I'm broke

Can someone come fix me?

Hormones should be outlawed. Thought Alan coming would be no biggie, especially since I seriously don't have feelings for him. The problem is I still have feelings period. I have feelings that got hurt, stepped on, ripped apart, twisted into knots, covered with gasoline and lit on fire. Nah not that bad, more like weak at first, broken, attempted to mend, then dropped and shattered. But it makes it that much worse when the only person who cared enough to help mend in the first place is the one who dropped it. When the one person you were okay being vulnerable in front of you no longer feel you can be vulnerable in front of anymore.

I just want to be able to cry and have someone hold me, pat my back, tell me things will be okay.

I'm being too revealing again, which just shows the problem! Why can't I talk about this? Why do I have to be afraid of what people will think?

Fuck it, I'm just going to write whatever I think.

I can't release any of this emotional baggage that I keep carrying around because I don't have a willing scapegoat who actually wants to listen. Perhaps my sisters do but I don't feel like I can break down in front of them, though they've probably seen it before they've never had to deal with it before (to my knowledge at least). Which, in itself, is probably fairly strange.

Why am I so weird?

I think part of the reason I'm so insane this week is because I sort of want Alan to see what he's missing out on, even though I don't actually want anything to do with him (other than whatever lame ass friendship we'll have after he leaves here). Although all I've managed to do is show him what a fucked up loser I am, who can't lose her constant jealousy of his "happily coupled" status.

So after a minor unplanned for breakdown I decided to watch a nice uplifting comedy, which led me to see Wild Wild West - and man does Will Smith look pretty in this. It's also mildly amusing, which is good, but also leaves plenty of mindspace free for reflection which could always be good or bad.

This probably would go better in OneNote, but since I've already typed it here, screw it.

Let people feel the partial fury of the maelstrom...