Hey June

I can't believe it's already June. I'd like to say I've been neglecting to update because I already had more posts than were necessary in May, but in reality I've just been avoiding it.

I'm finding it hard to draw the line between just chatting about my life and having a complete emotional release via this blog and so I just avoided the temptation altogether.

Because sadly enough, ladies and gentlemen, I'm still not great.

Let's get the non-emotional stuff sorted first so those who don't want to deal with it can just stop reading at a certain point and move on.

Basically, I've been doing everything I can to fill up my days with things to do. It's been really difficult at work because there's so little to do and I have zero motivation to do the mundane things that could be done but don't really need to be. So I spend a lot of time at work hiding in bathrooms or just sitting around thinking. All the thinking is dangerous for me, because it generally makes me sad, but I digress.

After work starts the desperate need to DO something, anything. Kickball helps, but doesn't last nearly long enough. So far, since I've been on the team we've won every single game. Just this past week we played in costumes (pirate for me of course) because the other team's uniform was also orange. We were down 1-0 until about the second to last inning when I managed to kick Jordan in to score. Then we went into overtime and ended up winning. It seemed like mostly luck because the team we played against was all athletic-looking and slightly more serious than we were.

Beyond kickball, I just pester and annoy people to do things with me, or give up go home and mope in my room all night. That and of course going home on many random weekends in the hopes that being in Rochester with my family will distract me enough to stop thinking. It sometimes works, at least moreso than being in Minneapolis.

About 2 weeks ago I started the big push to buy a car. I mean I always absent mindedly checked craigslist for cars but never really got serious until about 2 weeks ago. I had friends, Jordan, and parents all looking for me and eventually my parents found a few that they test drove for me and seemed to like. It eventually led to the purchase of my new baby, a white 2005 Hyundai Elantra. The woman I bought it from however was slightly crazy. I went down on Friday afternoon (not 3 days ago but the Friday before) and was going to test drive it and then buy it from the lady. So mom and I went down and waited for her to get out of work. She said be there by 4 so we'd have plenty of time to hit the license center to sign the title over afterwards (it closed at 5:30). So we were there a little early. She didn't come out until like 4:45 (although she did call and let us know she was running late). So then I drove it pretty much around the block, decided it was good enough (was seriously desperate for a car by now) and just said let's do it. So all she really needed to do was sign the form and then mom and I could take it to the license center and figure it out from there but she insisted on coming with and then insisted we go to the license center that was not on the way home but in the opposite direction. We got there and then discovered it was already closed so then we had to turn around and drive all the way back to the one mom and I originally wanted to go to. During all this driving, mom followed in her rented car (the bug was in the shop) and the lady rode with me - in the back seat for most of it! Weirdness. Anyway so we got to the license center around 5:05 and started getting it signed over when the woman behind the counter informed us that the car lady needed to take care of the lean agreement before she could sign the car over (which makes sense, she needed to finish paying off the car before she sold it... duh?). For some reason that had never occurred to the lady that she'd have to do before selling the car. So then I had to speed drive her to her bank (up by my house coincidentally), wait for the slow teller to figure out what it was we needed her to do, and then speed drive back to the license center. Got into the parking lot and an old woman was trying to park her car and backed out unexpectedly and was literally inches away from hitting me. A good sign, nearly getting hit moments before purchasing the car. Ran into the license center at about 5:28 - mom had stayed behind to hold down the fort I guess and make sure they stayed open. Finally got the title signed over, paid the taxes and the updated tags for the plates, and drove home. In my car. It's so nice to say I finally have a car!

I ended up staying overnight on Friday and then driving myself back up to Minneapolis on Saturday afternoon, on my own schedule and at my own pace. It was wonderful. Don't quite remember what I did the rest of that weekend, other than drive anywhere I wanted to whenever I wanted to.

Last week I drove in to work every day. It was pretty lame, and I said I'd just give myself one week of doing it, but then I drove again today because I was running behind (Harley was whining so I let him out and he threw up and then didn't want to come back inside). But that's getting ahead of myself of course.

Then again, I already said what happened this Wednesday (costumed kickball in case you forgot) so the chronology of this post is way off anyway.

Saw some movies (Iron Man 2 and Robin Hood), read some books (I should say re-read for the most part), watered Sybylla's plants this week (she was down in Kansas for a wedding), drove myself to Target, burned some CDs for my car (which reminds me, I need to make more), and overall accomplished very little other than spending lots of money (buying a car does that). Had plans fall through a lot this long weekend, which made it seem very long indeed.

Still haven't decided if I prefer the weekends or the week nowadays. I like the whole sleeping in thing for the weekends, but it also tends to leave me with more downtime to think, which as I've already mentioned can be quite dangerous.

This weekend I did go to a wedding on Saturday, knowing neither the bride nor the groom but enjoying the free food.

I think that's enough of my outside life, time to delve into the maelstrom of deeper thoughts and feelings. So feel free to tune out now.

I have done a much better job of acting okay lately. And sometimes I do it so well I even convince myself that I'm okay. And maybe I am okay. I'm certainly eating again (possibly overeating in fact which is a mite worrisome), I might be sleeping better although my dreams are becoming more frequent, and I don't spend every minute of the day thinking about certain things. What it feels like, in fact, is a wound that's healing. Like I got stabbed, and at first the pain was unbearable and I was screaming and writhing in pain with nothing able to stop it or distract me from it. Now, it's more like a gaping, nasty wound that looks terrible and throbs and hurts when I look at it or think about it but I can be more numb to it, even forget about it for brief moments.

Every once in awhile though, the pain rushes back, crippling me, and I can't help crawling into bed and crying into my pillow. Assuming I'm home that is, otherwise I have to find a bathroom somewhere. That's less than fun.

Sometimes in the morning I wake up and don't believe it's happened. I think that it was just a bad dream surely and things are the way they should be again, but obviously that's never the case.

I feel bad whining about it so much, so I've tried to stop. And really, like I've described, things are getting better, I think. Or at least different. I have a car now and more experience with alcohol (and no I'm not a stinking alcoholic I just don't run and hide from it like I used to and happen to be a lightweight). My outlook on a lot of things has changed and I feel more like the person I always thought I was but was too shy to discover. I don't think I'm entirely there yet, but I'm making progress (if this doesn't make sense I understand, but it makes sense in my brain). I haven't gone so far as to dye my hair (was on the list) or get a tattoo (also on the list) but maybe I will soon. Summer is always a good time to reinvent yourself.

I also want to move out of Jordan's house. Not that he's not a great roommate, I just don't know that I feel comfortable there anymore. There's always the overwhelming feeling that it's his house. Which it is, but I want to try an apartment or somewhere that I feel I'm an equal participant or whatever. Where I don't have to feel guilty that I left out some pizza boxes overnight. Where no one is bothered by rodent smells.

Speaking of which, Mal is back at work, living with some other mice sneakily until he's discovered. Kaylee is not doing so well, and I'm not sure if it's because she's lonely or just sick. She got another ear infection (I assume) because she was all loopy and unbalanced and then one morning I woke up to her squeaking because she had gotten her leg trapped around the wheel. I had to take it apart to get her out and now she's seriously limping on that leg and I'm afraid she may have broken it. I was going to take her into work to xray it but she's been so unbalanced and pathetic looking I'm afraid that if I put her out to get xrayed she might not wake back up. So I moved her water to the lower level and make sure she has plenty of food and cleaned out her cage an extra time, but I'm not sure what else to do for her. I thought about finding a pet store and getting another female rat for her to live with but I'm afraid that the other would just get sick as well. I'm not sure if stress is contributing to her illness or anything. Right now I'm just letting whatever is going to happen happen, but I really don't want her to die. It would sort of fall in with the rest of the luck I've been having lately, but I'm dreading it.

I can't believe how long it's been. How long I've been living like this, throwing myself into outside activities but still in pain. Time seems unreal. Part of me wants to just pack everything I can fit into my car and just drive away. Empty out my bank accounts and just drive as far as I can make it, and start a new life. But of course I have no balls, otherwise I'd be living in Australia right now.

I can't believe how long I've worked here with just Katie and Joe. I can't believe how long it's been since I had real genuine fun with Tom (because looking back honestly I know it's been longer than since he broke up with me). I can't believe how long it's been since I was honest to goodness happy with my life.

Right now I'm settling. I'm settling for having a job that pays the bills and living somewhere close to work because of that reason only (and the month to month lease is nice too). I need to grow up. I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life and get out there and do it. I need to find a job that doesn't remind me every day of what I lost and find a place to live that doesn't remind me every night of what I lost.

I need to move on, but I don't want to. It's like I had a rose, but the flower died and all I'm left with is the thorny stem. I should just throw it away and move on, but instead I hold onto it, and occasionally clutch it tight, digging the thorns into my hand, just to remind me of the beauty of the rose that was.