Back 2 Good

There's a music video at the end of this post. Okay the video is weird, but focus on the music and the lyrics. At least most of the lyrics, some are strangely unrelated.

Despite how the lyrics go, and the fact that part of me is still, like this morning, aching to get things "back to good" a bigger part of me has found acceptance (yet again). Of course this could just be me going through another high (I did work out again tonight) but I'll take it while I can get it.

Work today was less than thrilling, the most exciting thing we did was xray the cognition/fracture mice that are still around for unknown reasons.

After work, I was supposed to go to Minnehaha Falls with Sybylla and Vicki, but we had to reschedule due to the rain and freezing cold. So I was getting really down and depressed (see previous post) and was wandering around Facebook when I started chatting with Amanda (former coworker at the VA). And she totally understood what I was going through and offered to meet me after work so we could hang out and chat. I gladly accepted and so after work we met at the Cardinal (after she got a bit lost on the way). We ate food (mini corn dogs and nachos) and had a beer or two (I had 1 thanks) and chatted about all sorts of things.

Ok, let's be honest, I chatted about my feelings and about the shit that's fucked up in my life and why Tom was treating me like a big pile of dog shit. Because he is. Because you don't care for someone, say you need a break but you won't be seeing anyone, and then turn around and start dating someone else. Even if you wanted to start dating someone, if you respected the person who's heart you just broke, you would wait until, I don't know, at least a month had passed. Not a week or two. And she understood that rationally I know I should hate him, but I don't. She understood that I'm still at the stage where I would do anything, anything, to have him back, even after the bullshit. She's the only person so far that gets it, and it was such a relief to be able to talk to someone about it. Everyone else has tried to speak only to my rational side, trying to convince my emotional side that it should just shut up and go hide in a corner, she's the only one who really knew what I was going through and that it was just going to take some time to move on.

Okay so I'm like singing her praises here, it's not that the rest of the people I've talked to don't care or haven't helped, it's just none of them have been in a similar situation. That experience, coming from someone else, was just really helpful.

After that I had her drop me off at the VA and then I grabbed my stuff and went to the employee fitness center and again took out frustrations on the exercise equipment while watching the Twins game. It sucked because sometime between leaving the Cardinal and arriving at the VA they went from winning 1-0 to losing 1-5, and never managed to recover (they scored one more run but lost 2-5).

After that I rode my bike home (I had the lights on and the streets are well lit!) and came upstairs and started writing in here (the song from the video was the last one that played on my MP3 player and just felt really right).

Mid writing, I discovered something. I am feeling the pains of a broken heart, and the even sharper pains of realizing that the one who broke it neither misses me nor cares about what they did. That wasn't the entire realization, the rest was that this is so new and painful to me because I've always been lucky enough to be on the breaking side of things rather than the broken. I mean I've felt like my heart was broken, felt pain even if I was doing the breaking, but never really truly understood it until now. It is a horrible realization to discover that the one you love doesn't feel that way about you anymore, and if you're the one who no longer feels that bond you don't realize how strong it remains in the other person. I guess I just assumed that, with time, their bond would lessen as mine had and they would move on and become whole again.

Sometimes I'm sure that's how it works.

But not always.

I hope that's not me, for my own sake. I guess I'm a selfish creature at heart, I want my life back to how it was because I see now how much better it was. I don't really care if he's happier without me, because my mind can't fathom how it could be so. If I really cared about him, the way some people cared about me, I would want him to be happy even if it wasn't with me.

Maybe someday I'll get to that point, it's just too soon.

Much much too soon.

So for all you avid readers out there I hope you enjoyed my latest realization, I'm still in a phase but it will pass eventually (if I'm lucky).

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6 months

6 months ago today I was excitedly waiting for the work day to end so I could go on my first date with the cute guy I met at orientation. My coworkers and I were excited about it and they were giving me tips as to how I would tell if it was a date or not, how to gauge his reaction to the date, whether or not I should offer to pay, etc and so on. I was also a bit nervous, but mostly excited and most likely spent a good part of the day texting my upcoming date.

Today has not been quite so fun. While attempting to act lighthearted and happy, inside all I can think about is why can't I go back to 6 months ago? My coworkers are gone so there's no one I can chat with about these sorts of things, it's raining outside, my roommate wants me to get rid of Mal, and Tom no longer wants to talk to me, see me, love me, be with me. Not to mention I haven't been sleeping or eating well lately. Yay depression!

Yesterday after work I went to the VA employee fitness center and took out my frustrations on the exercise equipment there. It gave me a good endorphin high right up until the time my roommate told me I had to get rid of my mouse, and then I crashed again. Seriously this emotional roller coaster is grinding away at my nerves!

I wish today I could go on another first date with Tom, change the TV show and the movie maybe, but just start over with him and watch it work out better this time.

Don't hate me for that please. I know all of you are sick and tired of me whining about how I want Tom back and everyone has attempted to convince me that we need time and space and if it's meant to work out it will, but today was supposed to be a special day. And all I want is that back. I want to make a taco ring and snuggle up on the couch with him and watch TV together as it rains outside.

Whatever I want to do, is the wrong thing to do. What my emotions are telling me to do will only further hurt myself and the others who have to deal with the broken version of me.

It must be nice to have a rebound ready to go when you end it with someone. Then you can transfer all your feelings and emotional ties from the old to the new and not have to deal with the heartbreak and loneliness in between.

I miss his smile. I miss his being happy and excited to talk to me.

Why can't someone invent me a time machine already?

Happy Mother's Day

Friday night I went out with Vicki and Sybylla to meet a bunch of people from college and have dinner at a fancy Italian place at the MoA. It was mostly in honor of Sarah (who lives in Seattle) coming into town to visit GAC on Saturday. It was a late dinner but really delicious (I had cheese ravioli).

On Saturday Megan picked me up around noon and we headed down to Rochester to surprise mom for Mother's Day. Got home, walked in, and dad didn't even flinch. We hadn't told anyone we were coming but he barely even reacted lol. Then we went down to the basement (where mom was) and she saw us and we hugged and she got so emotional she cried a little. Which means we win (coming home was a good surprise). Sara was getting ready for prom and then they went out to go to the Grand March and take pictures and dad and I went out around Rochester looking at cars. Unfortunately no one was open but we found a couple that looked good from the outside. Eventually we headed to a restaurant and waited for mom and Megan to get back from picture taking. We all then ate (delicious) and then went home. Megan and mom were supposed to stop at a Redbox or something like it and get Iron Man to watch but it was all out so instead they got Nine (musical movie thing). It was so long and boring, it was over halfway done and I was still waiting for the plot to start! Afterwards we watched SNL with Betty White and it was pretty funny. Still not a fan of some of the skits but she was pretty funny.

Sunday I slept in, and woke up to dad making us breakfast (eggs and bacon and toast). Mostly wasted away the morning, until Megan and I and dad moved up the 2 twin beds up to my room (or as it's now known as the spare bedroom). Strangely enough Jackie had decided to come up to Rochester from Chicago this weekend as well so she came over to say hi to Belle and the fam and then we went out to our usual Dairy Queen and chatted, it was good but cut too short because I was under the impression our fam was doing something for Mother's Day and she had some errands to run with her fam. Short but sweet visit, and a probably much needed pep talk as well.

Megan drove me back up to Minneapolis and then Vicki picked me up around 6pm to go see Avatar at the Riverview with her, Sybylla, and Sybylla's mom. Good movie, as always, and again better to see on the big screen.

Got home and have wasted most of my night doing who knows what.

As far as my emotional state goes, well that's my business again and you'll have to talk to me to find out :P

Dead Like Me

So today I have spent the majority of my time watching a tv series recommended to me by 2 people called Dead Like Me.

I have seriously been enjoying it and it has actually made me feel better. The main character dies in the pilot episode (don't worry, I didn't spoil anything) and so far has spent the rest of her time questioning why what happened to her happened to her and why she has to do what she has to do. She keeps trying to cheat the system, to put things in her life back the way they were or just to try to make things better, but every time she tries something goes drastically wrong. Her "mentor" lets just say continues to support her but by telling her that things are the way they are and sometimes you just can't change it but have to accept it and live with it.

Not sure if you all get why this has helped me, but I guess part of it is coming to accept my life for what it is now, not for what it was a month ago or what it was supposed to be like now. I'm still not happy with the way things are, obviously and neither is Georgia (main character) but I'm learning to cope with it and accept it for what it is.

Just now in the episode I'm watching there's a quotation I'd like to share.

"You want to be a bowling pin your whole life? Just standing there, perfectly content to be knocked down time and time again? Or would you rather be the ball? I gotta tell ya, being the ball feels a hell of a lot better."

That's all. For now at least.

it's ME again!

I'm posting like a crazy maniac these days. But I'm drunk again so that calls for a post!

Dude I'm looking at an MSN ad for "TomKat's sexy dance" apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did some sort of benefit dance...

Weird because I used to be half of "TomKat".

So after my post last night etc I was planning on going out tonight (actually been planning to for awhile now but yea). So I was all in a down mood because I knew Tom was going out too (to the same place course) and after yesterday's fiasco and then my sudden cutoff I just was not looking forward to seeing the fucker.

But then, after work, something very unexpected happened.

The fucker called me. And I didn't know who it was cuz I deleted his contact info so it just popped up with the number lol. He hasn't called me in forever, except for the one time when he called me back cuz he accidently hung up on me.

He wanted to tell me that he finally decided on a good reason for dumping me (since he obviously wasn't telling the truth about not wanting to be seeing anyone etc). It is because he thinks we have no future, that my life is going in a different direction, and that it would be easier to end it now than in 6 months so thats why he did it.

Meantime I was thinking, wtf? Did you finally come up with an excuse that won't backfire on you? And if that was really the reason then why didn't we just talk about it and come to some sort of mutual decision instead of you just making assumptions and concluding stuff on your own?

Not really sure how I actually responded.

Think I was mostly just incredulous.

Then we talked for awhile after, and the weirdest thing was that it wasn't weird. It was just us talking, about random shit and even about some of the drama, but I was finally rational and not letting my emotions rule my actions and so it was a nice conversation.

Eventually he had to hang up, and then I was left feeling... weird. I had come to a decision right, but then he threw me a curve ball and now all I wanted to do was talk about his new reason for having dumped me and why it was a stupid reason and why we should give it another try. Which was in complete conflict with my firm resolve to just get over the asshole because he's not worth the shit I've been through the past 3 weeks. He had said we could finish the conversation tonight, because we were both going out, but I still didn't know what conversation with him I wanted to have.

He didn't see a future with me because he saw me leaving and wanted to dump me now before I dumped him later. That's what I got from what he told me. Of course this is his what, 3rd? reason for dumping me so even though I believe him part of me wonders if I should.

I'm still confused. It doesn't matter what I say or do anymore, it's clear he doesn't want me back, but I still want to convince him he was wrong. That if that is his real reason, he was a fool. I never hid the fact that I wanted something more in my life, that I wanted to get out and travel and maybe even move somewhere warmer. But I said that same thing when I was looking at colleges and ended up in St. Peter, MN (love GAC but it wasn't quite the school in FL I was looking at for awhile).

All my actual future plans revolved around him. Pathetic yes, but he made me happy and that's all I care about right now. I just want to be happy with my life. He always told me to not plan my career or my life around him and really I didn't but when balancing out the good and the bad with my job and my life in Minneapolis, the good of being with Tom outweighed any of the bad weird situation with my coworkers and the freezing cold MN weather. Obviously I didn't do a very good job showing that.

My future plans involved watching him play softball this summer, going to see some Twins games at Target Field with him, helping him tear down the Winnie the Pooh wallpaper and paint the room, even moving in with him in either a house or an apartment. I told him I had to wait until we'd been together at least 6 months before we did and that was my plan... to talk to him about it after 6 months...

Still not sure what I'm thinking right now. I'm not super emotional which is good, but I just don't know what to think.

There's still this big gaping hole that's begging me to do whatever it takes to win him back, even though I have no idea what that could possibly be.

Anyway, back to my life. Went out tonight with Liisa and we totally got to the bar at least an hour before karaoke was supposed to start and like 2 hours before most of the people we knew showed up (other than Rachael of course). So we got a big booth next to the stage (we figured as people came they could pile into the booth) and then ordered some nachos and waited for the party to start.

Rachael arrived and got busy setting up and we talked to some of her friends. Then at some point I noticed some familiar looking faces at a table across the bar - Lori and some other people I'd seen around. Then Tom and his new roommate Carlos walked in. And headed straight for Lori's table. Feelings of isolation crept in and so Liisa and I moved to a smaller booth next to their table and were still completely ignored. I had already nursed one beer down and so then I ordered another and Liisa timed me to see how fast I could chug it (57 seconds woot). Then I was feeling better and so just walked up to the table and started chatting with Tom, Carlos, and Lori. Eventually Tom and I went out to get my stuff out of his car and put it in Liisa's.

I was definitely tipsy at this point, and thought it was the perfect opportunity to talk to Tom about his newfound "reason" and of course why it was complete BS and couldn't he see how happy he'd be with me again? I think he saw it coming though (hell I can't keep a secret when I'm sober much less intoxicated). So he managed to evade my prying questions and keep focussed on the task at hand.

I went back to my booth and he back to his table and I felt lonely again. Liisa was busy texting people and Matt the Cowboy wanted to tell me all about his baby mama drama but all I wanted to do was talk to Tom. So instead I waited for drinks to drop in price (happy hour?) and then had another beer.

Liisa wanted to get outside for some fresh air so I went with her just as Tom went up to sing his song (it wasn't planned but how fortuitous). <-- I just used "fortuitous" in a sentence while intoxicated. I totally rock.

So we were hanging out outside by the fireplace when Liisa nudges me and goes "Tom's looking for you." And I looked and in fact Tom was poking his head out of the front door and then turned, went back in, and came out onto the patio where we were. Granted he just borrowed a cig from Liisa and that's probably all he wanted but it again made me happy. Like when he called me. Unexpected little happy shots. And we all chatted outside for awhile until I had to go to the bathroom too badly to wait any longer.

I might be mixing up the timeline of events here, because I'm pretty sure the patio scene happened after I chugged the 2nd beer (57 seconds! still proud of that time), but whatever, it doesn't matter.

I spent a good bit of the night chatting with Carlos (he's pretty cool) and "sexy" (I gave her the sexy title on Saturday) Lori (also pretty cool but I think she'd rather avoid me). Went back to Liisa at some point, but was kind of zoned by then and didn't really focus on much. Went back up to Tom's table because he and Carlos were about to head out and tried to convince them to stay longer.

Eventually they left though, but not before I finally got back the hat Tom had given me (and then took back). My aquarium full of stuff is sitting on my floor, I'm going to have to ask Tom about the McD's coke glass (he broke one of mine and offered to give me his instead, at the time I said don't worry about it because I was still operating under the assumption that we'd be moving in together and so it wouldn't matter if I had it or he did, but I sort of want it now since I have so few big glasses).

I'm really tired right now. I didn't end up singing any karaoke tonight, but I'm guessing it will happen sooner rather than later!

My conclusion for the night is that I still like Tom. Well okay I still love Tom. And I still want him back. But if I can't then I'll be okay. I would be happier with, but I can deal without.

I still think if we tried again it would make me and him both happier people. And I still think that if we tried and it failed again at least I would know why and not be so caught up with all the nonessential and unreal and unbelievable reasons for why what happened happened. I think I could handle it better, knowing that at least I did my best and it wasn't meant to be.

It still feels unfinished, because I still feel that the 2nd try is warranted. That we deserve a 2nd try.

But I probably just need to face reality and move on.

It's hard to come to a conclusion when you're own self is so conflicted.

I'm DONE

I'm slightly inebriated now (such a lightweight) and so I'm not sure how I'll feel about this post tomorrow but hey whatever.

I love Tom. That is a fact. Another fact is that he does not love me.

I pretty much assaulted him after work today demanding to know the truth and all I got were half-truths and silence. Instead of making him man up and tell me the truth I broke down and pretty much begged him to take me back. Even though he's already dating someone else. Even though he doesn't give a shit about anyone, including himself, least of all me. Even though I care about him more than he possibly realizes. Where was I going with this?

Oh right. He finally managed to escape, running away as always, and then I was broken again. And alone.

So I called Megan and Jackie and balled to them, telling them my story and how all I wanted was to get him back no matter how illogical and irrational it was.

Luckily today was my first kickball game on Jordan's team. So after my hours of crying, going through half a kleenex box at least, Jordan and Megan and I went out to the field (about 10 blocks away). Unfortunately the umpire didn't show and there weren't any real bases on the field so the other team elected to go out to the bar instead. Our team, the Thirsty Camels, just split into two and played against ourselves. It was freezing cold and windy though, but it was still fun.

Afterwards about half or a third of the team headed out to the local bar that sponsors the team (Cloggy's?? something like that) and had a few beers. I had 2 ... hence the slight inebriation.

During the game, I made the decision to cut Tom out of my life. All he's doing now is making me miserable, first giving me the hope that I could win him back and then spitting on the hole that used to be my heart by seeing someone else mere days after dumping me.

So I deleted his contact information from my phone. Yet I still have his number because on December 27, 2009 he sent me two text messages that made me so happy I locked them and can't bear to delete them even now.

I should defriend him, cut down on the FB stalking, but I'm not sure I can handle it. Even now I'm halfway to tears.

Part of me is still convinced this is all a nightmare, that will just keep getting worse because I'm about to wake up and realize my life hasn't changed so drastically. But then I realize that I am awake, and this is my life. I can either live it or waste it crying over someone who couldn't care less about me. And why should I cry over him when he's treating me like yesterday's garbage? Just because I love him? Just because I thought he loved me?

Just talked to my mom on the phone about a car she found for me... I feel bad but I wasn't really thrilled about it. Almost started crying though... alcohol really is a depressant isn't it?

Why is it that you don't realize what you have until you've lost it?

This post was supposed to be about me taking charge of my life and my emotions and getting over Tom but I guess it's just not that easy still.

I texted him about bringing me the rest of my stuff that I left at his house (just replied to his text that I had locked... have locked... I'll delete it someday I'm sure). I wanted him to bring it to me at work tomorrow. His response? "I'm not going home tonight." Thank you for twisting the knife. Because I don't feel bad enough, you have to rub it in that you're staying at this new girl's place? Assuming that's what it is, and my last assumption proved correct so I guess I'm probably safe assuming things. I guess I should have known, our relationship moved quickly enough it stands to reason his next would follow suit.

It does dull the pain though, the alcohol. I mean I'm pretty sure I would be balling my eyes out going through the rest of my tissues if I hadn't had those 2 beers.

It's so unfair. Why do people treat each other like this? How do you claim to care about someone for 5 months and then treat them like horse shit? Where does that change come from? How can you act like two entirely separate people to someone who loves you and cares about you and would do anything for you?

I need to take a shower.

I did it, defriended him. No going back now.

I hope I manage to get some sleep tonight.

not quite figured out yet... sorry

I was riding an emotional high this morning, courtesy of my mostly fun night last night.

It was perpetuated when I met Hannah and we walked to DQ, then through the park, then back to my house to watch Matrix Reloaded. We got through most of it before we had to jump back on the light rail so she could get to work and I could get bedding for Kaylee and Mal's cage.

And then on the light rail home... the crash hit.

I'm sorry! I thought I could be fine and move on but... well I guess I'm not ready yet.

So y'all can stop reading if you want, I just have to purge my emotional baggage somewhere, and better here than... well somewhere else.

I guess I know now why it was so easy for him to break up with me, and to get over me. He must have had someone waiting in the wings, maybe multiple someones, just ready and willing to step into my spot. He won't have to deal with both the heartache and the loneliness. Apparently he's already moved on.

I may have made light of that fact in my earlier post (I still can't believe I'm posting twice in one day). But it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I don't know why I believed him when he said he just didn't want a relationship. Obviously he was trying to spare my feelings or hide the fact that he was just an ass. I really believed him though, maybe because I wanted to. Maybe because I believed I still had a chance.

I still want to believe that, what's wrong with me?

I've got the conflicts of brain and emotions again, although the brain was given a lot more ammo last night.

I hurt a lot right now.

How can someone just throw 5 months down the drain? Okay, 5 months isn't that long, but we spent practically every day together...

ouch

my heart hurts

i regret nothing

so after being a complete slug yesterday, my friend Liisa (who i met through tom coincidentally) finally convinced me to go hang out with her at the cardinal. Rachael was doing karaoke and Liisa offered to buy me a drink so I hopped on the lightrail and went up.

right when i walked in the door Liisa runs up and hugs me and pulls me outside, on the way informing me that tom had brought a date. he was there with a girl. we sat out on the patio making meaningless conversation while i tried to digest that bit of information. i couldn't believe it. for some reason i thought tom had told me the truth when he said, and i quote, 'it's not like i'll be jumping back into a new relationship in the next few weeks or anything.'

part of me is hoping that she was just one of tom's many female friends... but my realistic rational side is attempting to convince me otherwise.

after we were sitting out there for awhile, who but tom himself comes out, pulls out a brand new pack of cigarettes, and lights up. that was about the time i wanted to start laughing. he's falling back into his bad old habits because he no longer gives a damn. i remember when we first started dating he told me that all of his friends noticed a positive change in him thanks to me. well maybe he'll realize how much better off he was with me, but it probably won't be happening anytime soon.

anyway, after that i pulled Liisa inside to make good on that offer of a drink. originally, since i don't drink, it was going to be a soda. instead, it became a glass of white wine, which i downed in about 3 seconds. and then it was another glass, and then that was gone as well. then Liisa informed me that she had purchased a pitcher of some kind of beer. guess who drank most of it and a good part of the next one? that's right, ladies and gentlemen, i drank beer. and got hammered. it was wonderful.

i sang karaoke (with someone and i couldn't tell you which song), i danced, i flirted shamelessly with everyone in my radius, etc and so on. i woke up on Liisa's couch this morning with 2 of her three dogs on top of me and felt great.

managed to get home via the lightrail, talked to Jordan about joining his kickball team, and am soon to be heading back to the lightrail to meet Hannah for some DQ.

all in all the night was both horrible and amazing.

but no hangover!