So remember that light on the horizon thing I've talked about a few times? Not only has it gone out, but now might be a black hole.
Fuck it how about I just actually say what was going on.
Alan and I spent weeks/months communicating a lot over the internet and phone etc consoling each other over the summer/early fall. We became very close, and since we were both on the rebound and our talking became more like flirting we decided to consider rebounding on a parallel course ie with each other. He decided to come visit over Thanksgiving (pre-rebound decision) and we would go see Wicked together etc. We sort of decided to figure it out then, but after all of that at one point he thought he couldn't handle waiting. Especially since at that point it was vague and uncertain what exactly we were doing. After I assured him I was all-in, that I was certain I was on track he came back and we decided again to give it a try. Then two weeks ago (I think, check the blogs lol) he was out again. I was upset, very upset, but figured meh once he gets here (for he was still planning to come) we can give it a real shot and either he'll change his mind or I will. 4 days later I was surfing around on facebook and saw it. His relationship status changed from "It's complicated" with me to "In a relationship" with the stupid little freshman chick he had assured me was like a little sister to him. Incest much? But yea, that cut me deep. Then of course comes the fun "I no longer want to go back to Australia either" conversation, ripping any sense of a future I had away. God I went from happy and excited and not worried to a miserable wreck, and I don't even know if I'd get along well in that sort of way with him! My biggest problem is or was that I wasn't sure yet, I didn't get the chance to try it out. But I digress.
This little revelation might make all of my latests posts make a hell of a lot more sense, but I didn't just decide to post now because I felt like sharing that info, I decided to post because I just got off the phone with Alan. And guess what? Now he's no longer sure he wants to come. I even told him straight out that if he didn't, I wouldn't want to ever communicate with him again, and he still wasn't sure. Some kind of friend right? I get that he feels guilty whenever he talks to me now, but hell he should. What kind of excuse is that? It's just another example of cowardice. Or it just tells me he has no respect for me at all or cares so little about me that it doesn't matter. Of course if he does care so little, I don't want him to come anyway. But then of course, if he really cares so little, well, not a good feeling.
I just wish I had the means to do something drastic. Like get the fuck out of this country, away from this place and these memories.
I wish... for things that no longer have any basis in reality.
Why does it have to be that the last time I was COMPLETELY happy and satisfied with my life was 5 months ago?