I really honestly can't tell what my emotional status is at the moment. Last night I was feeling hurt, betrayed, the whole shebang. But right now, either I'm just accepting the fact that every single bad prediction I make comes true, or I'm well and truly uncaring. Granted, these and other feelings will dissipate, I just sometimes I wish I wasn't always right. It's a pain.
But time heals all suffering right? It's just I swear when I'm finally being pulled out of the bad, whatever/whoever is helping me out decides to drop me back in, making it that much more difficult to bear. And really, I swear I'm not that bad! Yes I get depressed more often than usual nowadays, but I'm not always whining bitching moaning complaining. And while I realize that's all I seem to be doing in this blog lately, it's only because it's become my only outlet. I have to save the happy for facing daily life.
Am I happy? That's an interesting question I was just asked. I answered
|well no, if im going to be perfectly honest i'm not happy, but im not wallowing in endless depression either at the moment i would say im mostly apathetic|
So I'm not sure if that really answers it at the moment, but I've completely wasted my entire day so I guess I can't be all that complaintive (which is another word I believe I've just invented). So far I've watched the animated movie Anastasia, Tropic Thunder, and now just finished Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
Now of course I think I had better first take a lovely shower and then get some homework done. It's so hard to get motivated nowadays, especially when you really have absolutely nothing to look forward to.
I was looking forward to an upcoming visit by a friend from Australia. He, like me, was one of the few unhappy with the return home and, again like me, wanted to go back to Australia. He no longer shares those sentiments so, while he's still coming to visit, it's almost unbearable. His presence will merely remind me that EVERYONE is capable of moving on, moving forward, becoming reasonably satisfied with their lives EXCEPT ME. And will throw it into my face at every moment I am doomed to spend in his company. That, among other feelings I am now anticipating. Although I now no longer feel compelled to go out of my way during his visit. I was planning on taking 2 days off of classes while he was here but now I'm debating just leaving him with my parents and letting him figure it out for himself. Why should I go through any hardship for him when he was so unwilling and incapable to do so for me? Ouch... bitter angry Kat is making an appearance. No wonder people can't stand me. And there was self-loathing Kat! Multiple personalities anyone?
Right so let's just accept the fact that I've been riding an emotional roller coaster since the most stressful event in my life ie the plane ride from Perth to Sydney. And while I may say it was the most stressful event in my life, you may not believe me or believe me to be exaggerating to prove a point. But the point is, that one event was stressful enough to throw off my periodic cycle, a feat that has NEVER been accomplished by any other event in my lifetime.
I don't know really who needed to know that, other than those who already did, but to be honest I'm feeling insanely pathetic, and really I have been feeling pathetic for a long while now. And I know now that I can't rely on anyone else to break me out of this pattern. I need to break free by myself, I just don't know how to.
So while my internet was out just there, I decided to take a shower. And while cleansing myself I came up with a wonderful fairy tale story that pretty much sums up the past few months. Would you like to hear it? Well I don't care if you would or not, no one's forcing you to read this! But yes, it's italicized below.
There once was a girl. A maiden, damsel, princess, whatever you want to call her. She wasn't pretty, she wasn't the most beautiful or desirable in the land, she was just a girl. She somehow managed to become locked in a castle guarded by a dragon, as tends to happen to many poor unfortunate fairy tale women.
So naturally, she begins staring out of the tower, searching for the "knight in shining armor" destined to rescue her. And of course, one comes along. But this isn't the knight she was hoping for, rather someone she had known from her previous life. This knight's armor isn't shining, but rather scorched, rusted, and dented. He attempts to rescue her, but she only feigns assistance. And, being rather difficult to rescue someone who is unwilling to become rescued, he fails in the attempt.
During his battle, the girl spots another knight on the horizon. This one fits her vision completely, his armor is shining bright as the sun, and he promises freedom from her bondage. While the knight in dented armor below struggles vainly to free her, she continues ignoring him and watching the horizon as her shining knight gets closer.
Along the way, she spots him stop, and talk to another girl. She thinks nothing of it, perhaps he is asking directions or he has surely had a long ride and is in need of sleep or refreshment. Her conscience niggles her though, she watches and her shining knight remains talking with the alternate peasant girl. "But, I'm the one in distress, I'm the one in need of rescuing" she thinks. And presently lets out such a moan of despair and woe that it travels across the land. The shining knight hears, remembers his purpose and his mission and away he rides towards the entrapped girl.
Meanwhile, the rusted knight hears her woe, redoubles his efforts believing himself to be to blame. She calls down to him, tells him he is not enough to save her, and she does not wish him to become destroyed on her behalf. After much argument, he finally seems to give up, and retreats.
She again looks to the castle steps, filled with the hope of seeing her shining knight riding up, ready to fight the dragon and win her freedom. Her hope is not realized. Looking out, she sees him again stopped, talking to the peasant girl again. She feels a great terror in her heart, why does he keep stopping? She realizes that to win her, the knight must face a dragon, whereas to win the peasant girl he merely has to take her upon his horse and ride off. But what does that mean? What kind of bond can be forged when no hardship is endured? She doesn't believe he would do such a thing, surely he realizes how worthy she is, how in fighting the dragon he wins so much more than he can possibly know of. But he lingers longer and longer, and this time though her despair is greater, her cry goes unheard. She sees him lift the peasant girl onto his horse, and he begins riding away. Only after a time does he look back and mouth "I'm sorry" in her direction, but what does that mean? He has abandoned her, showing her that really, she isn't worth the hassle, the hardship. Yes, it is a dragon barring his path, but to give up before even putting up a token fight? It went beyond cowardice, a betrayal that struck the girl into the deepest recesses of her soul.
Now what? she thinks to herself. Where does one go from here? She begins to realize that the knight in dented armor was ten times the worth of the other. His armor was dented, scorched, and rusty because he had shown bravery, throwing himself into battles fully and completely, proving his devotion and worthiness dozens of times over. The knight in shining armor had armor that was shiny because it had never been used. He had never put his armor to the test, merely worn it for show, not valor.
Because she had failed to see this from the beginning, all hope of rescue was now lost. How can she trust anyone now? If she gets her hopes up when she sees a knight on the horizon, how can she bear living if she is betrayed again? And how can she bear to live with herself knowing that she alone destroyed her best chance of rescue?
She then heard from below, the knight in dented armor calling up to her. He had never abandoned her, merely looked over and stayed to be sure she was safe, and rescued eventually. She thought about it to herself, and realized what she had to do. She did one of the hardest things she'd ever done, and again refused his offers of assistance. She tried to send him away, but eventually she knew he wouldn't go and was grateful for his presence. She still refused to let him rescue her however. Why? She finally realized, the time for knights rescuing girls, princesses, damsels, or what-have-you was over. It was time for this girl to rescue herself. It was time to face her dragon alone.
So so long so long and thanks for all the fish!