more to follow

Going to just post a quickie here because lately I've been feeling a lot better about life and all.

Managed to not talk to, text, email, or Facebook stalk Tom for a whole 2 1/2 weeks, and it would be 3 1/2 but I did send one text that went unreplied to. My brain still defaults to him sometimes when I'm not busy using it *my brain* for other tasks but its been a lot lot LOT better. Especially after my ego boost on Saturday night, but I'll talk about that later.

This post is me being stupid again. I'm really okay, but I just saw something that twisted the knife a little and inflamed my "long" dormant emotions (long for me okay?).

Was checking out friend Liisa's Facebook profile (she's in the Caribbean on a cruise the lucky duck) and noticed Tom was one of her FB friends. And guess what his picture is? No longer the old Twins logo, now it's one of him and Jen. His new gf.

And they're officially in a relationship. So that's one more thing he'd "never do again" that he did. Such a fucking liar.

I only mention this, because it hurt like a bitch. Never in our 5 months did he change his profile pic to one of us, although I was tempted to numerous times.

So now, even though I've been getting better and it's sunny outside and my puppy is here (will explain later) I'm a little down.

I hate emotions and love and guys. They fuck up everything.

That is all.

insert interesting title here

Well another week has come and gone and what's really changed? I'm sitting here at work again with little actual work to do and so am going to spend the next 45 minutes or so updating my blog.


I did drive home on Friday and arrived just in time to eat a delicious fried fish dinner with my parents and all 3 of my grandparents. Afterwards my maternal grandma (Gramma Karen) and I took Belle to the dog park in my car. Belle was so obsessed with finding toys that she ended up bringing us a total of 10 tennis balls and one frisbee, which accumulated on the picnic table we were sitting at after we got tired of throwing them for her to fetch. It was pretty fun overall, but on the way home her muddy paws made my backseat a bit dirty.


On Saturday I went to the bank where I have my savings account and finally deposited my change jar (~$103) as well as wrote myself a check. So that finished emptying out my checking account (after the car purchase began the emptying process). But it's good because now my money will start earning interest (finally). I read a lot on Saturday (For Love of Evil by Piers Anthony and The Coelura by Anne McCaffrey) and mostly vegged out. Megan came home Saturday afternoon and we went with mom early to the college to save seats for Sara's graduation ceremony. We got there an hour early and it was already packed. Megan ended up starting and finishing an entire book (~150 pages) during the wait and the ceremony itself and I finished the McCaffrey book there. It was a long and boring ceremony, as all graduations are I'm sure. Sara was one of four people reading names so at least we got to watch her do something. Unfortunately that meant she was also the very last person to have her own name called and receive her diploma so there was no chance of skipping out early. I left right after a few quick pictures were snapped and headed back to the cities just in time for another fantastic karaoke night at the Cardinal. Only Andy and Julie were there but we made it fun, and of course there were some interesting singers.


On Sunday I spent some time recovering from Saturday and then not doing a whole lot. Pretty sure I don't actually remember at all what I did on Sunday, or Monday, or Tuesday for that matter. Other than watching Secret Life of the American Teenager and working on old seasons of LOST.


On Wednesday however I do remember what happened. First I went to Target (after work) in order to buy chip dip ingredients and could not find one of the key ones. Then I got ready for kickball. Then I went to kickball. We were playing the team that my team lost to their first game (the only game they played before I joined the team). The only team in our rotation that was undefeated. Unfortunately we didn't have our lucky mascot present because Jordan went to the Twins game so we were really nervous. We were losing 1-0 until the very last inning where we managed to score 2 runs and eventually won the game. It was awesome.


On Thursday directly after work I went up to the other Target to look for that missing ingredient. Still didn't find it but did buy a cute chips and dip container thing. So then I went to the Cub Foods right next door and finally managed to find the ingredient. Went home, made the chip dip, looked up directions to Amanda's house, and headed up there for a "Ladies Poker Night." I was the first one there so Amanda and I chatted for awhile about life, work, etc. I like her, she always manages to make me feel better about things. Finally people started arriving and we started playing Texas Hold'em or however you want to spell it. We weren't playing for real money (thank goodness) and I lost pretty quick. But we cheated and supplied me with more chips from the bank and I still managed to lose those pretty quick but didn't run out again before we all elected to stop playing. Then we foolishly started watching a scary movie (The Woods) and got about 37 minutes into it before we had to stop. Anyway, the movie was just a little too scary, and we were all getting jumpy. I didn't sleep very well last night (I wonder why?) and had a lot of dreams. Not even bad dreams though, in fact one was so wonderful I almost started crying when I woke up and discovered it had just been a dream. Another was a silly one about work and washing cells... random. So I woke up a lot last night from my overactive dreaming.


And here is where I have to stop because it's been longer than 45 minutes typing this and it's time to go to lunch! I will probably continue this this afternoon, I have to run home and pack over lunch.

Had a nice lunch, didn't really finish packing but maybe I'll bust out of here early enough to still make it home by a decent time. I'm hoping tonight I'll be able to convince a sister or two to go see Toy Story 3 with me. Not really sure what else to talk about now. Other than extreme boredom all day at work today.

jeg røvkeder mig!

That's right, I went there.

I need to go somewhere.

I think it's high time for a vacation of epic proportions!

time flies...

Sunday was lame, at least I'm pretty sure it was because I can't remember what I did (if anything).


On Monday two new people came in to work, Nate and Molly. Nate had worked in this lab about 2 years ago and Molly is the daughter of another PI here at the VA. Unfortunately, because the VA HR system is whack technically neither of them were supposed to start, but because they'd have to wait another 2 weeks to start then we decided to just get them in. Nate worked upstairs with Joe getting his animal training on the computer and I hung out with Molly in 49 (the animal building). We mostly just talked and I described her summer project (videorecording) and then we practiced using the camera on a few mice. It was nice having new people in the lab, it's a good distraction from the mundane everyday sit around and overthink things that I usually do.


After work I went over and picked up Sybylla and we went over to the Highland area in Saint Paul (just right across the river). We first went to the infamous Half Price Books, where I did in fact purchase 2 books (an Anne McCaffrey book that I'd never heard of and Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind). How much did I pay for these 2 books you ask? Less than $5. Yep, I get the feeling this store is going to be dangerous for me. It was close to me spending $80 on 4 seasons of House but I managed to resist the siren call. After that we headed over to Chipotle and ate dinner (yummy chicken tacos and chips) and then over to Petco. I looked at the rats there but they only had male ones and I'd want a female. Or two, I'm thinking 2 female rats might be better. Then dropped Sybylla off at her house and raced home to catch the season premiere of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It is my guilty pleasure and I love it. Spent the rest of the night pretending to do laundry and watching TV.


On Tuesday at work I learned that Pat wanted Nate to do the coring for the mouse cell injection surgeries we had planned. So the guy who hasn't worked here in 2 years gets to do "real" surgeries whereas I'm still only allowed to do practices on dead mice. Fair? Nope. Make any sense? Nope. So Tuesday was spent using our old mice from who knows when to let Nate do some practices before we did real surgeries on Wednesday and Thursday. In the afternoon I escorted Molly upstairs for her to do her animal training and then I spent most of that time messing around on the internet reading MSN news stories. At the end of the day (~4pm) Joe asked me if I would take out all 49 individually housed mice and check for limping. I was so mad! Here I'd been sitting around all afternoon waiting for something to do (and yes even asking if there was anything I could do) and he waits until the end to give me a project that would take about 2 hours to do. Not to mention it would be pretty pointless... but I digress. I respectfully declined.


After work I went home and did some more laundry. I also attempted to clean my room a little and made a delicious dinner of a scrambled egg, cheese, and bagel sandwich. This is when I learned I had hardly any food left. Later my friend Nathan came over and we went for a walk and then watched Zombieland. I like that movie, it's pretty hilarious.


On Wednesday we did cell injection surgeries all morning and for a good part of the afternoon. It's weird doing it with 4 people now instead of just Katie and I, there was a lot more down time and I kept letting my mind wander. Never a good idea (at least never since April 14).


After work I went grocery shopping. Bought probably way more stuff than I need but hopefully I'll start making my lunch again (like sandwiches as opposed to the Easy Mac I've been packing nearly every day). Brought it home and then did more laundry (it sounds like I was doing laundry a lot but really I just kept switching it once and then forgetting it for a full day so it's just been a long drawn out process). Then I got ready for and went to kickball. Our favorite crazy rules lady umpire was back and it was a pretty close game for awhile. We were winning 2-1, then winning 4-1, then winning 4-3, and then our team kicked it into gear and scored 6 runs in one inning. So the final score was 10-3. I didn't do so great, but I did manage to get all the way to third in one of the innings. Jordan was stuck on the sidelines in the camel costume, but I think he had fun as well.


Thursday at work was pretty much literally a repeat of Wednesday, so I won't bother talking about it. After work however the fun started. First, my mom called me at work to let me know she was driving up to the cities that afternoon to pick up my paternal grandparents from the airport (they flew in from where they live in Florida). She wasn't sure she'd have enough room in her VW Beetle so she wanted to swap cars with me, which I thought was awesome. Anyway, after work I went home and showered and started making a taco ring. I was going to the infamous potluck that I'd heard so much about when Alaina and Amanda were still working at the VA (Alaina's potluck stories were lunchtime favorites). It was getting late and I was wondering when my mom would show up when she finally did with grandparents in tow. They got to see my messy house, meet my roommate, and see my car. But it turns out they managed to fit everything in the Beetle so they didn't need to swap. They headed down to Rochester and then I packed up the taco ring and headed to Alaina's. I got a little lost but ended up being early anyway, only the famous "frenemy" was there with Alaina and her boyfriend. I then had to help give Amanda directions as the party filled up. Lots of people were there, and it was a little intense but really fun. The taco ring disappeared rather quickly (yay taco ring) and it was just great to get out, meet new people, and of course hang out with the A-team. I miss them!!!


Today work was pretty slow. I helped Molly with her videorecording stuff and then had a meeting about people installing a fire alarm system in the building. All 6 of us went out to lunch which was nice and then spent the afternoon looking at cells etc.


Unfortunately on my way home I sort of ran into Tom... which means that I got home and my hands were shaking uncontrollably. It also doesn't help that today happens to be the 11th again... hence the title of this post.

Time flies when you're having fun, it also happens to fly when all you want to do is slow it down or go back and relive the past.


Blah.


Well now I'm about to head down to Rochester for Sara's graduation, hopefully that will be fun.

And in other news...

Drove to Eau Claire today and had an awesome day hanging out with Megan.

Was a pretty simple drive for the most part - a bit of rain but nothing major. Amazingly the cities' radio stations lasted almost all the way there.

Got there and got the tour of her new apartment. It's pretty nice, although her room is a bit tiny. Luckily her closet is huge so she'll have plenty of storage room to fit what doesn't really fit in her room. After the tour and a bit of hanging around we drove over to the mall there. We first went to find her some black shorts for work and then I became a Barbie doll for her. Basically she picked out clothes she liked for me and I tried them on and then, depending on the clothes, purchased them. It was good though because I desperately need clothes that fit... the vast majority of my clothes (especially pants) no longer stay on. We ate in the food court, wandered around a bit more, then went back to her place. Once there we rearranged her room to try to give her some more space. Then we settled down on the futon and watched Happy Feet/took a nap. I met her summer roommate Aaron who watched most of the movie with us and then near the end a bunch of his friends came over and woke us from our nap. After the movie Megan and I went to pick up Kory and Jake (Megan's boyfriend and their other friend) and went to Dairy Queen. Sat there and ate and chatted and then went back to Megan's. Then I got back in the car and started the drive back to Minneapolis.

So that was my Saturday, now I'll backtrack and talk about Friday.

Recall the last paragraph from my June 1st post.

On Friday I clutched that stem until my hand was ripped to shreds and then finally dropped it.

Not just dropped it, buried it.

I can't promise I won't try to find it and dig it back up, but this is the closest I've come to cutting myself off.

We'll just have to see how well that works.

Bad few days

June, and really the end of May, has sucked.

A lot.

Well if I'm being fair, the middle of April until now has sucked a lot, but the past few days have been a bit more brutal than normal.

After work on Tuesday, well much later, I went and picked Hannah up from her house and we drove over to Cub to buy movie treats. Then we went to see Hot Tub Time Machine at the Riverview. It was kind of hilarious, mostly because the other people in the theater found it kind of hilarious. Drove Hannah home, drove myself home, and then badness. I mentioned Kaylee had been acting weird in my last post, well I got home and went upstairs to find her dead, curled up in her Kleenex box. At this point it was nearly midnight (the movie started at 9:30) and I became extremely upset. Unfortunately for me, the only person I really wanted to talk to is one of the only people who no longer wants to talk to me. And so I put New Moon into the DVD player and watched it/cried myself to sleep.

On Wednesday I went to work. After spending an hour/two in the afternoon doing very little, about 10 minutes before I was supposed to leave I got something to do. Sybylla and I had made plans to go get me some DQ after work/before kickball in the attempts of lifting my spirits, but this new project I was given made me stay 30 minutes late. Finally, feeling guilty for leaving, I made the executive decision to head out. Got there, ate a delicious Blizzard and talked to Sybylla for about a half hour, and then had to ditch her to get home, change for kickball, and then go to kickball. At kickball, we played this team that had an insane pitcher. He was whipping balls really fast and bouncy so finally we stopped kicking and made the umpire call walks. That just ticked off the pitcher so much that when I was running from first to second and Jordan was running to first he whipped the ball at Jordan's legs to get him out (instead of just throwing it to the person on first base). I didn't see it, but apparently it tripped him up and he went head over heels, landing hard on his shoulder. It swelled up and Jordan actually had to leave early in order to go home and ice it. Our team was behind by about 7 runs, and eventually managed to catch up and tie with them by the last inning. We went into overtime and pulled off another miraculous win. Afterwards, we just sat in the grass and chatted for awhile. Went home and discovered Jordan was much worse off than I had expected. Got him some ibuprofen and then two of his friends came and brought him food. His arm/shoulder was pretty much immobile. It was so bad that getting up or attempting to take off his shirt made him nearly pass out with pain. So much of last night was spent trying to make him feel more comfortable and helping him switch out ice packs etc.

I mentioned on Tuesday's early post that Harley threw up. Well since then he's had diarrhea, thrown up more in the house, chewed up a wooden sill in attempts to get outside, and been to the vet a few times. Yesterday he also threw up blood. Luckily last night and this morning he's been acting fine, so whatever it was may have passed. But still, it has been a bad few days for things in my house.

I feel like something must have happened this weekend. Something bad. At least for me. The few friends I've made since moving to Minneapolis have seemed to abandon me. Maybe I'm just overreacting, but suddenly my texts go unresponded to and plans made just fall through. I feel like I'm back in middle school and I did something (unknown to me) to piss everyone off so they're just ignoring me for it.

Hey June

I can't believe it's already June. I'd like to say I've been neglecting to update because I already had more posts than were necessary in May, but in reality I've just been avoiding it.

I'm finding it hard to draw the line between just chatting about my life and having a complete emotional release via this blog and so I just avoided the temptation altogether.

Because sadly enough, ladies and gentlemen, I'm still not great.

Let's get the non-emotional stuff sorted first so those who don't want to deal with it can just stop reading at a certain point and move on.

Basically, I've been doing everything I can to fill up my days with things to do. It's been really difficult at work because there's so little to do and I have zero motivation to do the mundane things that could be done but don't really need to be. So I spend a lot of time at work hiding in bathrooms or just sitting around thinking. All the thinking is dangerous for me, because it generally makes me sad, but I digress.

After work starts the desperate need to DO something, anything. Kickball helps, but doesn't last nearly long enough. So far, since I've been on the team we've won every single game. Just this past week we played in costumes (pirate for me of course) because the other team's uniform was also orange. We were down 1-0 until about the second to last inning when I managed to kick Jordan in to score. Then we went into overtime and ended up winning. It seemed like mostly luck because the team we played against was all athletic-looking and slightly more serious than we were.

Beyond kickball, I just pester and annoy people to do things with me, or give up go home and mope in my room all night. That and of course going home on many random weekends in the hopes that being in Rochester with my family will distract me enough to stop thinking. It sometimes works, at least moreso than being in Minneapolis.

About 2 weeks ago I started the big push to buy a car. I mean I always absent mindedly checked craigslist for cars but never really got serious until about 2 weeks ago. I had friends, Jordan, and parents all looking for me and eventually my parents found a few that they test drove for me and seemed to like. It eventually led to the purchase of my new baby, a white 2005 Hyundai Elantra. The woman I bought it from however was slightly crazy. I went down on Friday afternoon (not 3 days ago but the Friday before) and was going to test drive it and then buy it from the lady. So mom and I went down and waited for her to get out of work. She said be there by 4 so we'd have plenty of time to hit the license center to sign the title over afterwards (it closed at 5:30). So we were there a little early. She didn't come out until like 4:45 (although she did call and let us know she was running late). So then I drove it pretty much around the block, decided it was good enough (was seriously desperate for a car by now) and just said let's do it. So all she really needed to do was sign the form and then mom and I could take it to the license center and figure it out from there but she insisted on coming with and then insisted we go to the license center that was not on the way home but in the opposite direction. We got there and then discovered it was already closed so then we had to turn around and drive all the way back to the one mom and I originally wanted to go to. During all this driving, mom followed in her rented car (the bug was in the shop) and the lady rode with me - in the back seat for most of it! Weirdness. Anyway so we got to the license center around 5:05 and started getting it signed over when the woman behind the counter informed us that the car lady needed to take care of the lean agreement before she could sign the car over (which makes sense, she needed to finish paying off the car before she sold it... duh?). For some reason that had never occurred to the lady that she'd have to do before selling the car. So then I had to speed drive her to her bank (up by my house coincidentally), wait for the slow teller to figure out what it was we needed her to do, and then speed drive back to the license center. Got into the parking lot and an old woman was trying to park her car and backed out unexpectedly and was literally inches away from hitting me. A good sign, nearly getting hit moments before purchasing the car. Ran into the license center at about 5:28 - mom had stayed behind to hold down the fort I guess and make sure they stayed open. Finally got the title signed over, paid the taxes and the updated tags for the plates, and drove home. In my car. It's so nice to say I finally have a car!

I ended up staying overnight on Friday and then driving myself back up to Minneapolis on Saturday afternoon, on my own schedule and at my own pace. It was wonderful. Don't quite remember what I did the rest of that weekend, other than drive anywhere I wanted to whenever I wanted to.

Last week I drove in to work every day. It was pretty lame, and I said I'd just give myself one week of doing it, but then I drove again today because I was running behind (Harley was whining so I let him out and he threw up and then didn't want to come back inside). But that's getting ahead of myself of course.

Then again, I already said what happened this Wednesday (costumed kickball in case you forgot) so the chronology of this post is way off anyway.

Saw some movies (Iron Man 2 and Robin Hood), read some books (I should say re-read for the most part), watered Sybylla's plants this week (she was down in Kansas for a wedding), drove myself to Target, burned some CDs for my car (which reminds me, I need to make more), and overall accomplished very little other than spending lots of money (buying a car does that). Had plans fall through a lot this long weekend, which made it seem very long indeed.

Still haven't decided if I prefer the weekends or the week nowadays. I like the whole sleeping in thing for the weekends, but it also tends to leave me with more downtime to think, which as I've already mentioned can be quite dangerous.

This weekend I did go to a wedding on Saturday, knowing neither the bride nor the groom but enjoying the free food.

I think that's enough of my outside life, time to delve into the maelstrom of deeper thoughts and feelings. So feel free to tune out now.

I have done a much better job of acting okay lately. And sometimes I do it so well I even convince myself that I'm okay. And maybe I am okay. I'm certainly eating again (possibly overeating in fact which is a mite worrisome), I might be sleeping better although my dreams are becoming more frequent, and I don't spend every minute of the day thinking about certain things. What it feels like, in fact, is a wound that's healing. Like I got stabbed, and at first the pain was unbearable and I was screaming and writhing in pain with nothing able to stop it or distract me from it. Now, it's more like a gaping, nasty wound that looks terrible and throbs and hurts when I look at it or think about it but I can be more numb to it, even forget about it for brief moments.

Every once in awhile though, the pain rushes back, crippling me, and I can't help crawling into bed and crying into my pillow. Assuming I'm home that is, otherwise I have to find a bathroom somewhere. That's less than fun.

Sometimes in the morning I wake up and don't believe it's happened. I think that it was just a bad dream surely and things are the way they should be again, but obviously that's never the case.

I feel bad whining about it so much, so I've tried to stop. And really, like I've described, things are getting better, I think. Or at least different. I have a car now and more experience with alcohol (and no I'm not a stinking alcoholic I just don't run and hide from it like I used to and happen to be a lightweight). My outlook on a lot of things has changed and I feel more like the person I always thought I was but was too shy to discover. I don't think I'm entirely there yet, but I'm making progress (if this doesn't make sense I understand, but it makes sense in my brain). I haven't gone so far as to dye my hair (was on the list) or get a tattoo (also on the list) but maybe I will soon. Summer is always a good time to reinvent yourself.

I also want to move out of Jordan's house. Not that he's not a great roommate, I just don't know that I feel comfortable there anymore. There's always the overwhelming feeling that it's his house. Which it is, but I want to try an apartment or somewhere that I feel I'm an equal participant or whatever. Where I don't have to feel guilty that I left out some pizza boxes overnight. Where no one is bothered by rodent smells.

Speaking of which, Mal is back at work, living with some other mice sneakily until he's discovered. Kaylee is not doing so well, and I'm not sure if it's because she's lonely or just sick. She got another ear infection (I assume) because she was all loopy and unbalanced and then one morning I woke up to her squeaking because she had gotten her leg trapped around the wheel. I had to take it apart to get her out and now she's seriously limping on that leg and I'm afraid she may have broken it. I was going to take her into work to xray it but she's been so unbalanced and pathetic looking I'm afraid that if I put her out to get xrayed she might not wake back up. So I moved her water to the lower level and make sure she has plenty of food and cleaned out her cage an extra time, but I'm not sure what else to do for her. I thought about finding a pet store and getting another female rat for her to live with but I'm afraid that the other would just get sick as well. I'm not sure if stress is contributing to her illness or anything. Right now I'm just letting whatever is going to happen happen, but I really don't want her to die. It would sort of fall in with the rest of the luck I've been having lately, but I'm dreading it.

I can't believe how long it's been. How long I've been living like this, throwing myself into outside activities but still in pain. Time seems unreal. Part of me wants to just pack everything I can fit into my car and just drive away. Empty out my bank accounts and just drive as far as I can make it, and start a new life. But of course I have no balls, otherwise I'd be living in Australia right now.

I can't believe how long I've worked here with just Katie and Joe. I can't believe how long it's been since I had real genuine fun with Tom (because looking back honestly I know it's been longer than since he broke up with me). I can't believe how long it's been since I was honest to goodness happy with my life.

Right now I'm settling. I'm settling for having a job that pays the bills and living somewhere close to work because of that reason only (and the month to month lease is nice too). I need to grow up. I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life and get out there and do it. I need to find a job that doesn't remind me every day of what I lost and find a place to live that doesn't remind me every night of what I lost.

I need to move on, but I don't want to. It's like I had a rose, but the flower died and all I'm left with is the thorny stem. I should just throw it away and move on, but instead I hold onto it, and occasionally clutch it tight, digging the thorns into my hand, just to remind me of the beauty of the rose that was.