Money Money Money

Why does money make everything simple? Granted, I've never had copious amounts of it but then I've never really found certain things simple before either. But people who have money, their problems are self-inflicted. People who don't have money just have problems.

Virginia Satir said that "Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem." So really, everyone has problems, just not everyone can cope with them. And guess what! Money makes coping with problems a hell of a lot easier. Or at least some problems.

For instance, getting a good education is made easier when you have filthy rich parents who can afford to pay for your tuition fully. Meaning you do not have to worry about it, you're capable of going on countless studies abroad, meaning you're less stressed about how to pay for next semester's tuition or how to pay off your student loans after your fast-approaching graduation. All of these potential problems become null and void with the simple aid of some green pieces of cloth-like paper!

Or what if you have a burning desire to see the world, as much of it as you possibly can before kicking the bucket. If you have money you simply hop on a plane and go where you wish. For those of us who don't, you spend countless hours yearning to go, spend your summers working 50 hours a week just to accrue as little debt as possible so that someday perhaps you can go without further bankrupting yourself.

And of course, there's the issue that nearly everyone on the planet is concerned with, in some form or another. And that is love. Or at least sex, but really they should be combined. And while sex is easy enough to come by in our society, love is a vastly different story. What is love? How does one know? If there's just one soul mate for everyone, how are you guaranteed of finding that soul mate? I'm guessing I'm one of those doomed to never actually find them, or if I find them to lose them for some asinine reason. And what does this have to do with money? Probably nothing, money doesn't guarantee true love (take Britney and K-Fed for example). It might actually complicate some relationships I suppose. I just think, at least for me, money would help me find out. I wouldn't be stressed about my life or needing to figure it out by a certain deadline, I could relax, stop and smell the roses, see the world.

It's odd for me to be sitting here crying about being broke and not having everything exactly the way I want it. And no, I'm not literally crying. And I am in fact very very lucky, I've seen more of the world than most of my relatives. I've been blessed and I know it; I guess it's just the greedy American in me that is always crying out for more. Never satisfied with how my life is at the present. The thing is, I have had a few shining moments in my life where I thought that things couldn't get any better. Or at least that there was the potential for things to get better, but it was pretty damn good as it was. The time period in my life where I had the most of these moments, jam packed together, was in Australia. And it could just be because moments like that often occur during vacations, and Australia was very much like a 4 month vacation for me. Sigh, I don't know where I'm going with this.

Propinquity is a bitch. It's the idea that people choose partners who are close to them in distance. And see, I have a big problem with it. For those of you who know me, pretty much everyone I've ever been in a relationship with doesn't follow that rule. I am the fucking queen of attempting, and failing, long-distance relationships. Why the hell do I keep trying? And this is where the money thing comes in because if I had heaps of it I could just jet back and forth and the distance wouldn't be a problem. But I don't, so distance is a huge fucking problem. And I know this and I've known it and yet what the hell do I keep doing to myself?

I always talk myself out of things here, I did it in high school I'm doing it at Gustavus. I figure everyone has their friends all set out and their social networks filled and where relationships stem from are social networks. So I do my shy thing, my hiding in the corner, making one semester friends all over again. I hope to make lasting impressions on people, and never seem to cut it. It seems even Australia was my one-semester friends making all over again. People are moving on without me, and propinquity is obviously a huge part of that. Hell I can't keep FRIENDS when they're on the same fucking campus as I am! How am I supposed to keep them when they're across the country, or the globe?!

I should just be a hermit. Either that or cut myself off from technology entirely. Thrust myself out into the real world more and force myself to be "normal." Or find and join a society of other techno-hermits. That'd be pretty sweet.

OR I could work my ass off (again) over January and over the summer (post-graduation) and then fly to Europe and figure it out from there. Work, hitchhike, travel, and LIVE. Nice dream eh? Instead, I'll probably not change. I'll keep pining over what I've lost and never fully realize what I have. I'll keep intending to do better and keep putting it off until there are no more chances left. I'll sit in my room alone on a late Friday night watching movies by myself eating Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and Cheezits and drinking Diet Mountain Dew and rant about how emo I am in a blog. Begging someone to give a damn.

Cursed and doomed to be alone. Even when I'm "with" someone, I'm always alone. Everyone's alone I guess... but is it so much to want someone to always be there? Well I guess that is a lot to ask for. Someone to notice when I'm sad and give me a hug, someone to hold me late at night and assure me things will be fine, someone who sees me and me alone.

Cock, dick, asshole. Three things all men have. And three words that tend to be used as insults, referring to the horrible nature of a person (arrogant, mean, cold-hearted, etc). Why? Is it just because all men are horrible? In some form or another... I think they might be. Or at least they act like they are.

It's funny how I cry and wail about what I want, what I "need" and then go and blast all mankind because of a few I know who wanted and needed that same thing. Except they, unlike me, gave up on the potential for it in one place and decided to look for it where they were. I'm such a hypocrite. I just don't have the so-called balls to do it myself.

I think I'll finish watching Jumper tonight and then perhaps listen to some ABBA as I fall asleep alone in my room.

PS - Isn't it amazing that the animal we often refer to when we talk about being alone, independent etc is the wolf, yet the wolf manages to mate for life when we humans can't?