A more interesting title could not exist! This is in reference to a pod of orca whales hunting a seal on an ice flow. It was pretty sweet.
So today I went to my watercolor class and worked on my stupid abstract painting (which I hate by the way... ugh). I wasn't made to be abstract... which is a bit ironic. Anyway, so after that I headed to my Kinship class to give my part of the debate on Sex Ed. It went surprisingly well! Most of the questions by the class were fired at those given the anti-sex ed roles (like Sarah Palin) than at the pro sex edders (like me!). So that was pretty nice - and the prof emailed me my grade and I got an A so woo! Afterwards I went over to the Caf to get some food and sat there eating and reading Wicked. Surprisingly I'm enjoying the book a lot more this second time through reading it. Anyway after I'd finished I got a call from the Dell guy, and then he came up and proceeded to "fix" my laptop. Took awhile to get everything out and back in but when it was done, I started reinstalling the drivers. Had a bit of trouble with that but talked to Dell and they helped me out. BUT unfortunately they didn't replace my MS Office because I had the 2003 version but they don't make that anymore! And they couldn't send me the 2007 version... not sure why. So instead they're sending me a $100 coupon to use to get it... meaning I have to pay the difference. Sigh. And then of course if I want to recover my files from my old hard drive that'll cost as well. Stupid technical problems, like I have the money for this right now!
So that's my story for today. The rest of the night has been spent getting music from Sybylla, installing programs back onto the laptop, and watching Bond movies/Animal Planet. And now I'm considering watching Austin Powers and/or ordering a grilled cheese sandwich from the girls lacrosse team... yea that's right!
So it's a bit surreal having no bookmarks or favorites, barely any programs, nothing on the desktop and hardly any of my music (except that which Syb has graciously sent). I'm really going to miss a lot of my stuff... although I have been organizing my music a lot better this time!
So I've decided I want to learn languages. Because why not? It sounds like fun. Spanish I already have a background in so I should continue with that, but I really had no opportunity to use it or practice it (or perhaps no motivation). I should work on increasing my Spanish vocabulary, then perhaps Latin? My roommate would be shocked.
To be honest I probably won't... I just feel like I need more skills. Because I have none whatsoever. Maybe I should've studied abroad in South America or Spain. Oh well.
Nah, I'd never trade my Australia experience for anything. Except maybe an extended version of the same. Lifetime version?
So tomorrow I'm hoping to spend the day getting music from Syb and studying for Neuro. Wish me luck!
OH! I also discovered yesterday that my camera was not just malfunctioning due to dead batteries, but just malfunctioning in general. Yet another piece of technology that has decided to hate me. FUWEOWJFQAHFBOA
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I forgot!
I forgot to talk about all the good things that happened yesterday!
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but on Monday I lost my sweatshirt. I had lost it sometime between going to the bathroom before my Kinship class and walking to my room after lunch. That left very few places for it to be - so I checked in the Caf where I had eaten, checked the lost and found at the Caf, checked the three department offices in the building where I had my Kinship class, checked the bathroom, and called and asked Safety and Security if anyone had turned it in. And it wasn't anywhere (this was all on Monday). Finally on Wednesday my roommate had the brilliant idea to check at the Student Activities Office and lo and behold, there it was! Yay! So my lost sweatshirt was found. That was one good thing.
Another good thing was that Alan called me! Props to him for actually calling me back. And then I wasn't able to talk at the time but called him back and he asked a very simple question - if my conclusions I had drawn were actually valid or something I made up in order to convince him I was okay. I almost wanted to laugh because if I'm not okay, and someone had something to do with making me not okay, why would I want to spare them the guilt by pretending to be okay?? Point being, I informed him I did believe it to be true and that convinced him to continue with our previous plan. AKA he's coming to visit! YAAAY, Wicked is still on!!!
So those were the good things. That and the Dell guy is coming on Friday (tomorrow) to fix my baby.
In other news, I have a Neurobiology test on Tuesday and a Sex Ed debate tomorrow. Which prompted me to do some research on Sex Ed in the US last night and I found some disturbing facts. Like the fact that there is no government funding for comprehensive sex education in schools, but there is funding for abstinence-only education. And that there have been scientific studies showing that comprehensive sex ed has shown to be effective whereas abstinence-only education is not only ineffective but oftentimes harmful. What is wrong with this picture? That of course led me to think of what's wrong with our country. Why in the world did Proposition 8 pass in California? Who are homosexual people hurting by wanting to marry the person they love? What is wrong with people in this country!?
Ignorance and hate are so dangerous, and often correspond. It kills me.
And now I'm going to get ready for my sculpture class, and hope the rain is over for the day (and it's COLD too!)
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but on Monday I lost my sweatshirt. I had lost it sometime between going to the bathroom before my Kinship class and walking to my room after lunch. That left very few places for it to be - so I checked in the Caf where I had eaten, checked the lost and found at the Caf, checked the three department offices in the building where I had my Kinship class, checked the bathroom, and called and asked Safety and Security if anyone had turned it in. And it wasn't anywhere (this was all on Monday). Finally on Wednesday my roommate had the brilliant idea to check at the Student Activities Office and lo and behold, there it was! Yay! So my lost sweatshirt was found. That was one good thing.
Another good thing was that Alan called me! Props to him for actually calling me back. And then I wasn't able to talk at the time but called him back and he asked a very simple question - if my conclusions I had drawn were actually valid or something I made up in order to convince him I was okay. I almost wanted to laugh because if I'm not okay, and someone had something to do with making me not okay, why would I want to spare them the guilt by pretending to be okay?? Point being, I informed him I did believe it to be true and that convinced him to continue with our previous plan. AKA he's coming to visit! YAAAY, Wicked is still on!!!
So those were the good things. That and the Dell guy is coming on Friday (tomorrow) to fix my baby.
In other news, I have a Neurobiology test on Tuesday and a Sex Ed debate tomorrow. Which prompted me to do some research on Sex Ed in the US last night and I found some disturbing facts. Like the fact that there is no government funding for comprehensive sex education in schools, but there is funding for abstinence-only education. And that there have been scientific studies showing that comprehensive sex ed has shown to be effective whereas abstinence-only education is not only ineffective but oftentimes harmful. What is wrong with this picture? That of course led me to think of what's wrong with our country. Why in the world did Proposition 8 pass in California? Who are homosexual people hurting by wanting to marry the person they love? What is wrong with people in this country!?
Ignorance and hate are so dangerous, and often correspond. It kills me.
And now I'm going to get ready for my sculpture class, and hope the rain is over for the day (and it's COLD too!)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I'm getting good at this posting thing...
Either that or I just spend way too much time on the internet. Or perhaps a combination of the two. But I am going to try to start getting offline more often now - it's just really hard when pretty much ALL homework nowadays requires a typed response of some sort. Seriously, for one of my mini-lab question/answer things we wrote out all the equations and calculations and the answers to the questions on a piece of notebook paper and tried to hand it in... the prof looked incredulous and pretty much said he would accept it but really we should always type it. And it was stupid because we did it right there in class... anyway I digress.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to post right now, I really don't have any other news. Other than I'm a little less entranced by my dreams at the moment. Probably because I didn't have one (that I remember) last night.
And I think I scare people away. Not all that surprising, but still.
In my Kinship, Marriage, and Human Sexuality course today we talked about a recent terrible event that happened on campus. We were all emailed about it but not given the details (until this class). Basically sometime last week about 9 cars were covered with racist, sexist, anti-semitist slurs and gross language and graphics. These kind of hate crimes happened inside the "safe" little Gustavus bubble. Then of course on Monday/Tuesday the sidewalks were covered with chalk messages about the election - most were fairly basic but a few were insulting. Like the "True Christians vote Republican" and "Don't vote for Osama bin Laden." It happened from the Democratic side as well, someone spray painted Obama's face/logo onto some campus buildings. Which is defacing property but at least it wasnt insulting. Right so we spent the entire class time discussing the latent hostility on campus, it was very eye-opening, and sad.
And then of course I heard Proposition 8 was passed in California and I almost cried. I thought for sure it would be shot down but it actually passed! Since when did Californians start riding the hate train? That could be a good reason to exit the country. And MN still hasn't decided on Coleman or Franken for US Senator. Right now I think Coleman is up by about 500 votes... which is microscopic. So we probably won't hear for awhile yet. I just picture Coleman as Bush's little puppy... and we all know what a great leader Bush is/was...
I hate feeling like I have to censor myself in this blog in case some people read it and get their feelings hurt by learning something about me they didn't want to.
Oh yea, I do censor myself! Because some people actually do read these things (don't know why but there you have it).
And one person commented on my money blog... I knowmoney doesn't solve problems but it would take care of some extra stress which would allow me to deal more effectively with everyday problems and stresses.
And then I could see the world, and all my mates who decided to live all across the globe.
Hell, I haven't even seen my friend from Wisconsin! I fail...
I need a job. And a plan. Which reminded me of the quote in Monsters, Inc. where Mike tells Sully to go do something with Boo while he comes up with a plan. It's really hilarious in the movie... I just dont remember the exact quote. Man I love Disney movies.
And now I'm going offline for a few hours to attempt to be the good student I was in high school...
I'm not sure why I felt the need to post right now, I really don't have any other news. Other than I'm a little less entranced by my dreams at the moment. Probably because I didn't have one (that I remember) last night.
And I think I scare people away. Not all that surprising, but still.
In my Kinship, Marriage, and Human Sexuality course today we talked about a recent terrible event that happened on campus. We were all emailed about it but not given the details (until this class). Basically sometime last week about 9 cars were covered with racist, sexist, anti-semitist slurs and gross language and graphics. These kind of hate crimes happened inside the "safe" little Gustavus bubble. Then of course on Monday/Tuesday the sidewalks were covered with chalk messages about the election - most were fairly basic but a few were insulting. Like the "True Christians vote Republican" and "Don't vote for Osama bin Laden." It happened from the Democratic side as well, someone spray painted Obama's face/logo onto some campus buildings. Which is defacing property but at least it wasnt insulting. Right so we spent the entire class time discussing the latent hostility on campus, it was very eye-opening, and sad.
And then of course I heard Proposition 8 was passed in California and I almost cried. I thought for sure it would be shot down but it actually passed! Since when did Californians start riding the hate train? That could be a good reason to exit the country. And MN still hasn't decided on Coleman or Franken for US Senator. Right now I think Coleman is up by about 500 votes... which is microscopic. So we probably won't hear for awhile yet. I just picture Coleman as Bush's little puppy... and we all know what a great leader Bush is/was...
I hate feeling like I have to censor myself in this blog in case some people read it and get their feelings hurt by learning something about me they didn't want to.
Oh yea, I do censor myself! Because some people actually do read these things (don't know why but there you have it).
And one person commented on my money blog... I knowmoney doesn't solve problems but it would take care of some extra stress which would allow me to deal more effectively with everyday problems and stresses.
And then I could see the world, and all my mates who decided to live all across the globe.
Hell, I haven't even seen my friend from Wisconsin! I fail...
I need a job. And a plan. Which reminded me of the quote in Monsters, Inc. where Mike tells Sully to go do something with Boo while he comes up with a plan. It's really hilarious in the movie... I just dont remember the exact quote. Man I love Disney movies.
And now I'm going offline for a few hours to attempt to be the good student I was in high school...
Obama for the win!
Yes ladies and gentlemen the polls have closed and the ballots are in and we will soon have a new President of the United States. Barack Obama is underlined as misspelled... how sad. In reality though, this wonderful development for our nation has interesting repercussions for my personal life.
Sad that I jump straight from the fate of one of the most powerful nations on the planet to myself, but I guess I am a selfish being at heart. More like, I know you all can read about the upcoming changes in the worldview in dozens of places online, but only here can you learn about my personal turmoil.
Anyway, like I said, this changes things. Not that I was hoping for McCain to win, I definitely voted Obama, but with this Democratic victory I no longer have the excuse I could have used to leave the country. With new leadership the US of A might go back on the rise and be the "hip" place to be again (I sort of doubt it but if it can change so much in 8 years... who's to say?). Not of course that I have to be living at the "hip" place, in fact I'm more likely to not. All that being said, I desperately desperately wanted to leave as of this time yesterday, and now I'm not so sure. Is this me settling? Accepting reality? I do love Minnesota and the States at heart, loyalty was always one of my more honored qualities, but I still feel the urge to get away. I'm not sure if this is a travelling urge, see the world once on a glorious vacation (or series of vacations) or a true I-want-to-live-somewhere-else urge.
Sigh. Confusement. Wow, that's a real word. Strange...
And of course in lesser news, I've completely recovered from the issues presented 2 blogs ago. Which is strange, but not at all unexpected due to the conclusion I've drawn.
As I said before, I was rebounding and that made things difficult. What I've since realized is that instead of attempting to start a new relationship, I merely transferred all my emotional baggage/attachment from the previous to the new. That of course meant that I was far too attached to the new, yet made it exceedingly easier to get over the old. Now that I've realized this, I'm completely over what was the new. If this is confusing, well I'm sorry but it makes sense to me! My latest problem of course is that the emotional attachment/baggage isn't gone, it's merely transferred back to the old. Which is a dangerous place for it to be because that means that I'm back to stalking and tormenting myself for no reason whatsoever because it is something that is NEVER going to happen.
Unless I buy a plane ticket...
... with negative funds! Gah, see what I mean?!
I wish I could take the emotions aforementioned and just release them into the wild! Let them go haunt someone else for a change.
Another issue that is completely related to this and even more uncontrollable is my latest sequence of dreams. I keep dreaming about someone, nothing dirty or sexual at all it's just so much fun! We do random things in my dream but the point is that I feel the least amount of stress and worry and feel so completely happy and free that I never want to wake up. It's exactly how I feel all the time now. Reality is just too much to handle, so I focus on my dreams and try to prop them up as potential realities, but are they really? Do these dreams have a chance in hell of coming true?
I have no idea.
So the point is, I am as confused as ever about my life, ecstatic over the fate of the US, and in pain because I slipped in a puddle on the way to the shower and hurt my knee.
Also I shaved my legs today - silky!
FIN
Sad that I jump straight from the fate of one of the most powerful nations on the planet to myself, but I guess I am a selfish being at heart. More like, I know you all can read about the upcoming changes in the worldview in dozens of places online, but only here can you learn about my personal turmoil.
Anyway, like I said, this changes things. Not that I was hoping for McCain to win, I definitely voted Obama, but with this Democratic victory I no longer have the excuse I could have used to leave the country. With new leadership the US of A might go back on the rise and be the "hip" place to be again (I sort of doubt it but if it can change so much in 8 years... who's to say?). Not of course that I have to be living at the "hip" place, in fact I'm more likely to not. All that being said, I desperately desperately wanted to leave as of this time yesterday, and now I'm not so sure. Is this me settling? Accepting reality? I do love Minnesota and the States at heart, loyalty was always one of my more honored qualities, but I still feel the urge to get away. I'm not sure if this is a travelling urge, see the world once on a glorious vacation (or series of vacations) or a true I-want-to-live-somewhere-else urge.
Sigh. Confusement. Wow, that's a real word. Strange...
And of course in lesser news, I've completely recovered from the issues presented 2 blogs ago. Which is strange, but not at all unexpected due to the conclusion I've drawn.
As I said before, I was rebounding and that made things difficult. What I've since realized is that instead of attempting to start a new relationship, I merely transferred all my emotional baggage/attachment from the previous to the new. That of course meant that I was far too attached to the new, yet made it exceedingly easier to get over the old. Now that I've realized this, I'm completely over what was the new. If this is confusing, well I'm sorry but it makes sense to me! My latest problem of course is that the emotional attachment/baggage isn't gone, it's merely transferred back to the old. Which is a dangerous place for it to be because that means that I'm back to stalking and tormenting myself for no reason whatsoever because it is something that is NEVER going to happen.
Unless I buy a plane ticket...
... with negative funds! Gah, see what I mean?!
I wish I could take the emotions aforementioned and just release them into the wild! Let them go haunt someone else for a change.
Another issue that is completely related to this and even more uncontrollable is my latest sequence of dreams. I keep dreaming about someone, nothing dirty or sexual at all it's just so much fun! We do random things in my dream but the point is that I feel the least amount of stress and worry and feel so completely happy and free that I never want to wake up. It's exactly how I feel all the time now. Reality is just too much to handle, so I focus on my dreams and try to prop them up as potential realities, but are they really? Do these dreams have a chance in hell of coming true?
I have no idea.
So the point is, I am as confused as ever about my life, ecstatic over the fate of the US, and in pain because I slipped in a puddle on the way to the shower and hurt my knee.
Also I shaved my legs today - silky!
FIN
Sunday, November 2, 2008
LOVE
I'd like to dedicate this post to my two new lovers. Their names are Ben and Jerry, and they make the most wonderful creation on Earth.
Half-Baked ice cream.
Brownie pieces and cookie dough in vanilla and chocolate ice cream.
I am officially in love.
The End.
Half-Baked ice cream.
Brownie pieces and cookie dough in vanilla and chocolate ice cream.
I am officially in love.
The End.
Friends? Perhaps not...
So remember that light on the horizon thing I've talked about a few times? Not only has it gone out, but now might be a black hole.
Fuck it how about I just actually say what was going on.
Alan and I spent weeks/months communicating a lot over the internet and phone etc consoling each other over the summer/early fall. We became very close, and since we were both on the rebound and our talking became more like flirting we decided to consider rebounding on a parallel course ie with each other. He decided to come visit over Thanksgiving (pre-rebound decision) and we would go see Wicked together etc. We sort of decided to figure it out then, but after all of that at one point he thought he couldn't handle waiting. Especially since at that point it was vague and uncertain what exactly we were doing. After I assured him I was all-in, that I was certain I was on track he came back and we decided again to give it a try. Then two weeks ago (I think, check the blogs lol) he was out again. I was upset, very upset, but figured meh once he gets here (for he was still planning to come) we can give it a real shot and either he'll change his mind or I will. 4 days later I was surfing around on facebook and saw it. His relationship status changed from "It's complicated" with me to "In a relationship" with the stupid little freshman chick he had assured me was like a little sister to him. Incest much? But yea, that cut me deep. Then of course comes the fun "I no longer want to go back to Australia either" conversation, ripping any sense of a future I had away. God I went from happy and excited and not worried to a miserable wreck, and I don't even know if I'd get along well in that sort of way with him! My biggest problem is or was that I wasn't sure yet, I didn't get the chance to try it out. But I digress.
This little revelation might make all of my latests posts make a hell of a lot more sense, but I didn't just decide to post now because I felt like sharing that info, I decided to post because I just got off the phone with Alan. And guess what? Now he's no longer sure he wants to come. I even told him straight out that if he didn't, I wouldn't want to ever communicate with him again, and he still wasn't sure. Some kind of friend right? I get that he feels guilty whenever he talks to me now, but hell he should. What kind of excuse is that? It's just another example of cowardice. Or it just tells me he has no respect for me at all or cares so little about me that it doesn't matter. Of course if he does care so little, I don't want him to come anyway. But then of course, if he really cares so little, well, not a good feeling.
I just wish I had the means to do something drastic. Like get the fuck out of this country, away from this place and these memories.
I wish... for things that no longer have any basis in reality.
Why does it have to be that the last time I was COMPLETELY happy and satisfied with my life was 5 months ago?
Fuck it how about I just actually say what was going on.
Alan and I spent weeks/months communicating a lot over the internet and phone etc consoling each other over the summer/early fall. We became very close, and since we were both on the rebound and our talking became more like flirting we decided to consider rebounding on a parallel course ie with each other. He decided to come visit over Thanksgiving (pre-rebound decision) and we would go see Wicked together etc. We sort of decided to figure it out then, but after all of that at one point he thought he couldn't handle waiting. Especially since at that point it was vague and uncertain what exactly we were doing. After I assured him I was all-in, that I was certain I was on track he came back and we decided again to give it a try. Then two weeks ago (I think, check the blogs lol) he was out again. I was upset, very upset, but figured meh once he gets here (for he was still planning to come) we can give it a real shot and either he'll change his mind or I will. 4 days later I was surfing around on facebook and saw it. His relationship status changed from "It's complicated" with me to "In a relationship" with the stupid little freshman chick he had assured me was like a little sister to him. Incest much? But yea, that cut me deep. Then of course comes the fun "I no longer want to go back to Australia either" conversation, ripping any sense of a future I had away. God I went from happy and excited and not worried to a miserable wreck, and I don't even know if I'd get along well in that sort of way with him! My biggest problem is or was that I wasn't sure yet, I didn't get the chance to try it out. But I digress.
This little revelation might make all of my latests posts make a hell of a lot more sense, but I didn't just decide to post now because I felt like sharing that info, I decided to post because I just got off the phone with Alan. And guess what? Now he's no longer sure he wants to come. I even told him straight out that if he didn't, I wouldn't want to ever communicate with him again, and he still wasn't sure. Some kind of friend right? I get that he feels guilty whenever he talks to me now, but hell he should. What kind of excuse is that? It's just another example of cowardice. Or it just tells me he has no respect for me at all or cares so little about me that it doesn't matter. Of course if he does care so little, I don't want him to come anyway. But then of course, if he really cares so little, well, not a good feeling.
I just wish I had the means to do something drastic. Like get the fuck out of this country, away from this place and these memories.
I wish... for things that no longer have any basis in reality.
Why does it have to be that the last time I was COMPLETELY happy and satisfied with my life was 5 months ago?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Money Money Money
Why does money make everything simple? Granted, I've never had copious amounts of it but then I've never really found certain things simple before either. But people who have money, their problems are self-inflicted. People who don't have money just have problems.
Virginia Satir said that "Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem." So really, everyone has problems, just not everyone can cope with them. And guess what! Money makes coping with problems a hell of a lot easier. Or at least some problems.
For instance, getting a good education is made easier when you have filthy rich parents who can afford to pay for your tuition fully. Meaning you do not have to worry about it, you're capable of going on countless studies abroad, meaning you're less stressed about how to pay for next semester's tuition or how to pay off your student loans after your fast-approaching graduation. All of these potential problems become null and void with the simple aid of some green pieces of cloth-like paper!
Or what if you have a burning desire to see the world, as much of it as you possibly can before kicking the bucket. If you have money you simply hop on a plane and go where you wish. For those of us who don't, you spend countless hours yearning to go, spend your summers working 50 hours a week just to accrue as little debt as possible so that someday perhaps you can go without further bankrupting yourself.
And of course, there's the issue that nearly everyone on the planet is concerned with, in some form or another. And that is love. Or at least sex, but really they should be combined. And while sex is easy enough to come by in our society, love is a vastly different story. What is love? How does one know? If there's just one soul mate for everyone, how are you guaranteed of finding that soul mate? I'm guessing I'm one of those doomed to never actually find them, or if I find them to lose them for some asinine reason. And what does this have to do with money? Probably nothing, money doesn't guarantee true love (take Britney and K-Fed for example). It might actually complicate some relationships I suppose. I just think, at least for me, money would help me find out. I wouldn't be stressed about my life or needing to figure it out by a certain deadline, I could relax, stop and smell the roses, see the world.
It's odd for me to be sitting here crying about being broke and not having everything exactly the way I want it. And no, I'm not literally crying. And I am in fact very very lucky, I've seen more of the world than most of my relatives. I've been blessed and I know it; I guess it's just the greedy American in me that is always crying out for more. Never satisfied with how my life is at the present. The thing is, I have had a few shining moments in my life where I thought that things couldn't get any better. Or at least that there was the potential for things to get better, but it was pretty damn good as it was. The time period in my life where I had the most of these moments, jam packed together, was in Australia. And it could just be because moments like that often occur during vacations, and Australia was very much like a 4 month vacation for me. Sigh, I don't know where I'm going with this.
Propinquity is a bitch. It's the idea that people choose partners who are close to them in distance. And see, I have a big problem with it. For those of you who know me, pretty much everyone I've ever been in a relationship with doesn't follow that rule. I am the fucking queen of attempting, and failing, long-distance relationships. Why the hell do I keep trying? And this is where the money thing comes in because if I had heaps of it I could just jet back and forth and the distance wouldn't be a problem. But I don't, so distance is a huge fucking problem. And I know this and I've known it and yet what the hell do I keep doing to myself?
I always talk myself out of things here, I did it in high school I'm doing it at Gustavus. I figure everyone has their friends all set out and their social networks filled and where relationships stem from are social networks. So I do my shy thing, my hiding in the corner, making one semester friends all over again. I hope to make lasting impressions on people, and never seem to cut it. It seems even Australia was my one-semester friends making all over again. People are moving on without me, and propinquity is obviously a huge part of that. Hell I can't keep FRIENDS when they're on the same fucking campus as I am! How am I supposed to keep them when they're across the country, or the globe?!
I should just be a hermit. Either that or cut myself off from technology entirely. Thrust myself out into the real world more and force myself to be "normal." Or find and join a society of other techno-hermits. That'd be pretty sweet.
OR I could work my ass off (again) over January and over the summer (post-graduation) and then fly to Europe and figure it out from there. Work, hitchhike, travel, and LIVE. Nice dream eh? Instead, I'll probably not change. I'll keep pining over what I've lost and never fully realize what I have. I'll keep intending to do better and keep putting it off until there are no more chances left. I'll sit in my room alone on a late Friday night watching movies by myself eating Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and Cheezits and drinking Diet Mountain Dew and rant about how emo I am in a blog. Begging someone to give a damn.
Cursed and doomed to be alone. Even when I'm "with" someone, I'm always alone. Everyone's alone I guess... but is it so much to want someone to always be there? Well I guess that is a lot to ask for. Someone to notice when I'm sad and give me a hug, someone to hold me late at night and assure me things will be fine, someone who sees me and me alone.
Cock, dick, asshole. Three things all men have. And three words that tend to be used as insults, referring to the horrible nature of a person (arrogant, mean, cold-hearted, etc). Why? Is it just because all men are horrible? In some form or another... I think they might be. Or at least they act like they are.
It's funny how I cry and wail about what I want, what I "need" and then go and blast all mankind because of a few I know who wanted and needed that same thing. Except they, unlike me, gave up on the potential for it in one place and decided to look for it where they were. I'm such a hypocrite. I just don't have the so-called balls to do it myself.
I think I'll finish watching Jumper tonight and then perhaps listen to some ABBA as I fall asleep alone in my room.
PS - Isn't it amazing that the animal we often refer to when we talk about being alone, independent etc is the wolf, yet the wolf manages to mate for life when we humans can't?
Virginia Satir said that "Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem." So really, everyone has problems, just not everyone can cope with them. And guess what! Money makes coping with problems a hell of a lot easier. Or at least some problems.
For instance, getting a good education is made easier when you have filthy rich parents who can afford to pay for your tuition fully. Meaning you do not have to worry about it, you're capable of going on countless studies abroad, meaning you're less stressed about how to pay for next semester's tuition or how to pay off your student loans after your fast-approaching graduation. All of these potential problems become null and void with the simple aid of some green pieces of cloth-like paper!
Or what if you have a burning desire to see the world, as much of it as you possibly can before kicking the bucket. If you have money you simply hop on a plane and go where you wish. For those of us who don't, you spend countless hours yearning to go, spend your summers working 50 hours a week just to accrue as little debt as possible so that someday perhaps you can go without further bankrupting yourself.
And of course, there's the issue that nearly everyone on the planet is concerned with, in some form or another. And that is love. Or at least sex, but really they should be combined. And while sex is easy enough to come by in our society, love is a vastly different story. What is love? How does one know? If there's just one soul mate for everyone, how are you guaranteed of finding that soul mate? I'm guessing I'm one of those doomed to never actually find them, or if I find them to lose them for some asinine reason. And what does this have to do with money? Probably nothing, money doesn't guarantee true love (take Britney and K-Fed for example). It might actually complicate some relationships I suppose. I just think, at least for me, money would help me find out. I wouldn't be stressed about my life or needing to figure it out by a certain deadline, I could relax, stop and smell the roses, see the world.
It's odd for me to be sitting here crying about being broke and not having everything exactly the way I want it. And no, I'm not literally crying. And I am in fact very very lucky, I've seen more of the world than most of my relatives. I've been blessed and I know it; I guess it's just the greedy American in me that is always crying out for more. Never satisfied with how my life is at the present. The thing is, I have had a few shining moments in my life where I thought that things couldn't get any better. Or at least that there was the potential for things to get better, but it was pretty damn good as it was. The time period in my life where I had the most of these moments, jam packed together, was in Australia. And it could just be because moments like that often occur during vacations, and Australia was very much like a 4 month vacation for me. Sigh, I don't know where I'm going with this.
Propinquity is a bitch. It's the idea that people choose partners who are close to them in distance. And see, I have a big problem with it. For those of you who know me, pretty much everyone I've ever been in a relationship with doesn't follow that rule. I am the fucking queen of attempting, and failing, long-distance relationships. Why the hell do I keep trying? And this is where the money thing comes in because if I had heaps of it I could just jet back and forth and the distance wouldn't be a problem. But I don't, so distance is a huge fucking problem. And I know this and I've known it and yet what the hell do I keep doing to myself?
I always talk myself out of things here, I did it in high school I'm doing it at Gustavus. I figure everyone has their friends all set out and their social networks filled and where relationships stem from are social networks. So I do my shy thing, my hiding in the corner, making one semester friends all over again. I hope to make lasting impressions on people, and never seem to cut it. It seems even Australia was my one-semester friends making all over again. People are moving on without me, and propinquity is obviously a huge part of that. Hell I can't keep FRIENDS when they're on the same fucking campus as I am! How am I supposed to keep them when they're across the country, or the globe?!
I should just be a hermit. Either that or cut myself off from technology entirely. Thrust myself out into the real world more and force myself to be "normal." Or find and join a society of other techno-hermits. That'd be pretty sweet.
OR I could work my ass off (again) over January and over the summer (post-graduation) and then fly to Europe and figure it out from there. Work, hitchhike, travel, and LIVE. Nice dream eh? Instead, I'll probably not change. I'll keep pining over what I've lost and never fully realize what I have. I'll keep intending to do better and keep putting it off until there are no more chances left. I'll sit in my room alone on a late Friday night watching movies by myself eating Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and Cheezits and drinking Diet Mountain Dew and rant about how emo I am in a blog. Begging someone to give a damn.
Cursed and doomed to be alone. Even when I'm "with" someone, I'm always alone. Everyone's alone I guess... but is it so much to want someone to always be there? Well I guess that is a lot to ask for. Someone to notice when I'm sad and give me a hug, someone to hold me late at night and assure me things will be fine, someone who sees me and me alone.
Cock, dick, asshole. Three things all men have. And three words that tend to be used as insults, referring to the horrible nature of a person (arrogant, mean, cold-hearted, etc). Why? Is it just because all men are horrible? In some form or another... I think they might be. Or at least they act like they are.
It's funny how I cry and wail about what I want, what I "need" and then go and blast all mankind because of a few I know who wanted and needed that same thing. Except they, unlike me, gave up on the potential for it in one place and decided to look for it where they were. I'm such a hypocrite. I just don't have the so-called balls to do it myself.
I think I'll finish watching Jumper tonight and then perhaps listen to some ABBA as I fall asleep alone in my room.
PS - Isn't it amazing that the animal we often refer to when we talk about being alone, independent etc is the wolf, yet the wolf manages to mate for life when we humans can't?
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