And I have just spent the last hour and 15 minutes watching Ellen Degeneres and now I'm going to quote her:
"We're doing all these things to squeeze things together so we can save time. And I don't know about you but I don't have any more time, I have less time. But let's just say we could save up a whole chunk of time and set it aside, you know what we'd do with it? Nothing! Nothing at all. Isn't that the point, to be able to do nothing at all? But we're not guaranteed that later on chunk of time, all we have is here and now. And that's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination is not the problem, it is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying 'Stop, slow down, you move too fast....' Procrastinate now, don't put it off."
I agree wholeheartedly because, well that is how I operate! And it seems like everyone does, and yet most of us manage to finish things on time.
This weekend was a horrible spate of procrastination. Friday night was intentional, I had no desire to do any sort of homework or future related activity but I also had no social plans. Sybylla was home for the weekend, Sarah and Colin went to the Coldplay concert, etc. So I read for a bit, ate dinner, then finally decided to call my cousins (in Mankato) and see what they were up to - holy crap I already blogged about this. Right, so you know that story, moving on.
Today (Sunday) was going to be my productive day. So of course I woke up late, which was fine because I still had plenty of time to work. Then I got online... big mistake. Not really a mistake because I had a great time talking to people, surfing, etc, but all of a sudden it's after 7pm and I have no idea where the time went. Sybylla had by then returned and she was as neck deep in assignments as I am (perhaps even more so with one midnight deadline). And then of course I realized that it's not just my second Neuro paper due on Tuesday that I have to do - I also have my reading summaries for Kinship due! Not a big deal - those reading articles are usually semi-short and always interesting. But then I get up, get something to drink, and see my half-finished dragonfly painting! Ah SHIT! Yet another thing due tomorrow that I haven't finished!
So what do I do? Well to be honest I started my first of six articles for Kinship, but once I had pretty much finished the first summary, I got distracted. An email from Facebook! So I check it and its just some stupid event invite that I won't be going to but that incites me to change my status, check people's walls, comment on some photos, and then its almost 10pm! WTF! So I relate my procrastination problem with Sybylla and she remembered a funny show by Ellen Degeneres, sent me a YouTube link and thus, another hour has passed.
And so I thought I'd share my story with you lovely people to further procrastinate. Sigh.
And if any of you are curious about my Facebook status, I'll let you in on the secret. Homework sucks, no matter how interesting it may be you never actually want to do it. And I think that is mostly because you know you have to do it. If it were an option, maybe more people would enjoy it. I don't want to be in the U.S. because being here is reality, and I just get really sick of dealing with reality all the time. Also, I have amazing memories of elsewhere, and desires to see places I've never seen. Those desires, mixed with an overwhelming fear that if I don't see them soon I'll never get the opportunity to. That I really need to just take my life in my hands, leap before looking, etc so on so forth. Why does it always look so easy and appealing in movies and books, yet is so unbelieveably hard to pull off in the real world? Oh right, because books and movies aren't real. I keep forgetting.... As for the last part, well in terms of healing I'm referring to what most of my latest blogs have referred to. I don't want to move on and get over some things. I know I should, and I thought I was trying, but that is just a straight up lie. I'm not trying because I don't want to. It's like when I discovered I might be getting over Australia. It scared me because I don't want to get over it! I don't want to settle for having less than I once had, I want to strive to have all I ever wanted and more! And maybe that's selfish or conceited or just human, I don't know or really care but it's the truth.
It also doesn't help when the other side enables the problem - not that I'm complaining but perhaps I should be. Or at least figure something out.
Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul not Constantinople... so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul!
So now I'm really just blowing time. I just stared at a Google map of Europe for about 10 minutes, measuring distances between countries and then pulling the map over to the US for comparison. And of course earlier I was on Hotwire looking up flight prices over January. Even though I should be working that month to help pay for second semester. I just feel like I've got my whole life ahead of me to be working and then paying off loans, what's one more loan, one more money-blowing travel experience? And when will I get another chance?
I'm a spoiled person, but that's the problem with people, no matter what they have they always want more. Is anyone ever really satisfied with their lives? Everyone can manage to whine, bitch, or moan about something or another. And besides, I know my gramma want's to go see Ireland and perhaps other European nations! I bet I could convince her to come with me if I wanted to.
The big problem then of course is if I'd come back :P Which is actually an issue with me! I was so close to not getting on the plane home to the US from Australia, it's not even funny. I sometimes wonder what would have happened then? I would have leaped without looking, but would I have leaped alone? Maybe if I had been there still, Alan would have been compelled to return instead of going back to CSU or whatever school he goes to. Maybe if I hadn't left, Michael would have stayed as well, but of course as the responsible adult he probably would not have. I'm pretty sure Kristin would not have returned to Australia, but maybe it'd give her a reason to come visit. And of course Main would still be there, but not for long because Sarah would have moved back to QLD, and he would follow her. So what would I have accomplished? Probably nothing. But maybe, if one person jumps, others are more likely to follow that lead. But who is brave enough to jump first? It's a big risk, not knowing who (if anyone) will follow. And that's why I didn't jump. Call me chicken, but I feared that I would stay, get to spend another week with Michael, another two weeks with Alan, about a month with Sarah, and then they'd all be gone. Kristin was already gone. And of course I'd be alone again. At least coming home I'm just alone surrounded by people :P Of course that makes no sense, I have my family here and friends I've had for ages and the potential to meet new people exists everywhere (except perhaps on the polar ends of the planet, can't imagine there are too many people there). But still every once in awhile I wonder what if...
Maybe I'll become a hippie. Is that still allowed? I just want to roam the world, hitchhike or whatever and work for awhile then move on again. Money. Stupid money.
Or I'll pick up a crap job in Rochester, live with my folks and just earn earn earn and not spend a penny except on loan repayments (and if my parents charge me any sort of rent...) and just save up and then once I have enough (whatever amount "enough" happens to be) then I'll hit the road (or the air or whatever media my transportation requires).
Or I'll pick up a crap job that leads to a better crap job that leads to a crap career and then I'll be stuck in the corporate world and apathetic to my younger self's dreams and just become the crazy old loon living alone in some cottage with 14 dogs...
Or maybe I'll get a really good job and love it as much as anyone can love their job and be as content and satisfied as one can be, perhaps find a good place for myself, still have my 14 dogs but maybe more of a social circle/family as well and have a perfectly normal, unmentionable, ordinary life.
And of course at some point over the weekend I watched American Beauty and how the worst thing in the world is to be ordinary.
What to do, what to do.
I should start by finishing that damn homework....