Dude I'm looking at an MSN ad for "TomKat's sexy dance" apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did some sort of benefit dance...
Weird because I used to be half of "TomKat".
So after my post last night etc I was planning on going out tonight (actually been planning to for awhile now but yea). So I was all in a down mood because I knew Tom was going out too (to the same place course) and after yesterday's fiasco and then my sudden cutoff I just was not looking forward to seeing the fucker.
But then, after work, something very unexpected happened.
The fucker called me. And I didn't know who it was cuz I deleted his contact info so it just popped up with the number lol. He hasn't called me in forever, except for the one time when he called me back cuz he accidently hung up on me.
He wanted to tell me that he finally decided on a good reason for dumping me (since he obviously wasn't telling the truth about not wanting to be seeing anyone etc). It is because he thinks we have no future, that my life is going in a different direction, and that it would be easier to end it now than in 6 months so thats why he did it.
Meantime I was thinking, wtf? Did you finally come up with an excuse that won't backfire on you? And if that was really the reason then why didn't we just talk about it and come to some sort of mutual decision instead of you just making assumptions and concluding stuff on your own?
Not really sure how I actually responded.
Think I was mostly just incredulous.
Then we talked for awhile after, and the weirdest thing was that it wasn't weird. It was just us talking, about random shit and even about some of the drama, but I was finally rational and not letting my emotions rule my actions and so it was a nice conversation.
Eventually he had to hang up, and then I was left feeling... weird. I had come to a decision right, but then he threw me a curve ball and now all I wanted to do was talk about his new reason for having dumped me and why it was a stupid reason and why we should give it another try. Which was in complete conflict with my firm resolve to just get over the asshole because he's not worth the shit I've been through the past 3 weeks. He had said we could finish the conversation tonight, because we were both going out, but I still didn't know what conversation with him I wanted to have.
He didn't see a future with me because he saw me leaving and wanted to dump me now before I dumped him later. That's what I got from what he told me. Of course this is his what, 3rd? reason for dumping me so even though I believe him part of me wonders if I should.
I'm still confused. It doesn't matter what I say or do anymore, it's clear he doesn't want me back, but I still want to convince him he was wrong. That if that is his real reason, he was a fool. I never hid the fact that I wanted something more in my life, that I wanted to get out and travel and maybe even move somewhere warmer. But I said that same thing when I was looking at colleges and ended up in St. Peter, MN (love GAC but it wasn't quite the school in FL I was looking at for awhile).
All my actual future plans revolved around him. Pathetic yes, but he made me happy and that's all I care about right now. I just want to be happy with my life. He always told me to not plan my career or my life around him and really I didn't but when balancing out the good and the bad with my job and my life in Minneapolis, the good of being with Tom outweighed any of the bad weird situation with my coworkers and the freezing cold MN weather. Obviously I didn't do a very good job showing that.
My future plans involved watching him play softball this summer, going to see some Twins games at Target Field with him, helping him tear down the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper and paint the room, even moving in with him in either a house or an apartment. I told him I had to wait until we'd been together at least 6 months before we did and that was my plan... to talk to him about it after 6 months...
Still not sure what I'm thinking right now. I'm not super emotional which is good, but I just don't know what to think.
There's still this big gaping hole that's begging me to do whatever it takes to win him back, even though I have no idea what that could possibly be.
Anyway, back to my life. Went out tonight with Liisa and we totally got to the bar at least an hour before karaoke was supposed to start and like 2 hours before most of the people we knew showed up (other than Rachael of course). So we got a big booth next to the stage (we figured as people came they could pile into the booth) and then ordered some nachos and waited for the party to start.
Rachael arrived and got busy setting up and we talked to some of her friends. Then at some point I noticed some familiar looking faces at a table across the bar - Lori and some other people I'd seen around. Then Tom and his new roommate Carlos walked in. And headed straight for Lori's table. Feelings of isolation crept in and so Liisa and I moved to a smaller booth next to their table and were still completely ignored. I had already nursed one beer down and so then I ordered another and Liisa timed me to see how fast I could chug it (57 seconds woot). Then I was feeling better and so just walked up to the table and started chatting with Tom, Carlos, and Lori. Eventually Tom and I went out to get my stuff out of his car and put it in Liisa's.
I was definitely tipsy at this point, and thought it was the perfect opportunity to talk to Tom about his newfound "reason" and of course why it was complete BS and couldn't he see how happy he'd be with me again? I think he saw it coming though (hell I can't keep a secret when I'm sober much less intoxicated). So he managed to evade my prying questions and keep focussed on the task at hand.
I went back to my booth and he back to his table and I felt lonely again. Liisa was busy texting people and Matt the Cowboy wanted to tell me all about his baby mama drama but all I wanted to do was talk to Tom. So instead I waited for drinks to drop in price (happy hour?) and then had another beer.
Liisa wanted to get outside for some fresh air so I went with her just as Tom went up to sing his song (it wasn't planned but how fortuitous). <-- I just used "fortuitous" in a sentence while intoxicated. I totally rock.
So we were hanging out outside by the fireplace when Liisa nudges me and goes "Tom's looking for you." And I looked and in fact Tom was poking his head out of the front door and then turned, went back in, and came out onto the patio where we were. Granted he just borrowed a cig from Liisa and that's probably all he wanted but it again made me happy. Like when he called me. Unexpected little happy shots. And we all chatted outside for awhile until I had to go to the bathroom too badly to wait any longer.
I might be mixing up the timeline of events here, because I'm pretty sure the patio scene happened after I chugged the 2nd beer (57 seconds! still proud of that time), but whatever, it doesn't matter.
I spent a good bit of the night chatting with Carlos (he's pretty cool) and "sexy" (I gave her the sexy title on Saturday) Lori (also pretty cool but I think she'd rather avoid me). Went back to Liisa at some point, but was kind of zoned by then and didn't really focus on much. Went back up to Tom's table because he and Carlos were about to head out and tried to convince them to stay longer.
Eventually they left though, but not before I finally got back the hat Tom had given me (and then took back). My aquarium full of stuff is sitting on my floor, I'm going to have to ask Tom about the McD's coke glass (he broke one of mine and offered to give me his instead, at the time I said don't worry about it because I was still operating under the assumption that we'd be moving in together and so it wouldn't matter if I had it or he did, but I sort of want it now since I have so few big glasses).
I'm really tired right now. I didn't end up singing any karaoke tonight, but I'm guessing it will happen sooner rather than later!
My conclusion for the night is that I still like Tom. Well okay I still love Tom. And I still want him back. But if I can't then I'll be okay. I would be happier with, but I can deal without.
I still think if we tried again it would make me and him both happier people. And I still think that if we tried and it failed again at least I would know why and not be so caught up with all the nonessential and unreal and unbelievable reasons for why what happened happened. I think I could handle it better, knowing that at least I did my best and it wasn't meant to be.
It still feels unfinished, because I still feel that the 2nd try is warranted. That we deserve a 2nd try.
But I probably just need to face reality and move on.
It's hard to come to a conclusion when you're own self is so conflicted.
3 comments:
:(
Someone once told me that if you love something, let it go. If it comes back then it was truly yours in the first place.
For now, let him go. Sometimes women who are driven and know what they want kind of freak men out.
If he is given space, maybe he will see things differently in the long run. Just move on. If, during the time you're giving him space, you find someone else... that's his loss.
Good solid advice. Now my only hope is that I can actually take it.
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