I love Tom. That is a fact. Another fact is that he does not love me.
I pretty much assaulted him after work today demanding to know the truth and all I got were half-truths and silence. Instead of making him man up and tell me the truth I broke down and pretty much begged him to take me back. Even though he's already dating someone else. Even though he doesn't give a shit about anyone, including himself, least of all me. Even though I care about him more than he possibly realizes. Where was I going with this?
Oh right. He finally managed to escape, running away as always, and then I was broken again. And alone.
So I called Megan and Jackie and balled to them, telling them my story and how all I wanted was to get him back no matter how illogical and irrational it was.
Luckily today was my first kickball game on Jordan's team. So after my hours of crying, going through half a kleenex box at least, Jordan and Megan and I went out to the field (about 10 blocks away). Unfortunately the umpire didn't show and there weren't any real bases on the field so the other team elected to go out to the bar instead. Our team, the Thirsty Camels, just split into two and played against ourselves. It was freezing cold and windy though, but it was still fun.
Afterwards about half or a third of the team headed out to the local bar that sponsors the team (Cloggy's?? something like that) and had a few beers. I had 2 ... hence the slight inebriation.
During the game, I made the decision to cut Tom out of my life. All he's doing now is making me miserable, first giving me the hope that I could win him back and then spitting on the hole that used to be my heart by seeing someone else mere days after dumping me.
So I deleted his contact information from my phone. Yet I still have his number because on December 27, 2009 he sent me two text messages that made me so happy I locked them and can't bear to delete them even now.
I should defriend him, cut down on the FB stalking, but I'm not sure I can handle it. Even now I'm halfway to tears.
Part of me is still convinced this is all a nightmare, that will just keep getting worse because I'm about to wake up and realize my life hasn't changed so drastically. But then I realize that I am awake, and this is my life. I can either live it or waste it crying over someone who couldn't care less about me. And why should I cry over him when he's treating me like yesterday's garbage? Just because I love him? Just because I thought he loved me?
Just talked to my mom on the phone about a car she found for me... I feel bad but I wasn't really thrilled about it. Almost started crying though... alcohol really is a depressant isn't it?
Why is it that you don't realize what you have until you've lost it?
This post was supposed to be about me taking charge of my life and my emotions and getting over Tom but I guess it's just not that easy still.
I texted him about bringing me the rest of my stuff that I left at his house (just replied to his text that I had locked... have locked... I'll delete it someday I'm sure). I wanted him to bring it to me at work tomorrow. His response? "I'm not going home tonight." Thank you for twisting the knife. Because I don't feel bad enough, you have to rub it in that you're staying at this new girl's place? Assuming that's what it is, and my last assumption proved correct so I guess I'm probably safe assuming things. I guess I should have known, our relationship moved quickly enough it stands to reason his next would follow suit.
It does dull the pain though, the alcohol. I mean I'm pretty sure I would be balling my eyes out going through the rest of my tissues if I hadn't had those 2 beers.
It's so unfair. Why do people treat each other like this? How do you claim to care about someone for 5 months and then treat them like horse shit? Where does that change come from? How can you act like two entirely separate people to someone who loves you and cares about you and would do anything for you?
I need to take a shower.
I did it, defriended him. No going back now.
I hope I manage to get some sleep tonight.
2 comments:
Kat,
So sorry you're going through this. *HUGE HUGS*. Stop crying, he's not worth your tears - anyone who moved on that quickly doesn't deserve you.
You deserve someone who will spend the rest of their life making you feel like the most important person in the world. Don't ever settle for anything less.
I didn't realize until I met my husband that love transcends into something much deeper than feelings.
What ECL said is right, Kitty. You deserve to be happy, he's not worth your time and especially not your tears.
*HUGS* I miss your smile, it's too beautiful to be put away behind that frown, I know it's difficult Kat, i've been there myself but you'll get through this. I'm here for you.
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