There's a music video at the end of this post. Okay the video is weird, but focus on the music and the lyrics. At least most of the lyrics, some are strangely unrelated.
Despite how the lyrics go, and the fact that part of me is still, like this morning, aching to get things "back to good" a bigger part of me has found acceptance (yet again). Of course this could just be me going through another high (I did work out again tonight) but I'll take it while I can get it.
Work today was less than thrilling, the most exciting thing we did was xray the cognition/fracture mice that are still around for unknown reasons.
After work, I was supposed to go to Minnehaha Falls with Sybylla and Vicki, but we had to reschedule due to the rain and freezing cold. So I was getting really down and depressed (see previous post) and was wandering around Facebook when I started chatting with Amanda (former coworker at the VA). And she totally understood what I was going through and offered to meet me after work so we could hang out and chat. I gladly accepted and so after work we met at the Cardinal (after she got a bit lost on the way). We ate food (mini corn dogs and nachos) and had a beer or two (I had 1 thanks) and chatted about all sorts of things.
Ok, let's be honest, I chatted about my feelings and about the shit that's fucked up in my life and why Tom was treating me like a big pile of dog shit. Because he is. Because you don't care for someone, say you need a break but you won't be seeing anyone, and then turn around and start dating someone else. Even if you wanted to start dating someone, if you respected the person who's heart you just broke, you would wait until, I don't know, at least a month had passed. Not a week or two. And she understood that rationally I know I should hate him, but I don't. She understood that I'm still at the stage where I would do anything, anything, to have him back, even after the bullshit. She's the only person so far that gets it, and it was such a relief to be able to talk to someone about it. Everyone else has tried to speak only to my rational side, trying to convince my emotional side that it should just shut up and go hide in a corner, she's the only one who really knew what I was going through and that it was just going to take some time to move on.
Okay so I'm like singing her praises here, it's not that the rest of the people I've talked to don't care or haven't helped, it's just none of them have been in a similar situation. That experience, coming from someone else, was just really helpful.
After that I had her drop me off at the VA and then I grabbed my stuff and went to the employee fitness center and again took out frustrations on the exercise equipment while watching the Twins game. It sucked because sometime between leaving the Cardinal and arriving at the VA they went from winning 1-0 to losing 1-5, and never managed to recover (they scored one more run but lost 2-5).
After that I rode my bike home (I had the lights on and the streets are well lit!) and came upstairs and started writing in here (the song from the video was the last one that played on my MP3 player and just felt really right).
Mid writing, I discovered something. I am feeling the pains of a broken heart, and the even sharper pains of realizing that the one who broke it neither misses me nor cares about what they did. That wasn't the entire realization, the rest was that this is so new and painful to me because I've always been lucky enough to be on the breaking side of things rather than the broken. I mean I've felt like my heart was broken, felt pain even if I was doing the breaking, but never really truly understood it until now. It is a horrible realization to discover that the one you love doesn't feel that way about you anymore, and if you're the one who no longer feels that bond you don't realize how strong it remains in the other person. I guess I just assumed that, with time, their bond would lessen as mine had and they would move on and become whole again.
Sometimes I'm sure that's how it works.
But not always.
I hope that's not me, for my own sake. I guess I'm a selfish creature at heart, I want my life back to how it was because I see now how much better it was. I don't really care if he's happier without me, because my mind can't fathom how it could be so. If I really cared about him, the way some people cared about me, I would want him to be happy even if it wasn't with me.
Maybe someday I'll get to that point, it's just too soon.
Much much too soon.
So for all you avid readers out there I hope you enjoyed my latest realization, I'm still in a phase but it will pass eventually (if I'm lucky).
2 comments:
Or... some have probably been in the situation more than a couple of times and are jaded.
I totally understand where you're coming from... I get the emotional side being so wrapped up and really wanting to get things back to happier times. But, I've also been there a few times and it's changed me.
It's complicated to explain. I'm one of those people that listens well and likes to make things feel better - but it's difficult when you're not face to face.
I hope you feel better soon.
Kat, I get it and I've been in the same situation.
You remember me coming into your room after seeing You-Know-Who with his new girlie, right? And that was a couple of years after the breakup. It's hard, and I understand. It doesn't matter how the relationship dissolves; it still hurts. Sometimes I still get pangs of grief over that lost relationship, even though just this month I was reminded why it would never have worked out.
I'm with you, and I'm here for you through this and anything going on in your life.
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