up down up down up down

So lets start with what I've been up to physically the past few weeks.

On Friday April 16 I went home to Rochester. Spent the night not doing much but watching Finding Nemo with Sara and the parents.

Saturday was also low key, until dad and I took the boat out to Lake Zumbro. Dad caught the first fish, a very small walleye, then I caught the second (a male perch that "milked" all over me). Then I caught the third and final fish, a small rock bass. It was windy and cold and we didn't stay out too terribly long. On the drive to the lake we lost one of the boat cushions and I actually spotted it on the side of the road on the way back, which was awesome.

On Sunday the parents and I headed up to the cities. They dropped me off at work and then went to Target field to try to get Twins tickets. I had to dose some mice with their drug and then jumped on the Lightrail to meet up with the parents. By the time I got there they had managed to get tickets so we went in and watched them lose (but it was still a lot of fun).

I don't much remember what happened during the week. Other than on Wednesday night Sara and my dad came up to have Jordan fix his car. We all took the Lightrail up to Target field again and again managed to get tickets (more expensive but closer seats).

Pretty sure I did absolutely nothing over the weekend. On Friday I went to Target and bought Avatar and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. So I watched both of those, as well as Van Helsing and some movies on TV. Also on Friday I rescued a mouse from work, his name is Mal (as in Malcolm from Firefly) and so far he and Kaylee seem to be getting along. On Sunday I met Hannah at Target and then to her house and watched The Matrix.

Tuesday went to Sybylla's and helped make a delicious chocolate cake and watched Troy.

Cleaned my room in preparation for a friend coming to visit this weekend (backed out at the last minute because of illness).

Tonight I talked to some people on the phone and cried.

Which brings me to what I've been up to emotionally these past few weeks.

Maybe some of you readers have noticed that a lot of my posts here lately have been negative, expressing frustrations about my life and certain people in my life. I think part of the reason I have done that is because the negative incidences stood out so much more than all the small positive ones. But because I was so focussed on the negatives, the biggest negative of all came and ripped out my heart into bloody shreds.

Bit graphic, but I'm pretty down right now and attempting to explain why.

I let small frustrations build up and up and instead of expressing them and letting it go I took it out on Tom. I'm admitting that for the world to know because I realize finally how much I was letting small things get to me, and how poorly I was dealing with it.

On Wednesday, April 14th I cancelled plans with Sybylla and Vicki in order to go see Tom's first softball game. Things had gotten a little weird between us and I was hoping to start to remedy that by becoming more interested and accepting of his friends (that I hadn't been getting along with due to my own misjudgments). Instead, we had a serious conversation. We finally expressed our issues, and I felt a big weight of relief lift once I was done opening up and hearing him open up. And then I realized that things were much more serious than I expected. I had been waiting, seeing the storm build on the horizon, and knew a fight was brewing. What I didn't expect was how bad things appeared on his end of things. For him, things had gotten bad to the point that he didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was no longer a positive part of his life.

I couldn't belief it, didn't want to and so I didn't accept it. It didn't help that he had to run to get to his softball game. To be honest I still can't accept it. I just don't want to think that I can't get a second chance. Right, back to chronological order...

Talked again on Thursday for a very brief talk and his decision was again reiterated.

That's why I had to go home on Friday, I couldn't handle being alone in Minneapolis over the weekend.

That weekend is when I realized how shitty I'd been treating him. Since I discovered that, I managed to convince myself that he'd accept my realization and apology and take me back. I thought, foolishly perhaps, that reminding him I loved him would remind him that he loved me.

I spent so much time remember all the fun I had with Tom, how much I love talking to him, watching movies and tv, hanging out, even going out and watching him sing karaoke. Remembering how just seeing him walk into a room or in my line of sight would make me smile involuntarily.

I wanted to tell him what I discovered as soon as possible, because I missed him. He said he needed time to think, to take a break, but I was so sure that what I had to say would change his mind I couldn't wait to tell him. So I badgered him until he finally agreed to talk to me on Thursday. I left him alone then, until Thursday, and prepared my "argument." I even went so far as to write an outline. I was so convinced it was foolproof!

Obviously, from the way I've phrased the previous statements, it was not foolproof. Maybe I pressured him too much, with my needing to meet so soon, maybe his mind had been made up long before I even began to formulate my argument, maybe maybe maybe.

His decision, or verdict, or whatever was that he was better off not in a relationship. Not with me, not with anyone. I couldn't tell him how much I wanted to make it better, how much I thought I could make his life better and stop making it worse if he'd just give me a chance.

This is the most revealing emotional post I've ever made, but I feel bad crying to my friends all the time and this is just as good of an outlet with less guilt (since I'm not forcing anyone to read it).

I digress.

Heartbroken.

Right, keep going here.

I managed to leave him alone for a whole week. I was planning on having a friend come stay the weekend and attempt to not contact him for a whole two weeks. But then the friend cancelled, and I got impatient. And bored. And really, really lonely and depressed. So I asked if he wanted to hang out next week, because he said earlier that he'd like to still be friends.

I don't want to be friends, I want him. I want to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him. But I've hung out with him so much over the past 5 months that if I can't have that, I at least want some of what made my life good.

So I again pressured him, made him talk to me today after work. It made me so happy just to talk to him, and yet I could tell the whole time he was just uncomfortable and trying to get rid of me. Can you understand the intense conflict of feelings I was experiencing? On the one hand, talking to someone you are comfortable with in the extreme, that you used to spend part of every day talking to, that you still love and want to be with, that just makes you happy. So all of that = happy feelings. Then realizing that that person isn't comfortable talking with you anymore, that something vital has changed and possibly forever, that you don't know when the next time you'll get this happiness again or if you ever will again, that you did something so terrible, so horrible, so unforgiveable that you won't ever get a second chance or an opportunity to fix it. In case that wasn't clear, those feelings = heartbreaking.

So there's all the down parts of this emotional rollercoaster I've been riding. Or at least the biggest ones. The steepest drops and valleys.

I've had occasional moments during which my rational side takes over and attempts to convince me that my life will be much better without him in it. I don't believe it, but it had some convincing arguments.

A good friend offered to set me up on a date with a friend of hers that she thinks I'll get along with. Initially I told her I wasn't ready, but later today I told her to go for it. Then tonight I spent some time thinking about all the other people in the world that I could potentially get along with even better than him, that will appreciate who and what I am and what I do for them, and with whom I wouldn't ever have these problems.

That was about the time my emotions took over again and reminded me again of how happy I was with Tom, especially when everything was new and wonderful. And started crying again.

I just don't know what to do. My brain is telling me to move on and get over it but my heart is convinced I still have a chance, and that I won't be able to move on or get over it without literally, physically moving away.

I hate emotions. I wish I could turn mine off with a switch. What good have they done me? Showing them gets me nothing but heartache.

So there's the explanation for the need for cuddling and the posting of the song.

Still both true.

What I wouldn't give for my life to go back to December 27, 2009 when I got a text message reminding me how wonderful I was to someone I love.

Enough of this sobfest.

Fin.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

I liked this song when I first heard it... I didn't know it would soon become the story of my life.

Things aren't yet okay...

I just hope they will be soon

not-okay-ness

i really need a cuddle right now

frustration

This won't be a long post, just have to vent a few frustrations.

I suppose I could give a little update as well, for posterity's sake.

On Tuesday, the night that Rachel (Tom's karaoke friend) did karaoke at McMahon's usually a bunch of people (myself and Tom included) went outside McMahon's and just gathered to commiserate and sort of honor those who died there, especially Ryan the bartender. Afterwards we headed to the Cardinal where they let Rachel set up her karaoke stuff (even though she usually just does it there on Saturdays) and everyone (save myself and one other) proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated. Crazy hijinks ensued. It ended up being a very late night and then I had to get up for work early the next day to do 40 mouse cell injection surgeries (the most we'd done previously to Wednesday was 30 and even that was a lot).

So got in to work on Wednesday at 7:30 and did all those surgeries. To be honest we only did 39 because one of the mice we got was waaay too small to do surgery on (the average size was about 24 grams and this guy was only 17.5!). So we didn't do anything to that little guy and I'm considering adopting him (he's so freakin cute and tiny!). Left work a bit early on Wednesday because I was just exhausted (little sleep the night before). Went home and napped and then did a bunch of work on a "schematic" (aka drawing or figure) for work (about 3-4 hours of work).

Today (Thursday) I went to work and Katie and I did some practice surgeries on really old mice. I'm getting better at coring (getting the needle in through the knee into the marrow space in the femur - harder than it looks!). Still not great at plugging the hole with amalgam though (that's the stuff dentists use to fill cavities). After lunch then Joe informed me that all of my work on the schematic was to waste because Pat (boss) wanted a totally different style now. Yep. I wanted to curse a lot but managed to restrain myself. Sigh, so I get to start all over with that little project. I think I'll work on it this weekend if I get motivated - it's really difficult for me to work on it at work because I have to use a computer with no internet and crappy mouse. At home I have the internet (for minor distractions or to look up stuff) and my awesome stylus/tablet thing to draw with.

Tomorrow (Friday), Sybylla and Vicki are meeting me at Arby's for a night of fun. We're going to eat at Arby's, get ice cream at Dairy Queen, and then go see Sherlock Holmes at the Riverview theater. It promises to be a really fun night - I hope that's how it turns out!

That's all - the frustration is for the schematic really. That and some other minor things that just really aren't worth mentioning here.

Happy Easter

So a lot's been going on and I've been really lazy. My bad.

Last weekend (3/26-3/28) was kind of fun. On Thursday before that weekend my 2 sisters and dad went down to Florida for spring break. So mom came up to the cities on Friday. I got out of work a little bit early and mom brought Belle up. We went from the VA to the dog park at Minnehaha and Belle had a blast. She got soo dirty because the river was high and then she was rolling around in the dirt with other dogs. She also found a gigantic stick, more of a tree actually, and kept wanting to bring it to mom and I. I took some pictures on my phone while laughing hysterically. Sent them to the rest of the fam down in Florida and they sent back pics of them on the beach... unfair! Went back home, tied Belle to the end of my bed, and then went out to see Alice in Wonderland. I really liked the movie - I think the low expectations helped. When we got back Belle was loose in my room after chewing through the leash. Went to bed, after retying Belle's shorter leash to her collar.

A few hours later Belle had finished chewing through the leash again and decided to join us in bed. Instead of just curling up she wanted to play, lick our faces, bat her paws at our heads, etc. Eventually I managed to retie her again but mom and I didn't get much sleep.

Saturday morning we got up and mom took Belle on a walk. Around 10:30 we put Belle in one of Jordan's spare kennels in the basement and headed over to Chanhassen to go to see Footloose the musical/dinner theatre thing. It was a really fun show but there was a lot of sitting around and waiting and our seats had sort of a terrible angle (one set piece was waay too big) but it was still a fun show. It ran really long though and by the time we got back, poor Belle had had a big accident in her kennel. And had been laying in it (ew). So after cleaning her up we packed up and started heading down to Rochester. Thats about when mom discovered her phone was missing. After a little digging we realized she had left it at the Chanhassen dinner theatre. So we drove back and picked it up and then finally headed down to Rochester.

Once back at home mom worked on Sara's prom dress (which she's sewing) and I baked chocolate chip cookies. Fun family time.

Sunday I started going through my "box of stuff" from my school days. I managed to throw enough away to actually close the lid on the box, and that trip down memory lane was fun. Eventually I drove the red car (one Sara drives to school) back up to Minneapolis.

Spent that week driving to work and being generally lazy.

On Friday, at work I learned that a terrible thing had happened that morning. At 6am a fire started in one of the apartments above McMahons - the Irish pub that Tom's friend Rachel does karaoke at every Tuesday. The entire building was up in flames, and tragically 6 people died. One was a bartender at the bar that Tom and his friends all knew fairly well.

http://www.startribune.com/local/89764002.html?elr=KArksi8cyaiUqCP:iUiacyKU7DYaGEP7vDEh7P:DiUs

Basically, it was a horrible tragedy. So that night Tom, Rachel, and all that crowd (and I) got together at the new place Rachel just started running karaoke at. So many people showed up to commiserate, including Tom's ex-wife, Char. That was awkward in the extreme and really put me on edge the entire night. Other than the awkwardness it was pretty good.

Saturday was a lazy day, sleeping in and then going to BWW's for lunch with Tom. Eventually I packed up a bit and headed to Hannah's apartment to pick her and Commissioner Gordan (her cat) up and then drove down to Rochester. Had a good night at home doing mostly nothing but hanging out with the sisters (they got back from FL this Thursday).

Sunday got up, showered, and headed to church. Afterwards Megan, Sara, and I had to find plastic Easter eggs hidden in the house by our mom. She hid them indoors this time so we wouldn't be embarrassed by the neighbors like last year... yep. I was the last one to find all my eggs (as usual) but hey the candy inside was totally worth it. Eventually mom and Sara drove me back to Minneapolis. Spent the rest of the afternoon being bored.

Which brings me to today, boredom.

Topped off with some more boredom.

Wanted to go get some stuff at Target but it looked like it was about to rain after work so instead I just came home. And sat around doing ABSOLUTELY nothing.

Lame.

Better, but still... something...

So these past two weeks have been much better than my last post.

I think a big part of it has to do with the weather just boosting my mood with the bright, sunny, warm days we've been having.

Anywho... so last weekend my sister Megan came to visit me on Friday. I busted out of work about an hour early and met her at the Mall of America, where we wandered around lost for awhile and then ate at Noodles, then wandered around some more until we headed back to my house. All we ended up doing there was watching a couple of movies on TV (Ocean's 13 and The Bourne Identity). Went to bed, got up the next morning and I think did more nothing. We eventually went over to Target and bought some necessities and eventually she had to head back to Eau Claire. Her being here was a big morale booster as well. We didn't even do much other than chill, hang out, talk. It's just nice catching up with her for once (and yes I know you're probably reading this, happy now? :P).

Right now Kaylee is climbing all over me; she just crawled inside my sweatshirt and was hanging out in there for awhile. Which is better than trying to crawl all over the keyboard like she was before. I get the feeling I have some rat poop inside my sweatshirt now though... nope! Good rat!!

Tuesday night Tom and I went to McMahon's for his friend's karaoke show. It was actually fun, with the lack of some of his less than fun friends present. I even got a free shamrock necklace thing (ok free cheap thing with a big Guinness token on the end of it but whatever!). We went out again on Wednesday night as well (St. Patrick's Day) and again had fun. A different bar this time but same karaoke show.

Saturday was at the Cardinal (same show! same group of friends - the good set). Had a lot of fun and there was a big group of people there who were really getting into the karaoke. Some excellent singers as well.

Sunday (today) Tom and I went to see Repo Men in theaters. It was AMAZING. I mean I was sort of expecting just a lame, expected plot with lots of action and gore (the action and gore I got) but there were some excellent unexpected plot twists that just made the movie great. It was also a good insight as to how far human greed can go (and sometimes I believe it could go that far). Afterwards we went to his friend's house for a BBQ. That was kind of a bust because it just got a little too chilly outside but we all hung out inside and had a good time. Good food too - some delicious cookies! And good conversations.

Well that's a really shortened version of my last two weeks, I left out a bunch of stuff from work (big boss was in for the past two weeks, took us out to lunch on Thursday to a sushi place; wants me to work on some illustrations which is both good and bad because I'd love to but haven't been trained that way so don't know what he's expecting as far as quality goes; lots of business there and staying late), as well as some other little stuff from the week (Kaylee keeping me up late or not letting me sleep with her wheel-running; trying to make plans for this coming weekend with my mom - Chicago, Vegas, anything and it all fell through), etc. But I guess I hit on the major points.

Just put Kaylee back in her cage - she did not poop or pee on me or my desk once! Now that's a good rat!! (she definitely got a treat for it too)

That's about it I guess. Time for me to clean Kaylee's cage...

PS - I just remembered the title of my post. Basically, I am better, but still lacking some level of happiness that I feel is essential in remaining sane. Maybe the weather will help me achieve that but I'm still thinking I need a vacation badly, and not just over a weekend. I'm thinking that I might do a big Europe trip whenever I figure my life out. As in, sometime between quitting this job and moving on to whatever's next I might try to do a big roadtrip through Europe or maybe somewhere else. Like a monthlong thing. Or maybe I won't, I just feel like that would be a good time to do it, between jobs or life stages. I should have done it after graduation but I was dirt-broke. Not that I'm rolling in cash now or anything but my finances are a little more stable. Anyway, those are my thoughts on that...

What's with YOUR attitude, bitch?

I sometimes really really really wish I liked beer. I wish I liked drinking it as much as some of the people I've been hanging out with lately do. I've never wished that before now, but if I drank it would make all the ridiculous outings with these people a hundred times more enjoyable. I'd be easily less bored and probably less pissy every time I go out.

What prompts this topic? Tom's working karaoke at the Cardinal (bar) tonight and a bunch of his friends are there as well. I elected to go in later (it started at 8pm) in order to get some laundry and cleaning done. So I went in around 11pm, sat down at the table with his friends, and proceeded to be completely ignored. I'm shy and self-conscious enough as it is, but having all of my comments go unresponded to just put me in a not-having-fun mood. Then, when a known not-so-good singer went up to the stand, all of Tom's friends went outside. So that left me inside alone. I went up to talk to Tom, since he had a mini-break, and got about two words in before he walked away from me to go talk to a bunch of girls having a bachelorette party. Wtf?

Eventually the rest of the "friends" came back and sat around me at the table and two of them asked one of the bar workers for their tabs. They happened to be the two sitting to either side of me. So the bartender (for lack of a better title) then looks at me and goes, "What's with your attitude?" I was shocked. Yes, I was in a bad mood, but I generally conceal it pretty well. All kinds of potential responses came to mind, everything from accusing the fucker of ignoring me when I was desperately thirsty (for water, but whatever no one even asked when I got in) to trying to laugh it off. What I did was glare at him until he walked away. The thing is, I'm pretty sure I looked at Tom's friends after he said it and it looked like they were agreeing with him. When he walked back with their tabs he then goes "Looks like your attitude's improved already!" I was so incredibly pissed and upset, with no one talking to me other than to insult me for no reason I walked up to Tom and told him I'd pick him up when he was done.

I got in the car, and immediately tears started streaming down my face. That's when I discovered I'm probably more emotional than usual tonight (hormones??? idk) but whatever. There was no way I was staying there, bored, lonely, and having absolutely no fun. I'd rather be home cleaning than sitting there.

I can't help but think this is going to ruin things. I don't know how or why but I have this forbidding feeling that I can't get along with Tom's friends because I don't drink. Basically, I rarely associate with these people while they're not drinking and I can't be as open and uninhibited as they are because I don't drink. And so I look like the stick in the mud who won't have fun with them, just because I have a different definition of what's fun. I'd like to go out and go bowling, or skiing, or go to a movie, or play board games or cards or anything but all they do is drink. Maybe I'm overgeneralizing, but that's all I've experienced.

So now I'm back home, debating on what to do now. What do I say to Tom? Do I apologize or get mad? I want to get mad, but fear that won't help my cause at all.

On other notes, had a busy week last week. We had surgery or behavior to do every day last week except for Friday. On Friday we had a big AALAC inspection, so it was just a busy week at work.

Yesterday I noticed Kaylee was acting funny, like she had no balance. She kept rolling over and walking funny and actually wasn't very well groomed. I played with her for awhile and then totally cleaned out her cage (including hosing/soaping the aquarium), replaced all her food and water, and got her a new box and tunnel. She seems to be looking better today, definitely more groomed and less wobbly, but still a bit unbalanced. According to the internets, she might have an inner ear infection, but I'm hoping it will go away on its own.

Tomorrow I'm going to go skiing by myself. Kind of lame, but I don't have anyone to go with me and I really want to go. Not to mention my parents went to all the work of getting me my skis so I'd better use them! Hopefully they still have snow.

What I wouldn't give for a time machine...