Sunday, October 19, 2008

and i didn't know what low was until today

lol. funny right? seriously funny shit tonight. and yes that is blatant sarcasm. i don't even feel good enough to use capital letters, that's how down i am tonight. well the 180 degree switch around happened... and i thought i was being sarcastic when i mentioned the possibility! i can't keep doing this, seriously depressed one day, then happy for a day, torn in half again the next day. i knew that long distance relationships suck, suck really fucking hard, but there was a definite end in sight. it was assured to me there was, every time i suggested otherwise i was refuted instantly and assuredly until i stopped suggesting the possibility. apparently i was right. i hate being right. and so because of that, i find myself yet again not worth the trouble. i was also compared to someone hated by all... that was fun. and all of it came about because of me and my stupidity, granted it was the truth that i never suspected that i probably needed to hear. why does it always have to hurt so bad? i bet if i had access i could get drunk right now.

the escalator again. i had made a decision: i rode up the escalator with the plan to meet someone at the top, and together we would fight our way back down. something i couldn't do alone, and so held on to the hope of accomplishing it together. but now he switched escalators. his isn't leading the same place mine is now, he no longer feels the need the urge to fight his way back down. he no longer wants to wait to meet me at the top. i'm alone again, and not sure i can do it alone. lost on an escalator, not knowing where i'm going or who even gives a damn anymore.

why do i only want what i cannot have, and don't want what i can? self-doomed to be unhappy. at least if i moved to australia, no matter what happened then, i could say i did something with my life. i made a decision, a drastic life changing decision that no one could talk me out of. and maybe i'd be miserable there alone, but at least i'd have done something!

s or l. kiss or kill. i don't know which i'd prefer to do at the moment. probably a scary thought. i hate this, truly and deeply. i also feel like i'm getting dehydrated from the tears i've shed. only thing is, it's not entirely true. there is one time in my life where i know i felt lower than i do at this moment, and that was on saturday, june 15, 2008 when i boarded a plane from perth to sydney, sure in my heart that i'd never see them again. every day that passes makes that surety more real, and more difficult to bear.

i'm slowly losing everything that still matters to me... which at this point in time is a very short list.

that flickering candle on the horizon has gone out.

1 comment:

ECL 1996 said...

I remember feeling a feeling akin to that the last time I left Spain... I was 17 - I had to return to finish high school. It ripped my heart out... but it had to be done.

Time has passed, I realize now how irrational my emotions were at the time... and that life and fate have lead me to a much more meaningful place.