Compartmentalization

The human brain is a marvelous thing. And I'm not just saying that because of all the crazy cool things I've learned about in Neurobiology (although really, damn the brain is smart!).

Mostly what I'm referring to is the magical quality our brains have of being able to take a bad situation and, with a lot of willpower, find a way to make it amusing. Basically walling off all the negative emotions associated with the situation and choosing to, and therefore seeing, the situation as merely humorous. Another tactic is to literally convince yourself that the situation is deep in the past, so far that it can no longer affect you emotionally. And finally you can just pretend it never happened, that whatever bad thing occurred, never really occurred.

And so my brain has been occupied for a good part of last night and most of today convincing itself of really all three of these techniques. So far, it seems to be working! I'd say the wall analogy is most accurate at the moment. Sometimes the wall gets a little wobbly and pieces of negative energy or memories leak out through the wall and affect my happy self. So the wall is a work in progress, but so far I think it's progressing rather well!

Sometimes I consider vengeance as a method for diverting the negative thoughts and emotions, but eventually I realize that it wouldn't really solve anything, nor make me feel better in the end.

I wish there was a way to just take all the negative and release it and never have to think about it or feel it again.

Right now, the wall is getting more and more wobbly, but at least I'm trying. I'm good at hiding my emotions from the world (for the most part), now I just need to learn how to hide them from my conscious self.

Music helps I've found. Especially if it's loud and fun and I can sing along to it. For instance, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" is playing now and it's doing me wonders.

And good old Foo Fighters are always helpful. Only band I've seen in concert! Good thing they kick ass.

So as far as future plans go, for the moment they are up in the air. But I have these ideas, so many ideas! Most involve working for at least the summer, more likely a year or two. But after that I want to travel, like long term travel or vacation. I want to go through Europe (maybe kidnap a Dane I know on the way), then down to Africa (Egypt especially, and perhaps S. Africa and Madagascar), then over to Australia (eventually see New Zealand as well).

So just had an interesting convo. with my sister - ending with laughter and uncontrollably contagious yawning (contagious via webcam!). That was fun.

And now it's time for me to stop putting off homework and just do it!

PS - I've just thought of something. Is it a worthy fate to sacrifice your own happiness for the happiness of another? What I mean to say is, if one person can only be happy through your own suffering, is it worth it? Does that make your suffering and sacrifice more worthwhile, and thus less of a sacrifice? Questions...

Snow!!!

First snow of the season has arrived, along with the ever-present maelstrom of uncertainty and confusion that is my life.

I really honestly can't tell what my emotional status is at the moment. Last night I was feeling hurt, betrayed, the whole shebang. But right now, either I'm just accepting the fact that every single bad prediction I make comes true, or I'm well and truly uncaring. Granted, these and other feelings will dissipate, I just sometimes I wish I wasn't always right. It's a pain.

But time heals all suffering right? It's just I swear when I'm finally being pulled out of the bad, whatever/whoever is helping me out decides to drop me back in, making it that much more difficult to bear. And really, I swear I'm not that bad! Yes I get depressed more often than usual nowadays, but I'm not always whining bitching moaning complaining. And while I realize that's all I seem to be doing in this blog lately, it's only because it's become my only outlet. I have to save the happy for facing daily life.

Am I happy? That's an interesting question I was just asked. I answered

well no, if im going to be perfectly honest i'm not happy, but im not wallowing in endless depression either at the moment i would say im mostly apathetic

So I'm not sure if that really answers it at the moment, but I've completely wasted my entire day so I guess I can't be all that complaintive (which is another word I believe I've just invented). So far I've watched the animated movie Anastasia, Tropic Thunder, and now just finished Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Now of course I think I had better first take a lovely shower and then get some homework done. It's so hard to get motivated nowadays, especially when you really have absolutely nothing to look forward to.

I was looking forward to an upcoming visit by a friend from Australia. He, like me, was one of the few unhappy with the return home and, again like me, wanted to go back to Australia. He no longer shares those sentiments so, while he's still coming to visit, it's almost unbearable. His presence will merely remind me that EVERYONE is capable of moving on, moving forward, becoming reasonably satisfied with their lives EXCEPT ME. And will throw it into my face at every moment I am doomed to spend in his company. That, among other feelings I am now anticipating. Although I now no longer feel compelled to go out of my way during his visit. I was planning on taking 2 days off of classes while he was here but now I'm debating just leaving him with my parents and letting him figure it out for himself. Why should I go through any hardship for him when he was so unwilling and incapable to do so for me? Ouch... bitter angry Kat is making an appearance. No wonder people can't stand me. And there was self-loathing Kat! Multiple personalities anyone?

Right so let's just accept the fact that I've been riding an emotional roller coaster since the most stressful event in my life ie the plane ride from Perth to Sydney. And while I may say it was the most stressful event in my life, you may not believe me or believe me to be exaggerating to prove a point. But the point is, that one event was stressful enough to throw off my periodic cycle, a feat that has NEVER been accomplished by any other event in my lifetime.

I don't know really who needed to know that, other than those who already did, but to be honest I'm feeling insanely pathetic, and really I have been feeling pathetic for a long while now. And I know now that I can't rely on anyone else to break me out of this pattern. I need to break free by myself, I just don't know how to.

So while my internet was out just there, I decided to take a shower. And while cleansing myself I came up with a wonderful fairy tale story that pretty much sums up the past few months. Would you like to hear it? Well I don't care if you would or not, no one's forcing you to read this! But yes, it's italicized below.

There once was a girl. A maiden, damsel, princess, whatever you want to call her. She wasn't pretty, she wasn't the most beautiful or desirable in the land, she was just a girl. She somehow managed to become locked in a castle guarded by a dragon, as tends to happen to many poor unfortunate fairy tale women.
So naturally, she begins staring out of the tower, searching for the "knight in shining armor" destined to rescue her. And of course, one comes along. But this isn't the knight she was hoping for, rather someone she had known from her previous life. This knight's armor isn't shining, but rather scorched, rusted, and dented. He attempts to rescue her, but she only feigns assistance. And, being rather difficult to rescue someone who is unwilling to become rescued, he fails in the attempt.
During his battle, the girl spots another knight on the horizon. This one fits her vision completely, his armor is shining bright as the sun, and he promises freedom from her bondage. While the knight in dented armor below struggles vainly to free her, she continues ignoring him and watching the horizon as her shining knight gets closer.
Along the way, she spots him stop, and talk to another girl. She thinks nothing of it, perhaps he is asking directions or he has surely had a long ride and is in need of sleep or refreshment. Her conscience niggles her though, she watches and her shining knight remains talking with the alternate peasant girl. "But, I'm the one in distress, I'm the one in need of rescuing" she thinks. And presently lets out such a moan of despair and woe that it travels across the land. The shining knight hears, remembers his purpose and his mission and away he rides towards the entrapped girl.
Meanwhile, the rusted knight hears her woe, redoubles his efforts believing himself to be to blame. She calls down to him, tells him he is not enough to save her, and she does not wish him to become destroyed on her behalf. After much argument, he finally seems to give up, and retreats.
She again looks to the castle steps, filled with the hope of seeing her shining knight riding up, ready to fight the dragon and win her freedom. Her hope is not realized. Looking out, she sees him again stopped, talking to the peasant girl again. She feels a great terror in her heart, why does he keep stopping? She realizes that to win her, the knight must face a dragon, whereas to win the peasant girl he merely has to take her upon his horse and ride off. But what does that mean? What kind of bond can be forged when no hardship is endured? She doesn't believe he would do such a thing, surely he realizes how worthy she is, how in fighting the dragon he wins so much more than he can possibly know of. But he lingers longer and longer, and this time though her despair is greater, her cry goes unheard. She sees him lift the peasant girl onto his horse, and he begins riding away. Only after a time does he look back and mouth "I'm sorry" in her direction, but what does that mean? He has abandoned her, showing her that really, she isn't worth the hassle, the hardship. Yes, it is a dragon barring his path, but to give up before even putting up a token fight? It went beyond cowardice, a betrayal that struck the girl into the deepest recesses of her soul.
Now what? she thinks to herself. Where does one go from here? She begins to realize that the knight in dented armor was ten times the worth of the other. His armor was dented, scorched, and rusty because he had shown bravery, throwing himself into battles fully and completely, proving his devotion and worthiness dozens of times over. The knight in shining armor had armor that was shiny because it had never been used. He had never put his armor to the test, merely worn it for show, not valor.
Because she had failed to see this from the beginning, all hope of rescue was now lost. How can she trust anyone now? If she gets her hopes up when she sees a knight on the horizon, how can she bear living if she is betrayed again? And how can she bear to live with herself knowing that she alone destroyed her best chance of rescue?
She then heard from below, the knight in dented armor calling up to her. He had never abandoned her, merely looked over and stayed to be sure she was safe, and rescued eventually. She thought about it to herself, and realized what she had to do. She did one of the hardest things she'd ever done, and again refused his offers of assistance. She tried to send him away, but eventually she knew he wouldn't go and was grateful for his presence. She still refused to let him rescue her however. Why? She finally realized, the time for knights rescuing girls, princesses, damsels, or what-have-you was over. It was time for this girl to rescue herself. It was time to face her dragon alone.


So so long so long and thanks for all the fish!

I Need a Resurrection

In Australia I had a marvelous opportunity that I finally took advantage of. I had the same opportunity going to high school, and then to college, but what held me back was the family constant. In Australia, I did not have that constant. Confused yet? The opportunity was the chance to rewrite myself, become more of who I wanted to be. Act like who I felt like inside. At home, in junior high, high school, and college I had written myself a long standing reputation of being a loner, antisocial, not needing or wanting millions of friends to hang out with all the time. And now I will be analyzing my life... feel free to ignore as necessary.

In junior high is where it began I think. This is the age when people first change, puberty is often to blame. This is when my best friends forever stopped being my best friends. Granted, they were my best friends by default, we lived near each other and that was that. Our interests separated, I was put in the advanced math class, and we didn't so much drift apart as were ripped apart by the seams. The hole was momentarily filled in junior high, but then the new friends went to a different high school and so I fell out of friendship with most of them as well (save for one dedicated friend, who I should do my damnedest to hang on to).

High school. For the first time in my life I was thrust into the public school system, terrified at the sheer numbers of people everywhere and coming into a class of over 500 knowing about 4. And the 4 I knew were not the good friends I had made in junior high, more just people I knew. So for a time I made one good friend in each class, and a few in my volleyball team. The problem with this strategy is that you don't stay in the same classes with the same people throughout high school. So I made a lot of good one-semester friends. I never really got incredibly close to hardly any of them. It was hard for me, because all of the friendships I had begun to make seemed to all have different groups they belonged to. There were the band friends I made, the choir ones, the honors classes ones, and I was just a drifter. People knew me, but no one would have considered me their best friend. I had someone I considered my best friend, but I never deluded myself into thinking I was hers as well. Which is and was a depressing thought. It seemed like everyone coming from the public middle schools had formed their cliques in middle school, and while there would have been ample room for me to join one, I wasn't sure of myself enough to ingratiate myself to more than one person at a time (generally speaking). So while I had a lot of friends in high school, I didn't do a lot of after-school hanging out with people (except for volleyball 9th and 10th grade and set/crew 11th and 12th grade) because I didn't feel like I knew them well enough and I didn't know enough people from any one group to feel comfortable... and thus my loner reputation (especially within my family and compared to my sisters) increased.

Then, my biggest opportunity to change came around as I headed off to college. Unfortunately, this is also the time when I first got my laptop and discovered the wonders of the internet. Moving in a week early also didn't really help, since it gave me a lot of very alone time to sit around and play my new obsession: runescape! Yes, I was an rs nerd. It made me feel less alone to sit there and chat with people from all over the world while also being entertained by a very simplistic game. And so I started my college life making friends online. My friends live in the internet! And sure, I made friends "for real" as well, including my now roommate who is one of my so-called best friends. But not a lot. Except for my "social" contacts in the internet of course, my college experience has been mostly well, lame. I continued the loner, antisocial stereotype that is Kat C. And while I was okay with it... eventually and occasionally I realized that this isn't how I wanted to live my life, I was okay with it but not happy with it, not enjoying life to the fullest. And it wasn't even that I was less social in order to focus on my schoolwork, nope I was just too busy playing stupid internet games and focusing on my "friends" there. Friends I'd never met and most of whom I never will. And people read this and think, how incredibly sad or lame. And I knew that, and I was ashamed of it, but still I clung to it because making friends in the real world was a lot harder for me. On the internet I could be outgoing and flirty because I knew that if they judged me in a way I didn't like I would never have to deal with them again. It was safe. Right, so then I mimicked my high school career and made semi-friends in all different areas instead of being the smart person and making good friends within my major. And since they were all just semi-friends for the most part, none of them remained on the "friends" classification once I had returned from Australia. It was like everyone was just absent, or I'd see them and it would be the polite conversation you have when you sort of know someone but don't really have any desire to catch up with them. And for some that wasn't true, but it seems like the majority of my friends circle has completely disappeared/changed since returning. And to top it off, those close friends I do still have, have made other close friends in my absence that have served to semi-replace me. Which, is understandable, but still not a wonderful feeling.

All of this has led to the antisocial loner you all see when you see me. Granted, those of you who I knew in Australia may not have seen this side of me (at least to its full extent, I'm sure quite a bit of it leaked out though). I just wish sometimes, no, I won't go there.

I think I need a change, I'm tired of just getting by and slogging through my life. I need to take charge of it and do something with it. I don't know quite what this means yet, but something needs to happen. I think it might turn into me working for a year or two here, living as cheap as I can and sorting out as much of my debt as I can, and just taking off and traveling the world. I need to see the world.

I feel like it's when I was working at McDonald's. I became afraid that if I stayed too long, I'd get sucked into it and never break free. Now though, its not McD's, it's my entire life. I want more, and I'm not trying to offend anyone by saying that, it's just how I've handled my life so far. I want to change it before I get stuck being like this forever. I'm going to do something with my life. I need to.

and i didn't know what low was until today

lol. funny right? seriously funny shit tonight. and yes that is blatant sarcasm. i don't even feel good enough to use capital letters, that's how down i am tonight. well the 180 degree switch around happened... and i thought i was being sarcastic when i mentioned the possibility! i can't keep doing this, seriously depressed one day, then happy for a day, torn in half again the next day. i knew that long distance relationships suck, suck really fucking hard, but there was a definite end in sight. it was assured to me there was, every time i suggested otherwise i was refuted instantly and assuredly until i stopped suggesting the possibility. apparently i was right. i hate being right. and so because of that, i find myself yet again not worth the trouble. i was also compared to someone hated by all... that was fun. and all of it came about because of me and my stupidity, granted it was the truth that i never suspected that i probably needed to hear. why does it always have to hurt so bad? i bet if i had access i could get drunk right now.

the escalator again. i had made a decision: i rode up the escalator with the plan to meet someone at the top, and together we would fight our way back down. something i couldn't do alone, and so held on to the hope of accomplishing it together. but now he switched escalators. his isn't leading the same place mine is now, he no longer feels the need the urge to fight his way back down. he no longer wants to wait to meet me at the top. i'm alone again, and not sure i can do it alone. lost on an escalator, not knowing where i'm going or who even gives a damn anymore.

why do i only want what i cannot have, and don't want what i can? self-doomed to be unhappy. at least if i moved to australia, no matter what happened then, i could say i did something with my life. i made a decision, a drastic life changing decision that no one could talk me out of. and maybe i'd be miserable there alone, but at least i'd have done something!

s or l. kiss or kill. i don't know which i'd prefer to do at the moment. probably a scary thought. i hate this, truly and deeply. i also feel like i'm getting dehydrated from the tears i've shed. only thing is, it's not entirely true. there is one time in my life where i know i felt lower than i do at this moment, and that was on saturday, june 15, 2008 when i boarded a plane from perth to sydney, sure in my heart that i'd never see them again. every day that passes makes that surety more real, and more difficult to bear.

i'm slowly losing everything that still matters to me... which at this point in time is a very short list.

that flickering candle on the horizon has gone out.

Home again

Well it's Saturday and I really don't have anything to say. But I did come home this weekend. Hitched a ride with Brandon from high school and got home last night to an almost empty house. My middle sister is in college, my youngest sister was at a volleyball tournament, my dad was up in Canada with my dog, and my mom was sleeping on the couch. After awhile last night we decided to go see a movie at Chateau (Sara met us there). We saw The Secret Life of Bees and it's really not about bees at all - it's more about racism in the south in the mid '60s. It was very moving and a tear-jerker and a lot better than I expected it to be.

Came back... and well, started to get lonely and jealous. Luckily that feeling was eradicated (for the most part) later but it was an interesting night. Also watched I Know Who Killed Me and was therefore up rather late last night.

Today I slept in fairly late, then got up, ate breakfast, watched the end of a Sci Fi movie, and now typing in my blog! Like I said... I really don't have anything to say but I felt like I should write something.

Now I'm heading down into the basement to look for a Halloween costume and set it up for when Alan comes to visit.

"Over the years my ass has taken a pounding" - Jim Carrey just said that in Me, Myself & Irene so I'm going to head down there now.

I wish my puppy was here - gives me a better reason to go outside for a walk. More motivation as well...

**Added later this night**

So I'm back from Culver's... a lovely 6 hours on my feet doing barely anything. Got back with aching feet, stinky, sweaty, smelling like a French fry. And of course, as per my usual luck, what I was looking forward to my whole long terrible night at work was missing when I came home. And still is... an hour and a half later. So, while last night was bad, and now I'm ticked again, but still feel guilty for being so. I mean... who am I to keep people from hanging with their friends? No one important apparently... sigh. I'm getting damn good at feeling sorry for myself thing. And I hate it. What the fuck bucket

It's a record!

Three blogs in three days, if anyone's reading these, they can die of shock right about now.

I have such a craving for something salty, but only thing i have to fulfill that craving are very stale Better Cheddars. Which I am now eating. Even though they are stale. Ugh.

Right, there was a purpose to this. Basically, last night was a bad night for Kat. As evident by the blog I posted. But as of this moment, assuming another 180 degree turn doesn't take place, it's ok now. Kat is okay now. She no longer feels like she was having a flashback of being "not worth the effort." Granted, she's probably still making a big mistake that she may later regret, but at least she feels better about herself. And that's the important thing right! Ok, so I'm conceited, but I don't care right now because the light's back on and things that were busted got mended and ok the painting that I've been working on pretty much sucks but still.

POINT OF THE STORY, that has been very vague for all of you because I don't want specifics leaking out to the general public, Kat is no longer in her spiralling madness, but instead is again looking forward to upcoming events. Yay.

That is all.

kick her while she's down

If there are divine entities controlling the fates of us lesser mortals, they have a rich sense of humor. I was sick on Wednesday, spewing nastiness from 4 separate parts of my body, in pain emotionally and physically, and while the physical pain and illness dissipated, the emotional pain merely keeps intensifying. Little things have done it so far, but tonight the so-called gods or Fate or whatever has decided to just kick me while I was on my way to getting back up. As sporadic as my newfound depression has been since Australia, I've had someone to talk to about it and commiserate with me and I probably still do. Around a month ago it was decided that I would have something to greatly look forward to in November, and while that specific action is still occurring... there is a great likelihood that it will no longer be as good as I hoped it would. My one light on the horizon, so to speak, is now more a dim candle that is flickering and threatening to go out. As hard as this has been for me to handle, why make it that much worse? And I've been taking it like a champ, not complaining to anyone, being supportive of people and their decisions, but now I have no one left to cry to, to rant to. No one except a blog online that millions could read, but no one does. And of course, while writing this, my roommate and a friend from down the hall are in my room getting ready to watch Sleeping Beauty, and while I could just tell them that I feel torn in two again, it would be meaningless. It's my own ridiculously stupid fault. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I suppose I deserve this, but it doesn't make it any easier. I kind of wish someone would come along and erase all my memories of Australia, then I wouldn't miss it so much. I also wish I could just get drunk like a normal person.

Right... depression sucks. And I don't have the full-blown, doctor diagnosed version of depression or anything, just the sadness life kinda sucks right now version. And I don't blame anyone for it but myself, but of course that only intensifies the poor feeling... but still, in case anyone in particular does venture to read this, know that I bear them no ill will.

I hate cramps as well, what a cruel trick to play on an already oppressed womankind.

Well my depression is lessening, as it always does eventually. I sometimes feel like every time I get overly sad like that, even after I get better, something is missing. A little piece of me dies, never to be happy again. Wow that's really over-dramatic, but true. And not like a huge part of me or anything drastic, but a tiny little piece. Maybe if I just did what I wished for earlier, and put Australia to the back of my mind, into the past where it belongs, then I could truly move on and think about my life here in Minnesota.

If McCain wins though, I'm not sure I'll want a future in Minnesota, or in the States for that matter.

I want a cuddle. A cuddle with someone who cares a lot about me and wants to be with me. Which, apparently, is a lot to ask for.

No, it's not really I suppose. It just so happens that my brain is malfunctioning, and only deems suitable partners that I cannot keep because they live in other states or countries. Just my brain telling me it's not satisfied where it is? Or maybe I'm just self-doomed to be unhappy.

I should be painting right now - I have so many things I need to be doing instead of being lazy and watching Disney movies and dragging myself down a losing spiral. I suppose I was reading over my notes for my upcoming test on Wednesday, but still. I haven't been half as productive as I should have. Tomorrow (well today) I need to complete two paintings, study for my test, read for Neuro, write some summaries, and perhaps do laundry and clean up a bit as well. And cut my toenails, but that's probably too much information.

God I miss Australia. And Flat 1, Room 2. And the absolute knowledge that no matter how bad things might be or get, I lived in a few perfect moments.

Here we go again...

So it's been a long time again. Not a whole lot has changed other than sometimes reality hits harder than at others. Most of the time it seems like I'm doing fine and moving forward. But at others, like just at this moment, it's a bit more difficult to accept the fact. I seriously wish sometimes that the past didn't have to stay in the past. But the future just keeps coming at us well me and there's nothing I can do to stop it. And sometimes that's not all that bad, I mean I am looking forward to seeing Wicked again and of course to see Alan. But it all just throws into sharp relief that I won't be seeing Kristin, Sarah, Main, and Michael anytime soon. I don't know why I hold these people in such high regard either. I mean they were great friends of mine during my stay in Australia, but I've known other friends much longer that I fail to keep in touch with. I guess while at home or in the States at least I have family to fall back on, whereas in Australia, my friends pretty much WERE my family. So they were the only ones I had and so I relied on them completely. And now that I don't have them anymore, coming back to what I do have is great, but not enough. I want everything, I want to live my spoiled little life where everyone I love is there and loves me back, but that's not the way the world works. Everyone is moving on, moving forward, even me. It just seems like I'm the only one who is regretting this, wishing that I would stay miserable in order to ensure change. If I stay unhappy as I am, I'm more likely to do something drastic to get my life back in order and fix things that are broken. But for now, the only one who feels as miserable as I do is Alan, and while that has forged a certain bond between us, I wonder sometimes at how that will work out. What's going to happen? Is my future going to reflect my past? Do I still really want it to? And why does no one else feel this on their own? Alan had reason to feel this, a concrete influence that caused this feeling, without which he would probably feel as the others do: That everything was great in Australia but the real world is back and it's a great place to be. I'm the only one who feels this unprovoked. Although perhaps unprovoked is a bit too strong, there was provocation, but the same was felt by others. I should be done with this rant now, I can't take it any further.

So apparently people had good excuses for not talking to me earlier, not picking up the phones or calling me back. But really only two people did, and the rest of them just hate me. Go emo Kat go! Stupid people being online and ignoring Kat. Stupid people not answering their phones. Yay good people for being at class and work and coming back or calling Kat back - you know who you are!

Right, end of emo-time. So I took a Neuro test last Thursday - that was fun. I didn't do to well on it, but not too poorly either so I guess it evens out. Then of course I turned in my Neuro paper on Monday and haven't done a thing productive since. I have paintings to do and sculptures to create but instead I've been watching movies, watching the 4400, playing games, talking on the phone, updating my blog, well you get the gist of it.

So now I'm on the phone so I'm going to cut this off after not really having said much. Yay random Kat brain.