Sunday, October 12, 2008

kick her while she's down

If there are divine entities controlling the fates of us lesser mortals, they have a rich sense of humor. I was sick on Wednesday, spewing nastiness from 4 separate parts of my body, in pain emotionally and physically, and while the physical pain and illness dissipated, the emotional pain merely keeps intensifying. Little things have done it so far, but tonight the so-called gods or Fate or whatever has decided to just kick me while I was on my way to getting back up. As sporadic as my newfound depression has been since Australia, I've had someone to talk to about it and commiserate with me and I probably still do. Around a month ago it was decided that I would have something to greatly look forward to in November, and while that specific action is still occurring... there is a great likelihood that it will no longer be as good as I hoped it would. My one light on the horizon, so to speak, is now more a dim candle that is flickering and threatening to go out. As hard as this has been for me to handle, why make it that much worse? And I've been taking it like a champ, not complaining to anyone, being supportive of people and their decisions, but now I have no one left to cry to, to rant to. No one except a blog online that millions could read, but no one does. And of course, while writing this, my roommate and a friend from down the hall are in my room getting ready to watch Sleeping Beauty, and while I could just tell them that I feel torn in two again, it would be meaningless. It's my own ridiculously stupid fault. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I suppose I deserve this, but it doesn't make it any easier. I kind of wish someone would come along and erase all my memories of Australia, then I wouldn't miss it so much. I also wish I could just get drunk like a normal person.

Right... depression sucks. And I don't have the full-blown, doctor diagnosed version of depression or anything, just the sadness life kinda sucks right now version. And I don't blame anyone for it but myself, but of course that only intensifies the poor feeling... but still, in case anyone in particular does venture to read this, know that I bear them no ill will.

I hate cramps as well, what a cruel trick to play on an already oppressed womankind.

Well my depression is lessening, as it always does eventually. I sometimes feel like every time I get overly sad like that, even after I get better, something is missing. A little piece of me dies, never to be happy again. Wow that's really over-dramatic, but true. And not like a huge part of me or anything drastic, but a tiny little piece. Maybe if I just did what I wished for earlier, and put Australia to the back of my mind, into the past where it belongs, then I could truly move on and think about my life here in Minnesota.

If McCain wins though, I'm not sure I'll want a future in Minnesota, or in the States for that matter.

I want a cuddle. A cuddle with someone who cares a lot about me and wants to be with me. Which, apparently, is a lot to ask for.

No, it's not really I suppose. It just so happens that my brain is malfunctioning, and only deems suitable partners that I cannot keep because they live in other states or countries. Just my brain telling me it's not satisfied where it is? Or maybe I'm just self-doomed to be unhappy.

I should be painting right now - I have so many things I need to be doing instead of being lazy and watching Disney movies and dragging myself down a losing spiral. I suppose I was reading over my notes for my upcoming test on Wednesday, but still. I haven't been half as productive as I should have. Tomorrow (well today) I need to complete two paintings, study for my test, read for Neuro, write some summaries, and perhaps do laundry and clean up a bit as well. And cut my toenails, but that's probably too much information.

God I miss Australia. And Flat 1, Room 2. And the absolute knowledge that no matter how bad things might be or get, I lived in a few perfect moments.

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