Tonight, December 31, 2008 my dog Jasmine Angel died. I've gone through a dozen tissues and I must be dehydrated by now from all the crying I've done but I need to get it off my chest and I don't know how else to do it. It also provides a nice distraction to try to help me keep from breaking down again.

It's really hard though, considering my email and a lot of my user names (this blog included) are "jazgirl87" and that was what I made in 6th grade named after my new puppy, Jasmine (or Jazzy).

http://www.cutewithchris.com/jazzy.html

That link is from this winter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7j6iC0PrB0

That one I made about a year ago just for the hell of it.

I feel like I'm dying. She was fine! She acted fine I just took her on a walk the other day, last night I took one of mom's couch pillows off the couch and put it on the floor for her to sleep on, she's been fine!

She got sick earlier today, but I was working at Culver's from 10-4. Finally they took her to the vet where it was discovered that she ate a baseball and part of the leather covering was stuck in the valve between her stomach and small intestine which made everything stop up. So she went in for surgery. While she was in surgery the vet found that it wasn't just the baseball, she had a giant tumor wrapped around her intestine and her pancreas and it was completely blocking the valve... inoperable. We went to the vet clinic and she was still under and then they put her down. Euthanized her. It was horrible. I didn't even get to see her today. She didn't get to go to sleep with her family around her, she was anesthetized with the vet before her surgery.

It's so wrong. It's unfair. She was only 10, she had plenty of time left! How come others get to keep their pets longer. I can't stop crying.

How cold is this, typing this in a blog. I'm in so much pain right now I'm actually starting to go numb. My hands shake, I keep having to retype things. Some people aren't that close to their pets, they wouldn't understand why I'm being like this. But she was part of our family. She was the baby, the hunting buddy, the one who was always there if you were upset and needed a friendly lick on the face. I pleaded with my parents for months to let me get a dog until finally we got Jazzy. Then she became my best friend. She didn't change her mind, grow a different personality, fall in with a different crowd she was always there.

And she was just fine! It's not fair that she's gone. It makes me want to give up, just leave. As much as I love my family, when I was in Australia the one I missed most was her. And now she's gone. I keep glancing at my passport.

This must be a nightmare.

Vampires

So I'm sitting at the catsitting house watching the end of Dark Knight while Megan is reading Twilight. That sentence was probably going somewhere, but I don't remember where.

So I finished reading the entire Twilight series. Mom and Dad got me the second book (New Moon) "from my grandparents" for my extended family Christmas, and I spent most of that Saturday (until 1am Sunday morning) reading it. The next day I borrowed my cousins copy of the third (Eclipse) and got to the 8th chapter before we drove back up to Minnesota (from Iowa).

So I was stuck! I neeeeeeeeeeeded to read it and didn't have it. So I drove to Target and they were out, and eventually just went to the dogsitting place. Then I had the brilliant idea of the internet! EVERYTHING is on the internet. And so I found both Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, and have since finished reading both of them. Then I found and downloaded Host, a different book by Stephenie Meyer and I'm not sure I'll like it or not, but I'm still on a Twilight high and just don't want to come down from it. I want there to be more!

But right now, like I said, I'm at the catsitting house and tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I have absolutely no plans other than probably sitting around here or at the dogsitting house watching movies by myself. Maybe I'll go get myself some alcohol and get quietly drunk by myself. That sounds appropriately pathetic, although I probably won't have the necessary motivation to actually force myself into drunkenness.

And Dark Knight just ended. I should go to bed, have to work at Culver's from 10am - 5pm tomorrow, and then 11am-8pm on Thursday (that's really gonna suck, but I should get holiday pay for it so that's good at least). God knows I need the money. I still have no idea how I'm going to pay for second semester, but I'll figure something out.

And then it's off to the real world. It's kind of funny because my sister and I have been watching the 7th (and final) season of Gilmore Girls together and Rory is a senior at Yale, so it's interesting watching her freak out about careers and life after college etc, now that I finally understand what she's going through.

Although that's not real, and GAC isn't quite Yale. But same concept I guess.

Why do I catsit? I'm allergic to cats! Gah, it's slightly miserable here. For me at least. Megan's only slightly miserable because she doesn't like cats and this particular cat has taken a liking to her. It's kind of funny to watch really because it crawls right up onto her lap over her book and lays on its back and stares at her and she just looks at it and looks at me... well it's funny, trust me.

But yes, time for me to go to bed, not least because my computer battery is dying and I'm too lazy to go get the cord and plug it in.

Why did I title this vampires? I think I was planning to have a more Twilight-based rant, but it just didn't pan out. Oh well.

Happy Hunting!

Expectations and Christmas!

I've realized that expectations can either make or break a thing. Like movies for instance. When I first saw Burn After Reading I had HUGE expectations for it, saw it and of course it didn't live up to my expectations. Then I went to see it a second time, with my low expectations, and found out it was great! Great compared to low expectations, horrible compared to high expectations. Then I went to see Twilight, heard how horrible it was supposed to be and naturally loved it. Loved the story, loved the actors, loved the idea. I know right? What the hell! This is the teenage girl phenomenon, the middle school vampire romance sleazy crap I shouldn't approve of at all and yet I ate it up. They did play a Muse song during the baseball scene, but that's not all I liked from it.

Case in point, I liked the movie so much I asked for (and received) the book for Christmas and am currently on page 348 (and it's still the same day). Sadly, I only got the first book and no Barnes & Noble gift cards so I'm going to have to find a way to get my hands on the next books in the series.

The book also encouraged my getting over my obsession. That and my lack of recent internet time. But I'm coming to the conclusion that no human is really good enough for me, and I should just hold out and wait for the perfect vampire to fall completely into obsession with me. Because that happens! Books and movies have told me so.

And then of course tonight I've been watching Gilmore Girls (Season 7) with Megan at the catsitting house which has just shown me that the perfect guy for you really is the guy who impregnates you at 16 no matter how much you love the wolf or the diner guy. But I think I missed out on that boat, not getting pregnant at 16 and all.

But really life's not all about the partnering and the marriaging and the babying it's really all about the making money thing. And I haven't figured that one out yet either! BUT my parents were INCREDIBLY thoughtful and ordered me a Murdoch University sweatshirt from Australia for Christmas which has further convinced me to go back, that and the cold weather make the going back a potentially permanent arrangement as well.

Well Megan wants to take a bath with me in the awesome huge jacuzzi like tub so time for me to wrap it up! I probably had a lot more to say but oh well, some things are better left unsaid

PS - Jackie and Ghostbusters!

Intruder!!!

WTF!
So I'm cat/house sitting. In the middle of nowhere Oronoco MN. I came here Friday night and the woman who I'm doing this for was gone (as she was supposed to be) and I stayed overnight (as I was supposed to). Now, the plan was her being gone until early January and I'd stay overnight here as much as possible and take care of the kitty. For all of you in the area, today (Saturday) it snowed constantly and thickly effectively trapping me out here. So I stayed here all day, playing with the kitty, watching TV and being generally lazy. I was watching Superman when Megan called and we got to chatting. In the middle of our conversation (around 1 am - yes it was late by now) I see a light go on upstairs (upstairs being the main floor). So of course I'm like "Hello?" For a second I thought I was just going crazy and I had turned the light on earlier and just not noticed it but then I hear an answering "It's just me." So I semi-freaked, hung up on Megan, and ran upstairs and lo and behold the owner of the house is there. Apparently her flights got messed up because of the snowstorm. Here I'm thinking wtf because she'd been gone for the past week (I was still at GAC so someone else was cat/housesitting then) and she shows up in the middle of the night because of a snowstorm that shouldn't have affected her because she was supposed to be in California!

So I'm generally freaked out but she obviously knew I was going to be here and was apologetic over freaking me out but now I just feel insanely awkward. I mean, what do I do now? She said she'd be home for a few days... but what?! So do I get up early tomorrow and leave? And that's another thing, I have like dirty dishes left up there and I don't know how early she gets up and I just generally don't feel comfortable here anymore (which is a shame because I was finally starting to). And she's still up because I can hear the water running.

Sigh.

I should be sleeping instead of freaking.

Freaking cat allergies...

the madness of finals

Wow, this is my 50th post on this blog. I should throw a party...

So it's Tuesday and I have my Neurobiology final tomorrow and I'm slightly terrified, but not terrified enough. It's my senioritis acting up again and I'm finding very little motivation to study the way I should be for this test. It's also snowing out. That has nothing to do with my motivation (or lack of) but I thought I'd mention it because it's very pretty. It almost looks fake...

Yesterday I had my Kinship final test, and I actually knew the answer to every question (at least basically). I'm certain I did well on that test, which is bad because it's like rewarding my bad behavior (since I barely studied for that test). I also finished my Wicked painting and it doesn't look as cool as it could, but it also doesnt look too bad either. Definitely one for my wall.

Still have to finish my sculpture by 3:40pm tomorrow, but that should be easy and I'll just finish it up after my Neuro final.

Assuming I'm still breathing after that. Which may in fact be assuming a lot.

I've been going back and watching the old episodes of Heroes. It's really fun! Reminds me where all the characters are coming from - I'm up to Season 2 Episode 4 (I just finished 3 last night). But yea, after my final and finishing my painting I pretty much devoted the rest of Monday to entertaining myself, saving today for studying for Neuro. Of course since we were up very late last night and I only seriously woke up at like 1:30pm (and then showered) I haven't really gotten to studying yet. Which is bad! And instead of studying I've been checking email and posting on my blog.

I am excited for the fact that this time tomorrow I'll be done with Neuro.

I've also been thinking about my future, and my thinking has been leading back to the travelling ideas. I want to go back to Australia, back to the Perth area. I could work for the WA Conservation Council or some other similarly minded organization. Or I could work on getting a Master's or something. As much as I love the snow, and Minnesota, these cold winters really are not my favorite thing in the world. I've also been realizing that it's not just the people I've been missing there, it's the whole cultural attitude, the places, the weather, the proximity to the ocean, it's all of that. I think I'm neglecting to remember the prices of things but still.

I'm so tired. I know I slept the right amount, but I'm still tired. I hate being semi-sort of-sick. I want to sleep...

I'll start dozing off soon if I don't watch myself.

On a further note, Alan has still neglected to send me the pictures! I can't wait to get a camera.

I really have nothing else to write about, I'm just procrastinating because I don't want to study for Neuro. Which is dumb because not studying won't make it go away, it will just make it suck more.

So tomorrow the plan is to take the Neuro final, finish the final sculpture, pack up the car and drive home. Good plan right? I think there was more to that, but I've forgotten what it was.

And I haven't been watching myself... dang it.

Time to get to work

DONE!!! Well almost...

Finished my papers! They are both officially done (second one finished at 3:41 am Friday morning).

That's right ladies and gentlemen, I started writing a ten page paper at 7:30pm (closer to 8) and finished it at 3:30am (actually finished writing at 2:22 but then had to go through and fix my citations and do the references).

I wrote a crap-ass paper on "Reproduction and Social Inequality." And a large part of it was EotHB if you get my drift.

But no matter how shitty I feel right now and will feel tomorrow, the papers are done! Now all I have to worry about is finishing my painting(s) and my sculpture project(s). Sigh...

At sculpture today I may have finished my kangaroo (finally!). I'm not sure whether or not I want to shinify it or leave it as it is... We also worked on a figure/portrait/face that we started on Tuesday. I'm pretty proud of mine actually, but I don't know when I'll find time to finish it (at the moment it only has one eye and - just sneezed three times here - the other is an empty socket. Maybe I should just put an eye patch over it and call it a pirate interpretation...

The only time I can blow my nose and not feel light-headed afterwards is directly after I sneeze.

Random, yes, but it was relevant to me at the time and really that's all that matters.

So, even though Sybylla is still working on a paper, I'm going to stop being stupid and go to bed.

Good luck to everyone who has finals, exams, papers coming up!

i think i'm sick...

My head is pounding, and feels like it weighs about a ton. My throat is raw and scratchy (imagine sandpaper). My nose is clogged (breathing through my mouth exclusively for fear of suffocating). Sounds fun right?

Perfect timing too. Because I have two papers and a painting due Friday. Which is in two days. Luckily I've finished one of the two papers, the 5 page one. Unluckily I haven't even started writing seriously for the 10 page one. And of course tomorrow is Thursday, which means I'll be in sculpture until 7:30pm and then have to come back and start writing the paper. I suck.

Why did I procrastinate so much?

I also spent a good part of today watching old episodes of Heroes. In defense of myself, well... I'm sick!

I'm also probably dehydrated... sigh

On a lighter note, I finished my Neuro paper! So I'm all done with that class now, save for the final. Which is going to kick my ass.

Plus I finally got to talk to Michael for the first time in ages! Of course, I did not get to talk to Alan which means I still need those damn pictures... grr.

What was I talking about?

Oh well, it doesn't matter. I've started a new painting, my last one for watercolor. It's got a stupid reflective vase in it (because Bruce suggested it and I'd be a fool to ignore a professor's suggestion) as well as my Wicked shirt (hehe that was all me). I have semi high hopes for it, just no real time to finish it.

That being said, Kat's sick and she's going to sleep now.

Maybe I'll get to do arts and crafts at work tomorrow...

Anal

Anal. No, not the type of sexual interaction, nor just in mention of the area from which the poo leaves. Although in a way it refers to both. Right now it's me being pissed at Alan and purposefully misspelling his name to reference both those socially-not-so-acceptable uses of the word. Because he deserves it.

After treating him to a wonderful week at my house (well okay a decent week, but whatever any charitable activity was over the top!) he continues to be an asshole to me. Like, wtf. Basically, my camera is no longer functioning (as mentioned many times previous) -- holy shit No Good Deed just started playing randomly, how fitting -- and so (besides the zoo) all the pictures we took over the week (okay mostly just at Wicked) were taken using his camera. Being such a picture junkie as I am, I asked him if he could send me the pictures. He said he would (this was while he was still in Minnesota conmigo). So a day or two after he's back in CO I asked him to just shoot them over to me via email (it's not a complicated process, maybe 15 minutes tops).
He's too busy, he'll do it later.
Okay, no worries, just don't forget.
Next day I ask again, hey dude, pictures please! I know if I don't keep asking I'll forget and lose all record.
He's too busy, but he promises he'll do it over the weekend.
Okay, no worries.
Friday comes along, I shoot him a reminder message just saying to get to it whenever he's free.
Fast forward to about 30 minutes ago, he finally gets on for the first time all weekend and spends over an hour online and still doesn't send me the pictures.
After I reminded him (about a second after he got online).

Why? What the hell is so hard about uploading pics from a camera to a computer and emailing them to a person? It's not hard at all! It takes like I said 15 minutes tops! Maybe more if you have a slow internet connection, but it's not like you can't do anything else during that time!

Okay, now you're all thinking, "Kat, you're overreacting hardcore." And I know I am, but the thing is, as soon as I get the pictures I can stop communicating with this shithead. Shi-thead.

Stubborn ass, every moment wasted on him reminds me how I continue to fail at life.

Dude - I'm really not still that hardcore depressed.

But talking to Anal reminds me of how I was, and how some things have been festering in me and refuse to let go, and I'd rather not be reminded of that - wouldn't you agree?

Festering like a month-old piece of popcorn stuck between your back molars.

I love imagery.

Not to mention the fact that I didn't do any of my sculpture projects, haven't figured out what I'm going to paint yet, didn't do anything but some light research on my Kinship paper, and didn't do anything but make one graph in the wrong program for my Neuro paper.

Oh and I still have no idea what I'm doing after I gradumacate, though I did start filling out an application for Teach for America... I'm so screwed.

I did go into Mankato tonight though! Drove the van to the River Hills Mall and got some Christmas shopping done - just found stuff for my dad and Sybylla though (and for me of course but didn't buy anything for me, other than a $1 box of popcorn).

And I'm finally calming down. Good Kat.

Holy crap, when did it get so late? Guess it's time to get ready for bed...

Today's rant has been brought to you by Anal Dogface.

My roommate is dying...

So my roommate had an 8 page paper due Wednesday, a 20 page paper due today, and another 5 page paper due tomorrow.

And she's almost as good at procrastinating as I am, meaning she has had very little sleep these past few nights!

But she did manage to introduce me to another Joss Whedon semi masterpiece!

It's called Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog and it's fantastic. It also is better than it sounds. Although probably not as good as I'm making it out to be, but Nathan Fillion is in it and I can't help laughing when I watch him sing. That's right, Captain Mal can sort of sing.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog#s-p1-so-i0

There you go, enjoy that!

So we're on our lunch break (it's actually ending now so I'll be posting this afterwards) but she's been working on the 20 page one this entire hour. I had easy mac.

Yikes, now I've got to run to class - be back in a bit. No I won't, I'm going to talk to the Teach for America dude after!

Just got back from talking to Zach from Teach for America. Luckily it wasn't an interview or I'd have just bombed it. Seriously, why do I have such trouble talking to people? I stumbled over words, said things I didn't mean, contradicted what he was telling me, and overall sounded stupid and unqualified which is definitely not the picture I wanted to portray of myself.

Oh well.

Neuro was interesting, we read a paper about a group of cells in someone's brain that only fired when he was watching the Simpsons, that was kind of amusing. And then the rat experiment was discussed. One of our rats was sooo cute and awesome. It escaped on Monday morning, and refused to do the experiment correctly. Basically we put them in a tank of water and they had to find their way to the platform (because they aren't supposed to like to swim). But apparently we had the Michael Phelps rat because it swam like a speed demon and even when it did get on the platform it just used it as a diving platform to dive back in the water, sometimes taking a running leap or even going and swimming entirely underwater. It's so cute! And I wanted to take it home with me but my evil mother wouldn't let me :( and of course we can't have any pets other than fish in the dorms.

I have a crapload of things to do in sculpture today. Not sure I'll be able to get even half the stuff I want to get done done. That was a horribly constructed sentence.

Right, running to sculpture now, I'll just end this mother here...

I keel you!

Okay, was working pretty hard on my Neuro final draft from about 7pm until about 1:30am when Sybylla introduced me to Jeff Dunham and Achmed the terrorist...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svlj9U0NTFo

Dang it

It's freaking hilarious

So now it's 2:11am and I'm going back to work!

WICKED!!!

Good news! She's dead! The Witch of the West is dead, the wickedest witch there ever was, the enemy of all of us here in Oz is deaaaaaaad!

So it's been an interesting week at home to say the least. Alan is now gone, but I suppose I should backtrack a bit. Absolutely nothing of note happened on Tuesday, the only thing we did was go to the RAC where we played foosball, air hockey, and did boring work out-type things.

Wednesday was more interesting, first we (Alan and I) drove the two hours to Eau Claire to pick up Megs from college. We got there, ate food, and then went to the bookstore to get her Christmas present. But between the food and bookstore we went back to Megs' room where her roommate was in a bathrobe... awkward. After that Megan went off to her class and Alan and I went back to her room. This time, her roommate (who was supposed to be gone) talked to us while playing her game on PS2, until her mom showed up pissed because the roommate had her phone off and the mom had been calling and waiting for 30 minutes. So that was awkward with me and Alan there and not Megan. But finally they left and Megs got out of class and we headed home. We started going home following the GPS until we realized it was taking us on a route that went 60 miles further than the mapquest directions... so then we eventually turned around and found our way back (only spent an extra 15 minutes driving with that maneuver). So eventually we got home, ate food, and watched a movie (X-Men: the Last Stand I believe).

Thursday was of course Thanksgiving so we ate turkey and mashed potatoes and pie. Mom made 4 pies this year for just our family + Alan (apple, pumpkin, pecan, and cookie). After an early Thanksgiving meal we (Alan, mom, me, Megs, and Sara) went to see Australia (with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman) and it made me cry. A lot of the scenery (especially the gorges etc) just reminded me of the NW trip.

Friday was Wicked day. Woke up late (as usual), and eventually took Alan to see downtown Rochester. Which, sadly, can be done in about 10 minutes but we went inside University Square and the Barnes & Noble at the old Chateau theatre so it was mildly interesting (I hope). Then we came back and took Haley (the dog I agreed to dogsit this weekend) for a walk around Northpark (the neighborhood I live in). Showed Alan all the houses of where my teachers live(d) in my neighborhood, showed him the ponds and the park and all the places I've known for the past 16 years. I think I was more excited than he was, but meh. Then we packed all his stuff in the van, threw in some pillows and blankets and sleeping bags just in case, he grabbed the tickets (since they wouldn't be safe with me!) and we headed up to the cities in our swanky clothes.

We listened to the Wicked soundtrack on the way up, following the GPS directions to the OrpheumTheatre. Got there, found a parking place, and wandered around for a bit until we decided to stop and eat at the Lonely Tree Grill (or something like that). I had a delicious turkey melt sandwich, and then we headed back to the van. He grabbed his camera and then we went to the theatre, took pictures, and bought Wicked stuff! Excitement mounting, went in, took our seats, and waited for the overture to start.

It was a fantastic show. I've seen it twice now (once in Chicago) and I can't help but be madly in love with it still. I wish someone would legally record one of the stage performances and sell it on DVD.

I was extremely hyper before, during, but especially after the show. I feel bad for Alan, having to put up with me, but it was so exhilarating!

After the show we headed back to the van to stow our purchases, and for me to grab my winter coat (as opposed to the nicer looking one). We went over to the cinema we had passed on an earlier wandering to see if we could kill time there but all the movies had already started. Instead we went to Applebee's where Alan got a salad and I drank about 2 glasses of water + a Mountain Dew - I was extremely and inexplicably thirsty. We then wandered around the mall we were in - saw a piano bar and walked through the Hard Rock Cafe (I somehow managed to not buy a pin, I was proud of myself for that).

Eventually we headed back to the van and managed to make our way to the airport. We chilled at the airport for awhile, I would have felt bad if I had just ditched him there - there were some suspicious people hanging around and he looked so vulnerable in his Superman pj's... hehe.

So we had some fun times sliding around the floors on our socks and taking random pictures with his camera, but eventually it was time to say goodbye. I really hate saying goodbye. It was horrible in Australia, but for some reason this time it wasn't that bad initially. I think the fact that it was around 3am might have had something to do with it. It made the situation a bit surreal, and the fact that I'll never see him again easier to cope with.

Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone, knowing you'll never see them again?

It's hard, and it sucks. But I felt fine saying goodbye to Alan. Walked away, no tears or even needing to hold them back. Strange, but once I was out of the airport driving I did call him. Mostly it was to help keep me awake while driving, since no one else was insane enough to be awake at that time. Didn't talk too long, he had to make his way to the gate and tried to get some sleep in the airport as well. So I rocked out to the Wicked soundtrack to keep myself awake, going so far as to do different voices for the different characters. I was doing fine until about 15 miles from home, and then I basically hit a wall and had to fight to stay awake. It was kind of terrifying, but luckily no one else was out on the road.

Finally pulled in front of the house at 4:28 am, right in the middle of "Defying Gravity." Stumbled into the house, up to my room, stripped and crawled into bed - after calling Alan and hopefully communicating the fact that I was still alive and got home in 1 peice (I say hopefully because I was seriously out of it at that point).

And then this morning (Saturday) I kept getting woken up. Dad telling me he was going out hunting, my sister responding to my text that I had sent her the night before, my high school set designer calling about dogsitting, all sorts of things conspiring against me. Eventually I gave up on sleep and stumbled to the bathroom to shower. Since then, this day has pretty much passed in a haze.

I managed to finish A Handmaid's Tale (book I borrowed from my sister), did absolutely no homework, called Alan to make sure he made it back okay, talked to some people online, went to Culver's for dinner with Megs and dad, watched part of The Santa Clause with dad, played Apples to Apples with mom, gramma (who is visiting for the night/tomorrow), Sara, dad, and Sara's friend Emily. I managed to win a game which was surprising.

Since then, I haven't really done anything other than watching a few episodes of Family Guy and Heroes and updating here.

But the moral of this story is that Wicked was amazing.

And no good deed goes unpunished.

Thank goodness.

I'm broke

Can someone come fix me?

Hormones should be outlawed. Thought Alan coming would be no biggie, especially since I seriously don't have feelings for him. The problem is I still have feelings period. I have feelings that got hurt, stepped on, ripped apart, twisted into knots, covered with gasoline and lit on fire. Nah not that bad, more like weak at first, broken, attempted to mend, then dropped and shattered. But it makes it that much worse when the only person who cared enough to help mend in the first place is the one who dropped it. When the one person you were okay being vulnerable in front of you no longer feel you can be vulnerable in front of anymore.

I just want to be able to cry and have someone hold me, pat my back, tell me things will be okay.

I'm being too revealing again, which just shows the problem! Why can't I talk about this? Why do I have to be afraid of what people will think?

Fuck it, I'm just going to write whatever I think.

I can't release any of this emotional baggage that I keep carrying around because I don't have a willing scapegoat who actually wants to listen. Perhaps my sisters do but I don't feel like I can break down in front of them, though they've probably seen it before they've never had to deal with it before (to my knowledge at least). Which, in itself, is probably fairly strange.

Why am I so weird?

I think part of the reason I'm so insane this week is because I sort of want Alan to see what he's missing out on, even though I don't actually want anything to do with him (other than whatever lame ass friendship we'll have after he leaves here). Although all I've managed to do is show him what a fucked up loser I am, who can't lose her constant jealousy of his "happily coupled" status.

So after a minor unplanned for breakdown I decided to watch a nice uplifting comedy, which led me to see Wild Wild West - and man does Will Smith look pretty in this. It's also mildly amusing, which is good, but also leaves plenty of mindspace free for reflection which could always be good or bad.

This probably would go better in OneNote, but since I've already typed it here, screw it.

Let people feel the partial fury of the maelstrom...

Net's on the fritz

So the net has been going in and out on my computer, so finally I decided to let it be. Think I'll spend the rest of the night reading The Golden Compass (again again again) and then head to bed early. Or maybe I'll pack tonight - that would probably be a good idea.

So (why did I start another paragraph with the word 'so'? there are many other perfectly decent words to use... oh well) I forgot where I was going with this sentence. Right. Finished my assignment, came to the computer lab to print it off, and was distracted by the functioning internet. Oh well.

I've discovered a magnificent creation by MS Office. It's called OneNote, and it's amazing. I've decided to use it as a sort of a (don't laugh or mock me, you're just jealous) journal or "diary" as it were. Whereas my blog here is a great place to jot down what I'm up to and my general state of mind, it's so much nicer to have a private place to describe exactly what is going on with me, without needing to worry about censoring it in case certain people actually read this damn thing.

Granted I probably don't censor here as much as I should, but at least I tend to be rather vague.

So (there I go again) I finally finished Son of a Witch, and it had a mediocre ending at best. I mean, the story and the plot were interesting enough but there was no finality to the tale, no climax or conclusion. In Wicked, at least the main character gets offed and that's that. Here it's like, okaaaay and then what?

Alan's coming tomorrow! In 24 hours we will both be at my house, probably watching a movie or playing cards or something equally thrilling. And in 8 days we get to see Wicked!!! I might have to force my family to play only Wicked music this week... at least on Friday! I hope it's not awkward with Alan there...

Okay, I'm just going to up and say it, I love comments. I freaking love them. Even if they're pointless and don't say anything really at all, it tells me someone is actually taking part of their day, a whole few minutes off of their life to read about what I'm doing, thinking, feeling, etc. It makes me feel more important than I have any right to feel, and thus I love it. So if you do read this, feel more than free to leave a comment, even if it's just to tell me my ego is showing.

I show it loud and proud!

I miss Flats 1, 58, and 65. Those were good places.

Let's go back there... any takers?

A Running Commentary

What am I doing blogging so soon after my last one you may be asking yourself. And within 20 hours of my paper being due as well! Well obviously what I'm doing is procrastinating.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I continuously wait to start assignments until it's absolutely necessary, and in the meantime waste my hours on mindless TV, movies, books, websites, games etc?

It's the whole school scene, I'm totally over it. I'd rather get a mindless job that I work when I work and then return home and not have homework but just do whatever the hell I want after putting in my hours. The motivation to work at work is being at work, the motivation to work at home is slim to nonexistent.

Think my biggest problem is that I'm still not sure what mindless career I want to pursue. Research (in certain areas i.e. animal behavior) sounds fascinating, but writing the papers and some aspects of course are not appealing to me at all. Whales. I want to study whales. But everyone wants to study whales. So I just spent the last 20 minutes searching whales on Google and I kept getting graphic whaling photos and it just made me sick. Maybe I'll go work for an activist organization against whaling.

And apparently Japan excuses their whaling, claiming it's for "scientific purposes." Scientific purposes my ass. And while many indigenous cultures used whaling for subsistence in antiquity, get over it. There are other ways to live nowadays and I don't care if it's a part of your culture, these creatures are near-if not totally sentient and don't deserve that treatment. Our culture used to ride horses everywhere but we evolved and moved on. We also used to have slaves, and again (for the most part) evolved and moved on! Why must so many societies use arcane practices and claim them to be "culturally important?" And if it's important to the culture, why are they canning them and shipping them out for sale? That doesn't seem culturally relevant... And this isn't just about the whaling or indigenous peoples, but things like the banning of gay marriage in the USA. Why is that a threat to our culture, society, or the construct of marriage? How can anyone even try to make a logical argument about that?

And the picture of the small boy in Greenland smiling with his knife gutting a whale... how sick.

Just went to dinner in there, wasn't very hungry so dinner became a side of cheesy mashed potatoes and chocolate milk... ah well. Now I have actually started writing my paper - yay! Unfortunately I just looked at the guidelines and I'm supposed to have all these figures which I will not have. We were supposed to make them in lab on Wednesday, and while we made some of them, our group kept fucking around and we didn't finish. I should have gone in to finish them but I didn't realize how many were still missing. Crap.

For some reason that just reminded me of my little speech on Australia earlier today! That's right, I volunteered to go speak to an FTS class (first term seminar - for the ickle firsties!) about studying abroad and my experience there. I was so excited to talk about it, but when I got there they all gave me these bored uninterested looks and I was reminded how much I hate public speaking. Sigh. But I got through it and maybe some of them will remember (but I highly doubt it). At least I got to talk about one of my favorite subjects!

So I was going to go into the computer lab to work on my paper (and I still will have to at one point) but it's actually full for once! It shocked me, when I was stuck in there when my computer went angry I hardly ever had company.

Took a 20 minute nap there... dang it. And listening to Eddie Izzard. Someone explain to me why writing is considered so important? And who decided what the "right" way to write was?

Never knew I could feel like this, like I've never seen the sky before... listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything!

And that would be from Moulin Rouge ladies and gents. Luckily I'm not procrastinating so much that I'm actually watching the movie - although now I want to. I've got a timer set up to go off every 20 minutes to remind me to get my ass back on task and it just went off, so I'll be back probably within 20 minutes...

Woo I've gone like 40 minutes without coming back here! Of course I checked Facebook once or twice but the internet is going slowly so that helped me stay on track a bit. That and the fact that no one is online to distract me. Today's blog has turned into a running commentary of how my night's going by the way (in case that wasn't obvious), so feel free to stop paying attention should you feel so inclined. The time is now 9:18 pm... well at least I'm on the second of the two sections I need.

Yay for Blogger's autosave! My Firefox just got angry at me for trying to open a .pdf for my paper and closed out. I'm so glad this long and pointless blog wasn't lost... not quite sure why at the moment. Ah crap it's 9:40pm and I haven't added anything since the last little blurb. Back to the grind...

10:32pm and I'm actually feeling pretty good right now. I'm nearly done with what I can do tonight. Only part that concerns me is the fact that I can't get all the graphs I need... and I really really should have, I have no excuse other than laziness.

And now I blame Sybylla for my further procrastination - she put in a request for Mamma Mia songs and of course I felt obligated to comply. (10:39pm).

And my future Evolution prof and my former Organic Chemistry I prof had a conversation on Facebook:

Joel Carlin: Excuse me, Dr. Bur? On that protocol you gave us, I got confused on step 5, just before my lab partner caught on fire...

Scott Bur: The problem, son, is that I only gave you a 3 step procedure.

Joel Carlin: Does this mean I don't get extra credit for doing steps 4 and 5?

They were making fun of us! THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!

And now I have to start conditioning my roommate to not crack her knuckles while I'm around - YAY BLACK BETTY BY SPIDERBAIT!! (11:02pm).

11:54 pm and my fingers are covered with chip flavoring making it mildly difficult to type. Why am I eating chips? No idea. I'm not hungry and strangely enough I wasn't hungry at dinner either. I guess this time I'm eating because it's another way to procrastinate! I really just have one section left to do (1/10) so I should just get my act together and write it. I'm going to have to get up early tomorrow to finish the rest of the graphs anyway so I should try to finish early so I can at least pretend to get a decent amount of sleep tonight. Which means I should stop typing in my blog and get back to work!

12:09 am - so I just spent some time culling unnecessary groups from my Facebook groups... why??? GET TO WORK KAT!! *timid voice* yes ma'am... (and now she's talking to herself... great)

12:37 am - Finishing up the references section! And then I'm going to shower and go to bed! Hopefully... unless I get distracted...

1:03 am - So I got it printed but then I still have to go make tons of graphs sometime early tomorrow morning. I couldn't get one of my graphs that I already have in there either because 3/4 computers in there were in use and the 4th was frozen... of course on the night when I really need a school computer they're all in use! I really just need it because the stupid graph is in SigmaPlot and guess who doesn't have SigmaPlot? That's right, me doesn't. Anyway, now I'm off to shower and decide how early I need to get up to get it done. Right now I'm thinking 8 am... crap thats in 7 hours... there's gonna be a cranky Kat tomorrow.

Pro-crastination (yea, I'm pro)

And I have just spent the last hour and 15 minutes watching Ellen Degeneres and now I'm going to quote her:

"We're doing all these things to squeeze things together so we can save time. And I don't know about you but I don't have any more time, I have less time. But let's just say we could save up a whole chunk of time and set it aside, you know what we'd do with it? Nothing! Nothing at all. Isn't that the point, to be able to do nothing at all? But we're not guaranteed that later on chunk of time, all we have is here and now. And that's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination is not the problem, it is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying 'Stop, slow down, you move too fast....' Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

I agree wholeheartedly because, well that is how I operate! And it seems like everyone does, and yet most of us manage to finish things on time.

This weekend was a horrible spate of procrastination. Friday night was intentional, I had no desire to do any sort of homework or future related activity but I also had no social plans. Sybylla was home for the weekend, Sarah and Colin went to the Coldplay concert, etc. So I read for a bit, ate dinner, then finally decided to call my cousins (in Mankato) and see what they were up to - holy crap I already blogged about this. Right, so you know that story, moving on.

Today (Sunday) was going to be my productive day. So of course I woke up late, which was fine because I still had plenty of time to work. Then I got online... big mistake. Not really a mistake because I had a great time talking to people, surfing, etc, but all of a sudden it's after 7pm and I have no idea where the time went. Sybylla had by then returned and she was as neck deep in assignments as I am (perhaps even more so with one midnight deadline). And then of course I realized that it's not just my second Neuro paper due on Tuesday that I have to do - I also have my reading summaries for Kinship due! Not a big deal - those reading articles are usually semi-short and always interesting. But then I get up, get something to drink, and see my half-finished dragonfly painting! Ah SHIT! Yet another thing due tomorrow that I haven't finished!

So what do I do? Well to be honest I started my first of six articles for Kinship, but once I had pretty much finished the first summary, I got distracted. An email from Facebook! So I check it and its just some stupid event invite that I won't be going to but that incites me to change my status, check people's walls, comment on some photos, and then its almost 10pm! WTF! So I relate my procrastination problem with Sybylla and she remembered a funny show by Ellen Degeneres, sent me a YouTube link and thus, another hour has passed.

And so I thought I'd share my story with you lovely people to further procrastinate. Sigh.

And if any of you are curious about my Facebook status, I'll let you in on the secret. Homework sucks, no matter how interesting it may be you never actually want to do it. And I think that is mostly because you know you have to do it. If it were an option, maybe more people would enjoy it. I don't want to be in the U.S. because being here is reality, and I just get really sick of dealing with reality all the time. Also, I have amazing memories of elsewhere, and desires to see places I've never seen. Those desires, mixed with an overwhelming fear that if I don't see them soon I'll never get the opportunity to. That I really need to just take my life in my hands, leap before looking, etc so on so forth. Why does it always look so easy and appealing in movies and books, yet is so unbelieveably hard to pull off in the real world? Oh right, because books and movies aren't real. I keep forgetting.... As for the last part, well in terms of healing I'm referring to what most of my latest blogs have referred to. I don't want to move on and get over some things. I know I should, and I thought I was trying, but that is just a straight up lie. I'm not trying because I don't want to. It's like when I discovered I might be getting over Australia. It scared me because I don't want to get over it! I don't want to settle for having less than I once had, I want to strive to have all I ever wanted and more! And maybe that's selfish or conceited or just human, I don't know or really care but it's the truth.

It also doesn't help when the other side enables the problem - not that I'm complaining but perhaps I should be. Or at least figure something out.

Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul not Constantinople... so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul!

So now I'm really just blowing time. I just stared at a Google map of Europe for about 10 minutes, measuring distances between countries and then pulling the map over to the US for comparison. And of course earlier I was on Hotwire looking up flight prices over January. Even though I should be working that month to help pay for second semester. I just feel like I've got my whole life ahead of me to be working and then paying off loans, what's one more loan, one more money-blowing travel experience? And when will I get another chance?

I'm a spoiled person, but that's the problem with people, no matter what they have they always want more. Is anyone ever really satisfied with their lives? Everyone can manage to whine, bitch, or moan about something or another. And besides, I know my gramma want's to go see Ireland and perhaps other European nations! I bet I could convince her to come with me if I wanted to.

The big problem then of course is if I'd come back :P Which is actually an issue with me! I was so close to not getting on the plane home to the US from Australia, it's not even funny. I sometimes wonder what would have happened then? I would have leaped without looking, but would I have leaped alone? Maybe if I had been there still, Alan would have been compelled to return instead of going back to CSU or whatever school he goes to. Maybe if I hadn't left, Michael would have stayed as well, but of course as the responsible adult he probably would not have. I'm pretty sure Kristin would not have returned to Australia, but maybe it'd give her a reason to come visit. And of course Main would still be there, but not for long because Sarah would have moved back to QLD, and he would follow her. So what would I have accomplished? Probably nothing. But maybe, if one person jumps, others are more likely to follow that lead. But who is brave enough to jump first? It's a big risk, not knowing who (if anyone) will follow. And that's why I didn't jump. Call me chicken, but I feared that I would stay, get to spend another week with Michael, another two weeks with Alan, about a month with Sarah, and then they'd all be gone. Kristin was already gone. And of course I'd be alone again. At least coming home I'm just alone surrounded by people :P Of course that makes no sense, I have my family here and friends I've had for ages and the potential to meet new people exists everywhere (except perhaps on the polar ends of the planet, can't imagine there are too many people there). But still every once in awhile I wonder what if...

Maybe I'll become a hippie. Is that still allowed? I just want to roam the world, hitchhike or whatever and work for awhile then move on again. Money. Stupid money.

Or I'll pick up a crap job in Rochester, live with my folks and just earn earn earn and not spend a penny except on loan repayments (and if my parents charge me any sort of rent...) and just save up and then once I have enough (whatever amount "enough" happens to be) then I'll hit the road (or the air or whatever media my transportation requires).

Or I'll pick up a crap job that leads to a better crap job that leads to a crap career and then I'll be stuck in the corporate world and apathetic to my younger self's dreams and just become the crazy old loon living alone in some cottage with 14 dogs...

Or maybe I'll get a really good job and love it as much as anyone can love their job and be as content and satisfied as one can be, perhaps find a good place for myself, still have my 14 dogs but maybe more of a social circle/family as well and have a perfectly normal, unmentionable, ordinary life.

And of course at some point over the weekend I watched American Beauty and how the worst thing in the world is to be ordinary.

What to do, what to do.

I should start by finishing that damn homework....

and though, I may know, I don't care!

Just for this moment, as long as you're mine...

Freaking Wicked! So close! One week until Alan arrives and then one more week until Wicked!

Been reading Wicked and now Son of a Witch to psych me up for it, and it's worked well!

FIYERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this song! (No Good Deed). That and Defying Gravity are probably my favorites.

I am a sucker. A cheesy romantic at heart - no one die of shock here but yes I do have a cheesy heart sometimes. Actually a lot of times but I don't like to show it... not sure why.

I saw Quantum of Solace today with my cousin Ben! And his younger brother (also my cousin) Tyler was working at the cinema. That was fun - the movie was pretty good (at least I liked it... whatever the social opinion of it was). Before the movie Ben tried to teach me (unsuccessfully I fear) how to play Guitar Hero. And before that I went to my classes and worked on my new dragonfly painting in watercolor. It's turning out pretty well - I might see if my adviser wants it (since she's the entomology prof on campus).

OOH! And on Thursday we FINALLY poured our first bronze castings, and I now officially have a little bronze kangaroo! It needs some work done still - has some tumors on it that need to be sawed off/sanded down, but other than that! It only took what, two months?

So of course I've wasted my evening, other than of course seeing my cousins and QoS.

Now I'm back to my usual ranting and stalking combination, not healthy to be sure but unavoidable. And the heater is blasting in here! Which just makes me want to take off my pants... because that's what I do when the roomie isn't home!

And I think it heard me because it just turned itself off...

Do you ever become obsessed with something so much that you start giving it attributes you know it doesn't actually possess? Create fond happy memories that never actually happened and possible futures that don't relate to reality? Well I have, and let me tell you, reality and logic SUCK!

It's the circle of life, and it moves us all!

Songs and so on

Sooooooo I spent pretty much all day yesterday updating my music collection on my computer. It made me so grateful to my roommate, and a bit sad to think of all the music I lost when my hard drive crashed.

Thing is, now that it's fairly recovered music-wise, and I didn't lose anything picture-wise, I'm not entirely sure I want to pay the money to get stuff off my old hard drive. I can't think of anything I desperately need, or would be willing to pay $80+ to retrieve. I'd much rather spend that money on ... life I guess.

Right now I should be studying for my Neuro test, and again I'll probably regret not having studied as I should have. Sigh. Seriously, I stay up way too late on weekends and sleep in too much and then get nothing done. It's my own stupid fault, I just enjoy relaxing and keep telling myself I have plenty of time to do it later. I should also be writing my reading summaries but funnily enough, when I was going to start I realized I didn't even have MS Word!! How sad. So I've just installed a trial version of MS Office 2007 and it's good until the end of January so no rush there now. So the summaries will be what I do as soon as I finish ranting.

I got some funky weird music from Sybylla... seriously.

OH NO! MarioKart is gone... I'll have to get that back from one of my Aussie pals.

And now I've lost my train of thought.

I had an amazing dream right before waking up today! I'm going to relate as much of it as I can here:

So basically it was an Australian reunion of sorts. A girl from my conservation bio class was the first main character. She led me around the area, which was next to the ocean and some sort of woodsy area. We saw a pod of orca whales and watched them for a bit and then went over to the woodsy area where I saw a kangaroo and a bilby (which looked pretty much exactly like Brenda my stuffed animal bilby but was alive). Then some guys I didn't recognize showed up along with my cousin Ben and along with that group was Alan. But this Alan had a oddly shaped and much longer beard. He looked very nervous and scared of me at the time, but I went up and hugged him and was so happy to see everyone *even the guys I didn't know because of course everything makes more sense in a dream.* And then for some reason completely to my surprise Michael showed up. And after that mini reunion, well it gets a bit fuzzy but I just remember being so happy and excited and content. And then Sybylla opened the door and I woke up.

I was so upset to wake up, I tried exceedingly hard to just let myself drift back to sleep and hopefully back into the same dream, but then she kept coming in and out of the room (she was washing her dishes). And so I was foiled in my attempt to escape the harsh bitterness of reality in order to be at peace in my dreams.

Which is why I sometimes wish I would never wake up, but we must always face reality eventually.

My acceptance of my current status has been increasing lately. I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps I was suffering a psychological illness that time is healing. Or perhaps knowing I was alone in my suffering encouraged me to get over it. Don't get me wrong, I still want to escape, but the blinding urge and need to do so is no longer quite so painful for me to bear on a day-to-day basis.

I had a fun conversation today - and am mildly upset that my message saving system wasn't set up and so it's completely gone. But it was quite entertaining and also stimulating.

Now I'm just typing things to waste time because I really don't want to do homework. Which is sad because at least my Kinship class homework is interesting - its all about sex ed and of course I've already read everything! Just need to write some summaries... how easy is that?

I can't wait for Christmas break...

"Synchronized Stalking"

A more interesting title could not exist! This is in reference to a pod of orca whales hunting a seal on an ice flow. It was pretty sweet.

So today I went to my watercolor class and worked on my stupid abstract painting (which I hate by the way... ugh). I wasn't made to be abstract... which is a bit ironic. Anyway, so after that I headed to my Kinship class to give my part of the debate on Sex Ed. It went surprisingly well! Most of the questions by the class were fired at those given the anti-sex ed roles (like Sarah Palin) than at the pro sex edders (like me!). So that was pretty nice - and the prof emailed me my grade and I got an A so woo! Afterwards I went over to the Caf to get some food and sat there eating and reading Wicked. Surprisingly I'm enjoying the book a lot more this second time through reading it. Anyway after I'd finished I got a call from the Dell guy, and then he came up and proceeded to "fix" my laptop. Took awhile to get everything out and back in but when it was done, I started reinstalling the drivers. Had a bit of trouble with that but talked to Dell and they helped me out. BUT unfortunately they didn't replace my MS Office because I had the 2003 version but they don't make that anymore! And they couldn't send me the 2007 version... not sure why. So instead they're sending me a $100 coupon to use to get it... meaning I have to pay the difference. Sigh. And then of course if I want to recover my files from my old hard drive that'll cost as well. Stupid technical problems, like I have the money for this right now!

So that's my story for today. The rest of the night has been spent getting music from Sybylla, installing programs back onto the laptop, and watching Bond movies/Animal Planet. And now I'm considering watching Austin Powers and/or ordering a grilled cheese sandwich from the girls lacrosse team... yea that's right!

So it's a bit surreal having no bookmarks or favorites, barely any programs, nothing on the desktop and hardly any of my music (except that which Syb has graciously sent). I'm really going to miss a lot of my stuff... although I have been organizing my music a lot better this time!

So I've decided I want to learn languages. Because why not? It sounds like fun. Spanish I already have a background in so I should continue with that, but I really had no opportunity to use it or practice it (or perhaps no motivation). I should work on increasing my Spanish vocabulary, then perhaps Latin? My roommate would be shocked.

To be honest I probably won't... I just feel like I need more skills. Because I have none whatsoever. Maybe I should've studied abroad in South America or Spain. Oh well.

Nah, I'd never trade my Australia experience for anything. Except maybe an extended version of the same. Lifetime version?

So tomorrow I'm hoping to spend the day getting music from Syb and studying for Neuro. Wish me luck!

OH! I also discovered yesterday that my camera was not just malfunctioning due to dead batteries, but just malfunctioning in general. Yet another piece of technology that has decided to hate me. FUWEOWJFQAHFBOA

I forgot!

I forgot to talk about all the good things that happened yesterday!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but on Monday I lost my sweatshirt. I had lost it sometime between going to the bathroom before my Kinship class and walking to my room after lunch. That left very few places for it to be - so I checked in the Caf where I had eaten, checked the lost and found at the Caf, checked the three department offices in the building where I had my Kinship class, checked the bathroom, and called and asked Safety and Security if anyone had turned it in. And it wasn't anywhere (this was all on Monday). Finally on Wednesday my roommate had the brilliant idea to check at the Student Activities Office and lo and behold, there it was! Yay! So my lost sweatshirt was found. That was one good thing.

Another good thing was that Alan called me! Props to him for actually calling me back. And then I wasn't able to talk at the time but called him back and he asked a very simple question - if my conclusions I had drawn were actually valid or something I made up in order to convince him I was okay. I almost wanted to laugh because if I'm not okay, and someone had something to do with making me not okay, why would I want to spare them the guilt by pretending to be okay?? Point being, I informed him I did believe it to be true and that convinced him to continue with our previous plan. AKA he's coming to visit! YAAAY, Wicked is still on!!!

So those were the good things. That and the Dell guy is coming on Friday (tomorrow) to fix my baby.

In other news, I have a Neurobiology test on Tuesday and a Sex Ed debate tomorrow. Which prompted me to do some research on Sex Ed in the US last night and I found some disturbing facts. Like the fact that there is no government funding for comprehensive sex education in schools, but there is funding for abstinence-only education. And that there have been scientific studies showing that comprehensive sex ed has shown to be effective whereas abstinence-only education is not only ineffective but oftentimes harmful. What is wrong with this picture? That of course led me to think of what's wrong with our country. Why in the world did Proposition 8 pass in California? Who are homosexual people hurting by wanting to marry the person they love? What is wrong with people in this country!?

Ignorance and hate are so dangerous, and often correspond. It kills me.

And now I'm going to get ready for my sculpture class, and hope the rain is over for the day (and it's COLD too!)

I'm getting good at this posting thing...

Either that or I just spend way too much time on the internet. Or perhaps a combination of the two. But I am going to try to start getting offline more often now - it's just really hard when pretty much ALL homework nowadays requires a typed response of some sort. Seriously, for one of my mini-lab question/answer things we wrote out all the equations and calculations and the answers to the questions on a piece of notebook paper and tried to hand it in... the prof looked incredulous and pretty much said he would accept it but really we should always type it. And it was stupid because we did it right there in class... anyway I digress.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to post right now, I really don't have any other news. Other than I'm a little less entranced by my dreams at the moment. Probably because I didn't have one (that I remember) last night.

And I think I scare people away. Not all that surprising, but still.

In my Kinship, Marriage, and Human Sexuality course today we talked about a recent terrible event that happened on campus. We were all emailed about it but not given the details (until this class). Basically sometime last week about 9 cars were covered with racist, sexist, anti-semitist slurs and gross language and graphics. These kind of hate crimes happened inside the "safe" little Gustavus bubble. Then of course on Monday/Tuesday the sidewalks were covered with chalk messages about the election - most were fairly basic but a few were insulting. Like the "True Christians vote Republican" and "Don't vote for Osama bin Laden." It happened from the Democratic side as well, someone spray painted Obama's face/logo onto some campus buildings. Which is defacing property but at least it wasnt insulting. Right so we spent the entire class time discussing the latent hostility on campus, it was very eye-opening, and sad.

And then of course I heard Proposition 8 was passed in California and I almost cried. I thought for sure it would be shot down but it actually passed! Since when did Californians start riding the hate train? That could be a good reason to exit the country. And MN still hasn't decided on Coleman or Franken for US Senator. Right now I think Coleman is up by about 500 votes... which is microscopic. So we probably won't hear for awhile yet. I just picture Coleman as Bush's little puppy... and we all know what a great leader Bush is/was...

I hate feeling like I have to censor myself in this blog in case some people read it and get their feelings hurt by learning something about me they didn't want to.

Oh yea, I do censor myself! Because some people actually do read these things (don't know why but there you have it).

And one person commented on my money blog... I knowmoney doesn't solve problems but it would take care of some extra stress which would allow me to deal more effectively with everyday problems and stresses.

And then I could see the world, and all my mates who decided to live all across the globe.

Hell, I haven't even seen my friend from Wisconsin! I fail...

I need a job. And a plan. Which reminded me of the quote in Monsters, Inc. where Mike tells Sully to go do something with Boo while he comes up with a plan. It's really hilarious in the movie... I just dont remember the exact quote. Man I love Disney movies.

And now I'm going offline for a few hours to attempt to be the good student I was in high school...

Obama for the win!

Yes ladies and gentlemen the polls have closed and the ballots are in and we will soon have a new President of the United States. Barack Obama is underlined as misspelled... how sad. In reality though, this wonderful development for our nation has interesting repercussions for my personal life.

Sad that I jump straight from the fate of one of the most powerful nations on the planet to myself, but I guess I am a selfish being at heart. More like, I know you all can read about the upcoming changes in the worldview in dozens of places online, but only here can you learn about my personal turmoil.

Anyway, like I said, this changes things. Not that I was hoping for McCain to win, I definitely voted Obama, but with this Democratic victory I no longer have the excuse I could have used to leave the country. With new leadership the US of A might go back on the rise and be the "hip" place to be again (I sort of doubt it but if it can change so much in 8 years... who's to say?). Not of course that I have to be living at the "hip" place, in fact I'm more likely to not. All that being said, I desperately desperately wanted to leave as of this time yesterday, and now I'm not so sure. Is this me settling? Accepting reality? I do love Minnesota and the States at heart, loyalty was always one of my more honored qualities, but I still feel the urge to get away. I'm not sure if this is a travelling urge, see the world once on a glorious vacation (or series of vacations) or a true I-want-to-live-somewhere-else urge.

Sigh. Confusement. Wow, that's a real word. Strange...

And of course in lesser news, I've completely recovered from the issues presented 2 blogs ago. Which is strange, but not at all unexpected due to the conclusion I've drawn.

As I said before, I was rebounding and that made things difficult. What I've since realized is that instead of attempting to start a new relationship, I merely transferred all my emotional baggage/attachment from the previous to the new. That of course meant that I was far too attached to the new, yet made it exceedingly easier to get over the old. Now that I've realized this, I'm completely over what was the new. If this is confusing, well I'm sorry but it makes sense to me! My latest problem of course is that the emotional attachment/baggage isn't gone, it's merely transferred back to the old. Which is a dangerous place for it to be because that means that I'm back to stalking and tormenting myself for no reason whatsoever because it is something that is NEVER going to happen.

Unless I buy a plane ticket...

... with negative funds! Gah, see what I mean?!

I wish I could take the emotions aforementioned and just release them into the wild! Let them go haunt someone else for a change.

Another issue that is completely related to this and even more uncontrollable is my latest sequence of dreams. I keep dreaming about someone, nothing dirty or sexual at all it's just so much fun! We do random things in my dream but the point is that I feel the least amount of stress and worry and feel so completely happy and free that I never want to wake up. It's exactly how I feel all the time now. Reality is just too much to handle, so I focus on my dreams and try to prop them up as potential realities, but are they really? Do these dreams have a chance in hell of coming true?

I have no idea.

So the point is, I am as confused as ever about my life, ecstatic over the fate of the US, and in pain because I slipped in a puddle on the way to the shower and hurt my knee.

Also I shaved my legs today - silky!

FIN

LOVE

I'd like to dedicate this post to my two new lovers. Their names are Ben and Jerry, and they make the most wonderful creation on Earth.

Half-Baked ice cream.

Brownie pieces and cookie dough in vanilla and chocolate ice cream.

I am officially in love.

The End.

Friends? Perhaps not...

So remember that light on the horizon thing I've talked about a few times? Not only has it gone out, but now might be a black hole.

Fuck it how about I just actually say what was going on.

Alan and I spent weeks/months communicating a lot over the internet and phone etc consoling each other over the summer/early fall. We became very close, and since we were both on the rebound and our talking became more like flirting we decided to consider rebounding on a parallel course ie with each other. He decided to come visit over Thanksgiving (pre-rebound decision) and we would go see Wicked together etc. We sort of decided to figure it out then, but after all of that at one point he thought he couldn't handle waiting. Especially since at that point it was vague and uncertain what exactly we were doing. After I assured him I was all-in, that I was certain I was on track he came back and we decided again to give it a try. Then two weeks ago (I think, check the blogs lol) he was out again. I was upset, very upset, but figured meh once he gets here (for he was still planning to come) we can give it a real shot and either he'll change his mind or I will. 4 days later I was surfing around on facebook and saw it. His relationship status changed from "It's complicated" with me to "In a relationship" with the stupid little freshman chick he had assured me was like a little sister to him. Incest much? But yea, that cut me deep. Then of course comes the fun "I no longer want to go back to Australia either" conversation, ripping any sense of a future I had away. God I went from happy and excited and not worried to a miserable wreck, and I don't even know if I'd get along well in that sort of way with him! My biggest problem is or was that I wasn't sure yet, I didn't get the chance to try it out. But I digress.

This little revelation might make all of my latests posts make a hell of a lot more sense, but I didn't just decide to post now because I felt like sharing that info, I decided to post because I just got off the phone with Alan. And guess what? Now he's no longer sure he wants to come. I even told him straight out that if he didn't, I wouldn't want to ever communicate with him again, and he still wasn't sure. Some kind of friend right? I get that he feels guilty whenever he talks to me now, but hell he should. What kind of excuse is that? It's just another example of cowardice. Or it just tells me he has no respect for me at all or cares so little about me that it doesn't matter. Of course if he does care so little, I don't want him to come anyway. But then of course, if he really cares so little, well, not a good feeling.

I just wish I had the means to do something drastic. Like get the fuck out of this country, away from this place and these memories.


I wish... for things that no longer have any basis in reality.

Why does it have to be that the last time I was COMPLETELY happy and satisfied with my life was 5 months ago?

Money Money Money

Why does money make everything simple? Granted, I've never had copious amounts of it but then I've never really found certain things simple before either. But people who have money, their problems are self-inflicted. People who don't have money just have problems.

Virginia Satir said that "Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem." So really, everyone has problems, just not everyone can cope with them. And guess what! Money makes coping with problems a hell of a lot easier. Or at least some problems.

For instance, getting a good education is made easier when you have filthy rich parents who can afford to pay for your tuition fully. Meaning you do not have to worry about it, you're capable of going on countless studies abroad, meaning you're less stressed about how to pay for next semester's tuition or how to pay off your student loans after your fast-approaching graduation. All of these potential problems become null and void with the simple aid of some green pieces of cloth-like paper!

Or what if you have a burning desire to see the world, as much of it as you possibly can before kicking the bucket. If you have money you simply hop on a plane and go where you wish. For those of us who don't, you spend countless hours yearning to go, spend your summers working 50 hours a week just to accrue as little debt as possible so that someday perhaps you can go without further bankrupting yourself.

And of course, there's the issue that nearly everyone on the planet is concerned with, in some form or another. And that is love. Or at least sex, but really they should be combined. And while sex is easy enough to come by in our society, love is a vastly different story. What is love? How does one know? If there's just one soul mate for everyone, how are you guaranteed of finding that soul mate? I'm guessing I'm one of those doomed to never actually find them, or if I find them to lose them for some asinine reason. And what does this have to do with money? Probably nothing, money doesn't guarantee true love (take Britney and K-Fed for example). It might actually complicate some relationships I suppose. I just think, at least for me, money would help me find out. I wouldn't be stressed about my life or needing to figure it out by a certain deadline, I could relax, stop and smell the roses, see the world.

It's odd for me to be sitting here crying about being broke and not having everything exactly the way I want it. And no, I'm not literally crying. And I am in fact very very lucky, I've seen more of the world than most of my relatives. I've been blessed and I know it; I guess it's just the greedy American in me that is always crying out for more. Never satisfied with how my life is at the present. The thing is, I have had a few shining moments in my life where I thought that things couldn't get any better. Or at least that there was the potential for things to get better, but it was pretty damn good as it was. The time period in my life where I had the most of these moments, jam packed together, was in Australia. And it could just be because moments like that often occur during vacations, and Australia was very much like a 4 month vacation for me. Sigh, I don't know where I'm going with this.

Propinquity is a bitch. It's the idea that people choose partners who are close to them in distance. And see, I have a big problem with it. For those of you who know me, pretty much everyone I've ever been in a relationship with doesn't follow that rule. I am the fucking queen of attempting, and failing, long-distance relationships. Why the hell do I keep trying? And this is where the money thing comes in because if I had heaps of it I could just jet back and forth and the distance wouldn't be a problem. But I don't, so distance is a huge fucking problem. And I know this and I've known it and yet what the hell do I keep doing to myself?

I always talk myself out of things here, I did it in high school I'm doing it at Gustavus. I figure everyone has their friends all set out and their social networks filled and where relationships stem from are social networks. So I do my shy thing, my hiding in the corner, making one semester friends all over again. I hope to make lasting impressions on people, and never seem to cut it. It seems even Australia was my one-semester friends making all over again. People are moving on without me, and propinquity is obviously a huge part of that. Hell I can't keep FRIENDS when they're on the same fucking campus as I am! How am I supposed to keep them when they're across the country, or the globe?!

I should just be a hermit. Either that or cut myself off from technology entirely. Thrust myself out into the real world more and force myself to be "normal." Or find and join a society of other techno-hermits. That'd be pretty sweet.

OR I could work my ass off (again) over January and over the summer (post-graduation) and then fly to Europe and figure it out from there. Work, hitchhike, travel, and LIVE. Nice dream eh? Instead, I'll probably not change. I'll keep pining over what I've lost and never fully realize what I have. I'll keep intending to do better and keep putting it off until there are no more chances left. I'll sit in my room alone on a late Friday night watching movies by myself eating Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and Cheezits and drinking Diet Mountain Dew and rant about how emo I am in a blog. Begging someone to give a damn.

Cursed and doomed to be alone. Even when I'm "with" someone, I'm always alone. Everyone's alone I guess... but is it so much to want someone to always be there? Well I guess that is a lot to ask for. Someone to notice when I'm sad and give me a hug, someone to hold me late at night and assure me things will be fine, someone who sees me and me alone.

Cock, dick, asshole. Three things all men have. And three words that tend to be used as insults, referring to the horrible nature of a person (arrogant, mean, cold-hearted, etc). Why? Is it just because all men are horrible? In some form or another... I think they might be. Or at least they act like they are.

It's funny how I cry and wail about what I want, what I "need" and then go and blast all mankind because of a few I know who wanted and needed that same thing. Except they, unlike me, gave up on the potential for it in one place and decided to look for it where they were. I'm such a hypocrite. I just don't have the so-called balls to do it myself.

I think I'll finish watching Jumper tonight and then perhaps listen to some ABBA as I fall asleep alone in my room.

PS - Isn't it amazing that the animal we often refer to when we talk about being alone, independent etc is the wolf, yet the wolf manages to mate for life when we humans can't?

Compartmentalization

The human brain is a marvelous thing. And I'm not just saying that because of all the crazy cool things I've learned about in Neurobiology (although really, damn the brain is smart!).

Mostly what I'm referring to is the magical quality our brains have of being able to take a bad situation and, with a lot of willpower, find a way to make it amusing. Basically walling off all the negative emotions associated with the situation and choosing to, and therefore seeing, the situation as merely humorous. Another tactic is to literally convince yourself that the situation is deep in the past, so far that it can no longer affect you emotionally. And finally you can just pretend it never happened, that whatever bad thing occurred, never really occurred.

And so my brain has been occupied for a good part of last night and most of today convincing itself of really all three of these techniques. So far, it seems to be working! I'd say the wall analogy is most accurate at the moment. Sometimes the wall gets a little wobbly and pieces of negative energy or memories leak out through the wall and affect my happy self. So the wall is a work in progress, but so far I think it's progressing rather well!

Sometimes I consider vengeance as a method for diverting the negative thoughts and emotions, but eventually I realize that it wouldn't really solve anything, nor make me feel better in the end.

I wish there was a way to just take all the negative and release it and never have to think about it or feel it again.

Right now, the wall is getting more and more wobbly, but at least I'm trying. I'm good at hiding my emotions from the world (for the most part), now I just need to learn how to hide them from my conscious self.

Music helps I've found. Especially if it's loud and fun and I can sing along to it. For instance, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" is playing now and it's doing me wonders.

And good old Foo Fighters are always helpful. Only band I've seen in concert! Good thing they kick ass.

So as far as future plans go, for the moment they are up in the air. But I have these ideas, so many ideas! Most involve working for at least the summer, more likely a year or two. But after that I want to travel, like long term travel or vacation. I want to go through Europe (maybe kidnap a Dane I know on the way), then down to Africa (Egypt especially, and perhaps S. Africa and Madagascar), then over to Australia (eventually see New Zealand as well).

So just had an interesting convo. with my sister - ending with laughter and uncontrollably contagious yawning (contagious via webcam!). That was fun.

And now it's time for me to stop putting off homework and just do it!

PS - I've just thought of something. Is it a worthy fate to sacrifice your own happiness for the happiness of another? What I mean to say is, if one person can only be happy through your own suffering, is it worth it? Does that make your suffering and sacrifice more worthwhile, and thus less of a sacrifice? Questions...