend coming to visit this weekend (backed out at the last minute because of illness).
Tonight I talked to some people on the phone and cried.
Which brings me to what I've been up to emotionally these past few weeks.
Maybe some of you readers have noticed that a lot of my posts here lately have been negative, expressing frustrations about my life and certain people in my life. I think part of the reason I have done that is because the negative incidences stood out so much more than all the small positive ones. But because I was so focussed on the negatives, the biggest negative of all came and ripped out my heart into bloody shreds.
Bit graphic, but I'm pretty down right now and attempting to explain why.
I let small frustrations build up and up and instead of expressing them and letting it go I took it out on Tom. I'm admitting that for the world to know because I realize finally how much I was letting small things get to me, and how poorly I was dealing with it.
On Wednesday, April 14th I cancelled plans with Sybylla and Vicki in order to go see Tom's first softball game. Things had gotten a little weird between us and I was hoping to start to remedy that by becoming more interested and accepting of his friends (that I hadn't been getting along with due to my own misjudgments). Instead, we had a serious conversation. We finally expressed our issues, and I felt a big weight of relief lift once I was done opening up and hearing him open up. And then I realized that things were much more serious than I expected. I had been waiting, seeing the storm build on the horizon, and knew a fight was brewing. What I didn't expect was how bad things appeared on his end of things. For him, things had gotten bad to the point that he didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was no longer a positive part of his life.
I couldn't belief it, didn't want to and so I didn't accept it. It didn't help that he had to run to get to his softball game. To be honest I still can't accept it. I just don't want to think that I can't get a second chance. Right, back to chronological order...
Talked again on Thursday for a very brief talk and his decision was again reiterated.
That's why I had to go home on Friday, I couldn't handle being alone in Minneapolis over the weekend.
That weekend is when I realized how shitty I'd been treating him. Since I discovered that, I managed to convince myself that he'd accept my realization and apology and take me back. I thought, foolishly perhaps, that reminding him I loved him would remind him that he loved me.
I spent so much time remember all the fun I had with Tom, how much I love talking to him, watching movies and tv, hanging out, even going out and watching him sing karaoke. Remembering how just seeing him walk into a room or in my line of sight would make me smile involuntarily.
I wanted to tell him what I discovered as soon as possible, because I missed him. He said he needed time to think, to take a break, but I was so sure that what I had to say would change his mind I couldn't wait to tell him. So I badgered him until he finally agreed to talk to me on Thursday. I left him alone then, until Thursday, and prepared my "argument." I even went so far as to write an outline. I was so convinced it was foolproof!
Obviously, from the way I've phrased the previous statements, it was not foolproof. Maybe I pressured him too much, with my needing to meet so soon, maybe his mind had been made up long before I even began to formulate my argument, maybe maybe maybe.
His decision, or verdict, or whatever was that he was better off not in a relationship. Not with me, not with anyone. I couldn't tell him how much I wanted to make it better, how much I thought I could make his life better and stop making it worse if he'd just give me a chance.
This is the most revealing emotional post I've ever made, but I feel bad crying to my friends all the time and this is just as good of an outlet with less guilt (since I'm not forcing anyone to read it).
I digress.
Heartbroken.
Right, keep going here.
I managed to leave him alone for a whole week. I was planning on having a friend come stay the weekend and attempt to not contact him for a whole two weeks. But then the friend cancelled, and I got impatient. And bored. And really, really lonely and depressed. So I asked if he wanted to hang out next week, because he said earlier that he'd like to still be friends.
I don't want to be friends, I want him. I want to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him. But I've hung out with him so much over the past 5 months that if I can't have that, I at least want some of what made my life good.
So I again pressured him, made him talk to me today after work. It made me so happy just to talk to him, and yet I could tell the whole time he was just uncomfortable and trying to get rid of me. Can you understand the intense conflict of feelings I was experiencing? On the one hand, talking to someone you are comfortable with in the extreme, that you used to spend part of every day talking to, that you still love and want to be with, that just makes you happy. So all of that = happy feelings. Then realizing that that person isn't comfortable talking with you anymore, that something vital has changed and possibly forever, that you don't know when the next time you'll get this happiness again or if you ever will again, that you did something so terrible, so horrible, so unforgiveable that you won't ever get a second chance or an opportunity to fix it. In case that wasn't clear, those feelings = heartbreaking.
So there's all the down parts of this emotional rollercoaster I've been riding. Or at least the biggest ones. The steepest drops and valleys.
I've had occasional moments during which my rational side takes over and attempts to convince me that my life will be much better without him in it. I don't believe it, but it had some convincing arguments.
A good friend offered to set me up on a date with a friend of hers that she thinks I'll get along with. Initially I told her I wasn't ready, but later today I told her to go for it. Then tonight I spent some time thinking about all the other people in the world that I could potentially get along with even better than him, that will appreciate who and what I am and what I do for them, and with whom I wouldn't ever have these problems.
That was about the time my emotions took over again and reminded me again of how happy I was with Tom, especially when everything was new and wonderful. And started crying again.
I just don't know what to do. My brain is telling me to move on and get over it but my heart is convinced I still have a chance, and that I won't be able to move on or get over it without literally, physically moving away.
I hate emotions. I wish I could turn mine off with a switch. What good have they done me? Showing them gets me nothing but heartache.
So there's the explanation for the need for cuddling and the posting of the song.
Still both true.
What I wouldn't give for my life to go back to December 27, 2009 when I got a text message reminding me how wonderful I was to someone I love.
Enough of this sobfest.
Fin.
