Friday, October 10, 2008

Here we go again...

So it's been a long time again. Not a whole lot has changed other than sometimes reality hits harder than at others. Most of the time it seems like I'm doing fine and moving forward. But at others, like just at this moment, it's a bit more difficult to accept the fact. I seriously wish sometimes that the past didn't have to stay in the past. But the future just keeps coming at us well me and there's nothing I can do to stop it. And sometimes that's not all that bad, I mean I am looking forward to seeing Wicked again and of course to see Alan. But it all just throws into sharp relief that I won't be seeing Kristin, Sarah, Main, and Michael anytime soon. I don't know why I hold these people in such high regard either. I mean they were great friends of mine during my stay in Australia, but I've known other friends much longer that I fail to keep in touch with. I guess while at home or in the States at least I have family to fall back on, whereas in Australia, my friends pretty much WERE my family. So they were the only ones I had and so I relied on them completely. And now that I don't have them anymore, coming back to what I do have is great, but not enough. I want everything, I want to live my spoiled little life where everyone I love is there and loves me back, but that's not the way the world works. Everyone is moving on, moving forward, even me. It just seems like I'm the only one who is regretting this, wishing that I would stay miserable in order to ensure change. If I stay unhappy as I am, I'm more likely to do something drastic to get my life back in order and fix things that are broken. But for now, the only one who feels as miserable as I do is Alan, and while that has forged a certain bond between us, I wonder sometimes at how that will work out. What's going to happen? Is my future going to reflect my past? Do I still really want it to? And why does no one else feel this on their own? Alan had reason to feel this, a concrete influence that caused this feeling, without which he would probably feel as the others do: That everything was great in Australia but the real world is back and it's a great place to be. I'm the only one who feels this unprovoked. Although perhaps unprovoked is a bit too strong, there was provocation, but the same was felt by others. I should be done with this rant now, I can't take it any further.

So apparently people had good excuses for not talking to me earlier, not picking up the phones or calling me back. But really only two people did, and the rest of them just hate me. Go emo Kat go! Stupid people being online and ignoring Kat. Stupid people not answering their phones. Yay good people for being at class and work and coming back or calling Kat back - you know who you are!

Right, end of emo-time. So I took a Neuro test last Thursday - that was fun. I didn't do to well on it, but not too poorly either so I guess it evens out. Then of course I turned in my Neuro paper on Monday and haven't done a thing productive since. I have paintings to do and sculptures to create but instead I've been watching movies, watching the 4400, playing games, talking on the phone, updating my blog, well you get the gist of it.

So now I'm on the phone so I'm going to cut this off after not really having said much. Yay random Kat brain.

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